Ok.. Where to begin..?


To say I've been having a bad time recently would be putting it mildly..
The past couple of months, and especially the last.. 10 days or so? I would easily consider to be something along the lines of being the most severe nervous breakdown I've had in recent memory, possibly ever..
Not sleeping, crippling anxiety, panic attacks... It's become severe enough that I'm starting to consider seeking professional help to deal with it.. (I never do that..)


This brings me to the next thing, which is directly related.
I am considering retiring my horror themed secondary account..
Suffice it to say I've suffered what you could consider something of a very specific psychological trauma recently which has made even thinking about that type of content.. difficult.. (Even certain halloween stuff bothers me.. I love halloween..)
Creating such content has become.. Impossible at worst, mentally hazardous at best..
I'm making note of this in particular because, there are 4 or 5(?) commissioners.. some backlog, some recent.. which have commissioned content along those lines.. I will be getting in touch with them regarding either refund or substitution, as I am.. not capable of producing that type of content at this time, or possibly ever again.. I have no idea if this will ever stop being a problem..



Next thing.. You're going to be seeing me posting more personal art between commissions..
Why? If I don't I am literally going to lose my mind..
I thought I could just put my nose to the grindstone and power through things as I stated in my previous journal... That was stupidly idealistic of me to think I could do that, and that plan got crushed pretty quickly..
So.. I'm revising my plan bit.. Non-commission art will be making it's way into my gallery at more regular intervals.. This does NOT mean work on commissions has halted.. It just means I needed a mental health break, something that has become alarmingly important recently.. Everyone's continued patience with that would be very much appreciated.
I am also seeking alternative methods of funding more quickly for refunds to try and at least cut back on much of the backlog volume..




And that brings me to the last thing..
I won't be naming names, but I have recently come under verbal attack by either one of my backlog commissioners or one of their friends.. Evidence is unclear as to which, though I have an idea who is who.. I am in process of tracking down related documents and dealing with the likely culprit via e-mail..
In recognition of my own faults where the backlog is concerned and generally not feeling well lately I decided not to directly pursue the matter with FA staff myself.. Though it should be noted my fiance does not feel the same way and been pursuing it autonomously..
I will however state that this incident happening while I've not exactly been in the best place emotionally just about got everyone tossed in the "future refund" pile and nearly pushed me toward just tossing my wacom tablet in the trash.. As you can guess from above, I did not go in that direction..
But, this commissioner did just talk them self out of some rather significant compensation for the delays involved, and instead will now only receive a refund for the exact dollar amount owed them when I am able to do so as confirmed by my own payment records if I can find that particular record..

I guess what I'm saying is..
I know I screwed up.. I know how badly I screwed up.. And I'm trying to do something about it.
Chewing me out for it (especially publicly) isn't going to accomplish anything, and in fact is probably just going to make matters worse.
Again.. Everyone's continued patience would be very much appreciated..

(Negative comments will be deleted and commenting on this journal may be suspended as a result..)