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Update 11/1/2019
6 years ago
I'm going to start getting stuff that I've been neglecting uploading ready to upload like anything that I got done between "Gene's Reference" aka the last thing I uploaded here and the drawing I posted of Den on instagram and twitter. I realized this would be the perfect time to catch up on uploads sense I'm not creating more art so it'd be good to get caught up in the mean time. (long story, will make a brief little what's going on at the bottom after I finish talking about art stuff first.)
But after I figure out how many things I have to actually upload from there I'll decide if I'm going to do one a day or three a day like I've usually done cause I don't want to upload to many at once to not spam people and I've found doing three or less is always a good amount.
It'll make sense on why when I get into the life things below, but I am currently not creating any artwork and I can't say when I'll start again. I have been feeling so stressed, depressed, and just my entire spirit feels crushed. So I just can't say when I'll start drawing again and even if I wanted to I can't draw right now due to needing a room divider to block the electric heater from hitting my desk which I wont be able to afford for many many months possibly not even until way into summer when it wouldn't even be necessary anymore at least not till next winter. Which again will make more sense below, which I'm going to start to get into now..
life stuff.
where to even start.
I am just going to scratch on the surface with this I don't want to get into every little tiny thing sense this is going to be long as hell and there will be a lot of swearing, there's just such an overwhelming amount of stuff going on that it just seems beyond ridiculous at this point. It's just constant problems on top of problems on top of more problems on top of More problems On top of MORE problems... and it doesn't seem like it's ever going to stop and I'm so beyond overwhelmed that I can't even function anymore. I wont even go into the older problems we'll just start with the newest ones that happened in September going into October. Every September I go on a trip once a year to visit one of my best friends sense September is a very bad month for me I get extremely suicidal and especially after last year with the suicide attempt we all agreed I Really needed the trip so my friend footed the bill, because I'm worthless and broke as fuck and off I went. While my aunt the person supposed to take care of my pets and watch my house while I was gone thought it'd be a fabulous idea to let my uncle into my house and they proceeded to tear out my entire bathroom. Which don't get my wrong it did technically need it with the absolutely fuck ton of mold that was under the bathtub and in the walls, but they did everything Wrong. They knew they were going to do this before I left and never told me, never called me to tell me, never asked me what I wanted in the bathroom never even asked me what color I wanted it painted after they literally shredded it apart didn't even ask me what kind of shower I wanted put in. So they made this horrible monstrosity of a bathroom that cost probably three or four times what it would have if they would have talked to me and I bloody fucking hate it And because they did 90% of it themselves it's done Awfully and I have to turn around and spend a ton of money to fix almost everything... Some things are done so badly, but I can't even fix them and now have to live with just the most god awful shit. Example of one I can't fix. The floor is completely uneven to the point that walking on it makes you feel like your drunk because it's just squishy enough and so uneven that you lose your balance, But I can't fix it because they already glued the vinyl flooring and I can't afford to replace the vinyl so I'm screwed and have to deal with that god awful floor. The last thing I'll complain about the bathroom my aunt decided the best thing to do with ALL the things that where in my bathroom, my shampoo, toothbrush, eye drops, deodorant, electric razor, electric weight scale, band-aids, etc. etc. was to put it ALL in the fucking OPEN GARAGE where not only can wild animals get to that stuff but the weather was shit here the entire time I was gone and they started this literally the day after I left so all my stuff was outside for 16 days in cold wet weather... so all the electronics where completely screwed, everything that was a liquidy type thing had separated and turned goopy or just like really weird and just unusable like the eye drops had turned a weird yellowish and were now thick like a thinner syrup for example, like just pretty much almost everything was wrecked. So not only did I have a bathroom I now absolutely hated and had to fix a bunch of stuff they had completely screwed up I had to replace all my basic hygiene things which I still haven't been able to replace all of because I have had no god damn money to I literally only have like shampoo and deodorant pretty much I still have to try and get eye drops which for me is super important because of my eye problems and especially sense I was supposed to get my god damn lenses changed two years ago but i can't when stuff like this keeps coming up that drains all my damn money. An to end the rant on my family completely fucking me over my Aunt the one supposed to be caring for my pets and watching my house couldn't even call me and tell me my degu Benjamin had passed away THE DAY AFTER I LEFT meaning she had 15 days to tell me before I got home. 15. but no. she waits until I'm literally in the driveway of my house and Then tells me "oh yeah Benjamin died. sooo yeah. and we tore out your bathroom.." -.-; also last note not only did they do that to my bathroom my entire kitchen was completely destroyed somehow to but my aunt keeps claiming they never touched anything even though Everything was touched. Tons of things are broken or straight up missing. but she keeps blaming things being broken or Missing on my dog... How would Timber cause things to go missing for one and two if he was breaking things how would they only be broken wouldn't they be chewed up sense you know he's a fucking dog. I know I make jokes about him being a human two year old and my never growing up child that drives me insane an all but he doesn't fucking break things like a human and he sure as hell can't pick up the broken things and try to HIDE THEM. but I digress.
SO on top of that shit guess what else happens... the main heater decides to break. well with all the money just dropped on the bathroom guess who's all broke as hell? So we find out JUST the heater is going to be $1,900 not counting the installation fees and shit which is another like $200 to $300 depending on how many hours it takes him luckily he's actually really nice an that's really really cheap cause he'd be trying to get it done as quickly as possible cause he's aware of the situation an such and he's a really cool dude an he's the one I wanted fucking working for us on the heaters and shit in the very beginning cause guess fucking what... you pay a little more and holy shit they actually know what there doing and wont screw you over on a $3,000 heater that dies in a few years and never fully worked right from the very fucking beginning! (Fuck you Chris go to hell you cock sucking bastard.) but of course I got ignored through all that bullshit when that was all going on because I never know what I'm talking about and I'm stupid and always wrong :/ sep holy shit look what happened the heaters a piece of shit, Chris is a fucktard that ripped my uncle off, and I still get no damn apology for being right and now I gotta try and come up with the fucking $800 sum fucking amount that we don't have towards the new heater yet by the end of this month, but guess what That's More Then What I Make In A Fucking Month. An I still have to you know pay bills and all that fun adult bullshit we gotta do every month. So I don't know what the fuck to do at all I'm so stressed out about it I've been puking, getting bloody noses from my blood pressure spiking constantly, and just straight up passing out constantly, and it's getting to the point I can't even eat. food doesn't even taste right like it tastes like fucking chemicals, how skunk spray smells, and just idk like fucking gasoline or something like it's god awful with this nice lingering after taste of fucking iron that makes me drive heave so bad it's caused me to pull muscles. Best part if we don't get the new heater I have to return the electric heaters I've been borrowing sense I was told I can't keep them all winter, somehow come up with money to buy my own electric heaters so my pets and I don't die of hypothermia then somehow fucking afford the astronomical electric bills that'd cause. aka I wouldn't be able to and I'd run up high bills and they'd turn off my electricity meaning we'd then freeze to death or if by some miracle we'd make it to warm enough weather to not die I wouldn't have electricity for probably months. (Which for me who needs constant sound like music or just videos in general playing in the background or my auditory hallucinations go absolutely batshit because they just keep getting louder and louder the more quiet it is, is NOT okay.) an I do want to note during all of this I am also trying to rehome my two ferrets which the search is going god awful because literally all I want for them is to go to a decent home that realizes the care that ferrets need and apparently my area doesn't have that. ferrets do Not eat dog food and milk... and you can't have them for target practice because they are a beloved pet and no animal should just be a fucking throw away target for you, you sick fuck. like the more people I talk to about rehoming the ferrets the more I lose hope in humanity. I'd rather keep them sense a friend helps me pay for there food and such so the money isn't an issue for them, and just have them not played with As much as they should be. then go to a god awful home. I constantly hope my health improves and that I feel better so I can fully do stuff with them like I use to and not need help from.. guh.. my aunt cleaning there cage cause bending for prolonged periods especially while doing a task has been causing me to pass out.
I do want to note my aunt was not always a problem, she use to be beyond helpful and understanding and just all around wonderful but things started changing and are slowly getting worse and my mom and I fear she might be getting dementia and so does mine and my aunt's shared doctor but my aunt wont hear none of it or acknowledge any of it and says there's nothing wrong and where all being mean or lying and etc. etc. It's very upsetting.. So now someone I use to be able to go to for help or at least to talk to is now a constant cause of stress, panic, and anger. And worse I can't avoid her she's my ride everywhere sense we don't have public transport or anything like that and I don't have any friends and my mom lives 35/40 minutes away and just.. a ton of other stuff just I could go on and on but I'm so mentally drained...
what I'm getting at is life is downright awful right now and I see nothing getting better any time soon. I'm so violently in debt, my physical health is getting worse and worse, my mental health is getting beyond worse, and I just feel like I'm just sitting in a cage and watching everything around me burn and just waiting for me to be next. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so sick of the constant problems because right when one thing is finally done and I think I can maybe Finally start taking a step forward something else even more awful happens. I'm so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally and most of me just wishes I would have died when I tried to kill myself last year. An no you don't have to worry about me killing myself I wont be attempting anything because even though I do not want to deal with any of this anymore and I don't want to be here, the fear of fucking up and failing the attempt again and ending up back in one of those mental health hospitals is enough to stop me sense that was one of the worst experiences of my life. That literally caused a lot of my problems to get violently worse and am still having nightmares about that place which I didn't need more god damn nightmares I have enough of those as is. An I can't stand people treating someone like a diseased dog just because there a little different or have something a lil wrong with there head like if your going to act like that get a different job fuckwad. best part my insurance wouldn't pay for that and there still trying to bill me the like hhuuggee bill for being in there and I'm just like suck my ass that place was god awful and they deserve Nothing. so yeah. that whole hellish experience is enough to stop me sense I'm so fucking worthless I'm pretty sure I could even fail at attempting to blow my brains out, not that I could even get my hands on a gun anyways. so yeah. Also I was in therapy, but my aunt wont make me anymore appointments sooo I guess I'm not in therapy now? I don't know what's going on with that anymore, but it wasn't helping anyways because my therapist was really really stupid. An any of the good therapists that are actually helpful aren't covered by my insurance and I can't afford to be paying an actual decent therapist or the gas money to go see them sense all the good ones are nowhere near here and it'd be like $50 per trip. but then again at the end of the day there's nothing they can Really help with sense my biggest problems are my hallucinations, depression, and money. I've already tried a ton of medications for both and I just can't try anymore the past experiences where so awful I literally immediately vomit if i attempt to swallow those types of pills now and go into fits of extreme panic because of terrified I'm going to have the same bad reaction and I just can't do that again.. and with money I am just so beyond fucked with money that it's not even funny and everything everyone suggests just shows there either beyond detached from reality due to how better off they are or are just completely stupid. (only counting people that know my full situation, cause people that don't know making suggestions is kind of a fool's errand sense it's like throwing darts at an invisible target) soo.. yup.. idk.
just really really tired.
so in short. life sucks. my health is extremely bad in every way and I'm beyond broke.
I'll state again that there'll be no art any time soon sep for the old art I haven't gotten around to upload once that's uploaded I have no idea when new art will start to be made again sense I have no urge to draw whatsoever anymore due to all of this and even if I did I can't draw right now due to needing a room divider to block the electric heater from hitting my desk so it doesn't destroy my markers by causing extreme temperature changes and making the pressure in the barrel change and making the markers leak out everywhere. (this happened to my very first pack of prismas and it was a god awful mess.) an I can't afford to get the divider and I probably wont be able to for months and months possibly way into summer.
I'm leaving my ko-fi and amazon wishlist links down below even though I always Hate doing this on journals like this because I feel like it's begging or asking for a hand out but with everything that's happened at this point I just.. my pride is even broken at this point and I don't care anymore sense it's up to the person if they want to help or not especially sense if your reading this an such your most likely a fan of my art and the amazon wishlist has the room divider in it and I can't draw without that during the cold months so if anyone wants to see art in the future when I feel like drawing again, which still could be for awhile even with the divider, it's there.
Ko-fi - https://ko-fi.com/kibawolfpangolin
Amazon Wishlist - https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/.....?ref_=wl_share
But after I figure out how many things I have to actually upload from there I'll decide if I'm going to do one a day or three a day like I've usually done cause I don't want to upload to many at once to not spam people and I've found doing three or less is always a good amount.
It'll make sense on why when I get into the life things below, but I am currently not creating any artwork and I can't say when I'll start again. I have been feeling so stressed, depressed, and just my entire spirit feels crushed. So I just can't say when I'll start drawing again and even if I wanted to I can't draw right now due to needing a room divider to block the electric heater from hitting my desk which I wont be able to afford for many many months possibly not even until way into summer when it wouldn't even be necessary anymore at least not till next winter. Which again will make more sense below, which I'm going to start to get into now..
life stuff.
where to even start.
I am just going to scratch on the surface with this I don't want to get into every little tiny thing sense this is going to be long as hell and there will be a lot of swearing, there's just such an overwhelming amount of stuff going on that it just seems beyond ridiculous at this point. It's just constant problems on top of problems on top of more problems on top of More problems On top of MORE problems... and it doesn't seem like it's ever going to stop and I'm so beyond overwhelmed that I can't even function anymore. I wont even go into the older problems we'll just start with the newest ones that happened in September going into October. Every September I go on a trip once a year to visit one of my best friends sense September is a very bad month for me I get extremely suicidal and especially after last year with the suicide attempt we all agreed I Really needed the trip so my friend footed the bill, because I'm worthless and broke as fuck and off I went. While my aunt the person supposed to take care of my pets and watch my house while I was gone thought it'd be a fabulous idea to let my uncle into my house and they proceeded to tear out my entire bathroom. Which don't get my wrong it did technically need it with the absolutely fuck ton of mold that was under the bathtub and in the walls, but they did everything Wrong. They knew they were going to do this before I left and never told me, never called me to tell me, never asked me what I wanted in the bathroom never even asked me what color I wanted it painted after they literally shredded it apart didn't even ask me what kind of shower I wanted put in. So they made this horrible monstrosity of a bathroom that cost probably three or four times what it would have if they would have talked to me and I bloody fucking hate it And because they did 90% of it themselves it's done Awfully and I have to turn around and spend a ton of money to fix almost everything... Some things are done so badly, but I can't even fix them and now have to live with just the most god awful shit. Example of one I can't fix. The floor is completely uneven to the point that walking on it makes you feel like your drunk because it's just squishy enough and so uneven that you lose your balance, But I can't fix it because they already glued the vinyl flooring and I can't afford to replace the vinyl so I'm screwed and have to deal with that god awful floor. The last thing I'll complain about the bathroom my aunt decided the best thing to do with ALL the things that where in my bathroom, my shampoo, toothbrush, eye drops, deodorant, electric razor, electric weight scale, band-aids, etc. etc. was to put it ALL in the fucking OPEN GARAGE where not only can wild animals get to that stuff but the weather was shit here the entire time I was gone and they started this literally the day after I left so all my stuff was outside for 16 days in cold wet weather... so all the electronics where completely screwed, everything that was a liquidy type thing had separated and turned goopy or just like really weird and just unusable like the eye drops had turned a weird yellowish and were now thick like a thinner syrup for example, like just pretty much almost everything was wrecked. So not only did I have a bathroom I now absolutely hated and had to fix a bunch of stuff they had completely screwed up I had to replace all my basic hygiene things which I still haven't been able to replace all of because I have had no god damn money to I literally only have like shampoo and deodorant pretty much I still have to try and get eye drops which for me is super important because of my eye problems and especially sense I was supposed to get my god damn lenses changed two years ago but i can't when stuff like this keeps coming up that drains all my damn money. An to end the rant on my family completely fucking me over my Aunt the one supposed to be caring for my pets and watching my house couldn't even call me and tell me my degu Benjamin had passed away THE DAY AFTER I LEFT meaning she had 15 days to tell me before I got home. 15. but no. she waits until I'm literally in the driveway of my house and Then tells me "oh yeah Benjamin died. sooo yeah. and we tore out your bathroom.." -.-; also last note not only did they do that to my bathroom my entire kitchen was completely destroyed somehow to but my aunt keeps claiming they never touched anything even though Everything was touched. Tons of things are broken or straight up missing. but she keeps blaming things being broken or Missing on my dog... How would Timber cause things to go missing for one and two if he was breaking things how would they only be broken wouldn't they be chewed up sense you know he's a fucking dog. I know I make jokes about him being a human two year old and my never growing up child that drives me insane an all but he doesn't fucking break things like a human and he sure as hell can't pick up the broken things and try to HIDE THEM. but I digress.
SO on top of that shit guess what else happens... the main heater decides to break. well with all the money just dropped on the bathroom guess who's all broke as hell? So we find out JUST the heater is going to be $1,900 not counting the installation fees and shit which is another like $200 to $300 depending on how many hours it takes him luckily he's actually really nice an that's really really cheap cause he'd be trying to get it done as quickly as possible cause he's aware of the situation an such and he's a really cool dude an he's the one I wanted fucking working for us on the heaters and shit in the very beginning cause guess fucking what... you pay a little more and holy shit they actually know what there doing and wont screw you over on a $3,000 heater that dies in a few years and never fully worked right from the very fucking beginning! (Fuck you Chris go to hell you cock sucking bastard.) but of course I got ignored through all that bullshit when that was all going on because I never know what I'm talking about and I'm stupid and always wrong :/ sep holy shit look what happened the heaters a piece of shit, Chris is a fucktard that ripped my uncle off, and I still get no damn apology for being right and now I gotta try and come up with the fucking $800 sum fucking amount that we don't have towards the new heater yet by the end of this month, but guess what That's More Then What I Make In A Fucking Month. An I still have to you know pay bills and all that fun adult bullshit we gotta do every month. So I don't know what the fuck to do at all I'm so stressed out about it I've been puking, getting bloody noses from my blood pressure spiking constantly, and just straight up passing out constantly, and it's getting to the point I can't even eat. food doesn't even taste right like it tastes like fucking chemicals, how skunk spray smells, and just idk like fucking gasoline or something like it's god awful with this nice lingering after taste of fucking iron that makes me drive heave so bad it's caused me to pull muscles. Best part if we don't get the new heater I have to return the electric heaters I've been borrowing sense I was told I can't keep them all winter, somehow come up with money to buy my own electric heaters so my pets and I don't die of hypothermia then somehow fucking afford the astronomical electric bills that'd cause. aka I wouldn't be able to and I'd run up high bills and they'd turn off my electricity meaning we'd then freeze to death or if by some miracle we'd make it to warm enough weather to not die I wouldn't have electricity for probably months. (Which for me who needs constant sound like music or just videos in general playing in the background or my auditory hallucinations go absolutely batshit because they just keep getting louder and louder the more quiet it is, is NOT okay.) an I do want to note during all of this I am also trying to rehome my two ferrets which the search is going god awful because literally all I want for them is to go to a decent home that realizes the care that ferrets need and apparently my area doesn't have that. ferrets do Not eat dog food and milk... and you can't have them for target practice because they are a beloved pet and no animal should just be a fucking throw away target for you, you sick fuck. like the more people I talk to about rehoming the ferrets the more I lose hope in humanity. I'd rather keep them sense a friend helps me pay for there food and such so the money isn't an issue for them, and just have them not played with As much as they should be. then go to a god awful home. I constantly hope my health improves and that I feel better so I can fully do stuff with them like I use to and not need help from.. guh.. my aunt cleaning there cage cause bending for prolonged periods especially while doing a task has been causing me to pass out.
I do want to note my aunt was not always a problem, she use to be beyond helpful and understanding and just all around wonderful but things started changing and are slowly getting worse and my mom and I fear she might be getting dementia and so does mine and my aunt's shared doctor but my aunt wont hear none of it or acknowledge any of it and says there's nothing wrong and where all being mean or lying and etc. etc. It's very upsetting.. So now someone I use to be able to go to for help or at least to talk to is now a constant cause of stress, panic, and anger. And worse I can't avoid her she's my ride everywhere sense we don't have public transport or anything like that and I don't have any friends and my mom lives 35/40 minutes away and just.. a ton of other stuff just I could go on and on but I'm so mentally drained...
what I'm getting at is life is downright awful right now and I see nothing getting better any time soon. I'm so violently in debt, my physical health is getting worse and worse, my mental health is getting beyond worse, and I just feel like I'm just sitting in a cage and watching everything around me burn and just waiting for me to be next. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so sick of the constant problems because right when one thing is finally done and I think I can maybe Finally start taking a step forward something else even more awful happens. I'm so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally and most of me just wishes I would have died when I tried to kill myself last year. An no you don't have to worry about me killing myself I wont be attempting anything because even though I do not want to deal with any of this anymore and I don't want to be here, the fear of fucking up and failing the attempt again and ending up back in one of those mental health hospitals is enough to stop me sense that was one of the worst experiences of my life. That literally caused a lot of my problems to get violently worse and am still having nightmares about that place which I didn't need more god damn nightmares I have enough of those as is. An I can't stand people treating someone like a diseased dog just because there a little different or have something a lil wrong with there head like if your going to act like that get a different job fuckwad. best part my insurance wouldn't pay for that and there still trying to bill me the like hhuuggee bill for being in there and I'm just like suck my ass that place was god awful and they deserve Nothing. so yeah. that whole hellish experience is enough to stop me sense I'm so fucking worthless I'm pretty sure I could even fail at attempting to blow my brains out, not that I could even get my hands on a gun anyways. so yeah. Also I was in therapy, but my aunt wont make me anymore appointments sooo I guess I'm not in therapy now? I don't know what's going on with that anymore, but it wasn't helping anyways because my therapist was really really stupid. An any of the good therapists that are actually helpful aren't covered by my insurance and I can't afford to be paying an actual decent therapist or the gas money to go see them sense all the good ones are nowhere near here and it'd be like $50 per trip. but then again at the end of the day there's nothing they can Really help with sense my biggest problems are my hallucinations, depression, and money. I've already tried a ton of medications for both and I just can't try anymore the past experiences where so awful I literally immediately vomit if i attempt to swallow those types of pills now and go into fits of extreme panic because of terrified I'm going to have the same bad reaction and I just can't do that again.. and with money I am just so beyond fucked with money that it's not even funny and everything everyone suggests just shows there either beyond detached from reality due to how better off they are or are just completely stupid. (only counting people that know my full situation, cause people that don't know making suggestions is kind of a fool's errand sense it's like throwing darts at an invisible target) soo.. yup.. idk.
just really really tired.
so in short. life sucks. my health is extremely bad in every way and I'm beyond broke.
I'll state again that there'll be no art any time soon sep for the old art I haven't gotten around to upload once that's uploaded I have no idea when new art will start to be made again sense I have no urge to draw whatsoever anymore due to all of this and even if I did I can't draw right now due to needing a room divider to block the electric heater from hitting my desk so it doesn't destroy my markers by causing extreme temperature changes and making the pressure in the barrel change and making the markers leak out everywhere. (this happened to my very first pack of prismas and it was a god awful mess.) an I can't afford to get the divider and I probably wont be able to for months and months possibly way into summer.
I'm leaving my ko-fi and amazon wishlist links down below even though I always Hate doing this on journals like this because I feel like it's begging or asking for a hand out but with everything that's happened at this point I just.. my pride is even broken at this point and I don't care anymore sense it's up to the person if they want to help or not especially sense if your reading this an such your most likely a fan of my art and the amazon wishlist has the room divider in it and I can't draw without that during the cold months so if anyone wants to see art in the future when I feel like drawing again, which still could be for awhile even with the divider, it's there.
Ko-fi - https://ko-fi.com/kibawolfpangolin
Amazon Wishlist - https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/.....?ref_=wl_share
