..of sorts. Nothing major really, just been thinking about how the vision I had for my characters has changed due to unforeseen factors. I've gotten a lot of art of my cat boy as a human female, and I didn't plan on it, but I like it and plan to continue. Also this same character has received a lot of design updates and is now a chimera, although I still have procrastinated on getting a proper ref sheet. My pokemon characters have also changed around a lot mostly due to friends who have wanted art with me. Hmm not sure if there's really a point to this journal but I wanted to put my thoughts down into text for the sake of it. I don't really want to wade into the waters of gender politics, but I do have a fondness for androgyny and gender swapping, and these characters that I've developed, especially the ones that relate closer to my real life self are starting to reflect that more when I envision art I want to get of them. I'm not really good at figuring out what I really want in life and spend lots of time feeling unsatisfied with most things I set out to do regardless of how trivial or important as it is. It bothers me how decisive certain people can be with knowing exactly what they want and then actually acting on it, whereas I seem to be just as afraid of success as I am of failure. I feel stuck in neutral. I've been drinking and this wasn't planned but I'm going to start a venting tangent. I struggle a lot with my personal identity and have as long as I've been around on this planet. I have felt all sorts of ways about my sexuality and gender since I knew those were concepts up for debate, although due to my upbringing I've found it difficult to be able to express myself in a way that I really felt was personally satisfying, always wearing a mask of sorts for other people, as we all do to a point. The problem now is that I don't know what I truly want anymore. I legitimately don't know and at this point am leaning against the notion of being transgender, but it's been a constant thought for a long time. I loathe people who wear their labels on their arm like it matters though. This is part of why I've refused to talk about this in depth for so long because I don't want to be associated with anything. I tend to hate "movements" and have no desire to be part of anything "bigger than myself". wow this dove into deep personal waters but fuck it. no one reads my shit anyway so it's not like there will be backlash.