I haven't been active for a bit because I've been focusing on my mental health. I'll try to summarize everything.

My whole life I thought I was slowly going crazy and insane. I was getting more and more angry with myself and the world, was doing all I could to survive by constantly being at war with my mood. My moods constantly change every milisecond. I'd have extreme downs to the point where I'd want to kill myself all the time and extreme manic symptoms to the point where I'd scream to the top of my lungs and make my throat bleed. I'd lose sense of reality so much that it felt like being awake and in a dream at the same time. As if you're in 2 seperate worlds or dimensions with 2 versions of you living parallel to each other. Think of playing a video game version of yourself while being in the real world at the same time.

In 2018 I was prescribed antidepressants because the therapist I had at the time thought it was just depression and anxiety. But, if youre bipolar and take antidepressants, then your manic stymptoms can get worse and mine did. I went from just yelling to breaking things and punching holes in the walls. Because of that earlier this year I was about to put myself in a residential facility, but decided not to at the last minute. I've had bipolar and schizophrenia symtoms my whole life, but finally got a diagnosis of bipolar and possible schizoaffective disorder.

Over the years I've struggled, even now, to set up a therapy appointment. After years of looking and working with a walk in mental health clinic this year, I'm finally on the right medicine. The medicine isn't a cure, but it helps me function instead of me sitting at home missing work for weeks on end and not being able to take care of myself. I've also been reading self help books because at this moment, finding a therapist is taking too much of my free time. I've been looking since 2012 for a therapist and calling around, researching, insurance, and financial situations take up alot of my thinking to the point that it takes over anything else like my hobbies, art, and other things in my life.

I'm alot stronger than I was since I first stared looking for help. Theres been so much stress, tears, anger, and disappointment from this search. I will probably look for a therapist again, but I've spent all of my 20s looking for one that it's basically been a part time job and I want to use my time for things I enjoy.

Anyway I'm trying to slowly get myself to just take care of myself more, focus more on art, video games and my other hobbies.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.