I'll try to make this quick. I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep, when a thought crossed my mind. I knew exactly how I would explain "how am I not gay" to myself and to others with perfect accuracy, which isn't something I had been able to accomplish yet.

Here's what I mean:

I wouldn't consider myself gay, but I like gay porn. I know why this happened -- being raised in a religious household, I immediately associated seeing naked women with sin, but two men hanging out in swimming suits was fine... then two men getting kinda close in speedos was fine... then getting really close... especially when they're fox men or something, right?

But I hadn't been able to explain why I don't believe I'm gay. I realized I don't think I'm "gay" because I don't really understand how that would feel. I could say "I'm gay" or consider the statement, but I don't have a good grasp on what it means to be attracted to someone. I know how it feels to lust after someone or something, and I know how it feels to enjoy being in another's presence, but I'm inexperienced when it comes to wanting a lasting and meaningful romance.

I should note, I haven't had a one-night stand or things like that. I'm actually still a virgin who's never kissed a girl (or guy). I think I've gone on one date. I haven't felt heavily compelled to do so, moreso because it hasn't ever interested me than due to any social awkwardness.

I actually had one moment where I totally fell for a girl in a really cute and wholesome "Oh my gosh she likes piano and classical music and math and statistics and the Legend of Zelda and other Nintendo things and she's also a nerd and what do I do I can't find any words to speak ah" kind of way. So I really might not be gay*. Except that it's the naked lion men that turn me on, not the naked lion women.

Goodness, am I messed up or what?

(Though I'm pretty sure every furry has said something like that to themselves at least once, based on what I've read.)

Once again, I'm sorry if this is too much detail for a journal and I'm breaking some site rule because I haven't clicked on some setting to mark this journal's rating. -\(^~^)/-


*I would add that I am more or less innocent, like a child. I've seen some of the roughness of life secondhand, especially when serving on my religious mission, so I'm not totally sheltered and naive. However, I know I still live in a different world from most people and haven't had to accept the harshness that is par for the course for some.


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On a completely unrelated note, thanks to watching handbooker helper's videos in an effort to understand D&D better, I realize that I'm very insightful (logic, internal processing, etc) while being socially unperceptive (not likely to pick up on things). I can read a room well enough, but I still miss key things that seem obvious social etiquette to most people. I base this off Reddit's AITA, which... well, could be misleading.

It's not like I'm 20% clueless 80% of the time. It's like 98% of the time, I'm just like any other person in a social setting. But then there's the 2%s where I wouldn't have thought asking someone to not chew with their mouth open would sound so rude and awkward, or I'm not sure if asking to join semi-mutual friends' at-home hangout group or dinner is wrong when they're perfectly fine with me asking.


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Anyway, to loosely quote Brawl in the Family, "I am ready to feel the soft embrace of my pillow upon my face."