Part 1: Arris

Oh boy, I seem to get myself caught up in him far too often, haha.

I was reflecting on the year and remembered the days back in Ellensburg, the weekend parties my roommate would host with his friends. We'd play games and drink. It was amazing. I got away from the laptop and my worries and socialized face-to-face. I miss them, I miss the furry friends I met there, too. Especially my bestie. If you looked through my journals from this year, you'd find one that expresses my hatred and feeling of imprisonment there. But the silver lining was my friends!

I also remembered the people I met in June, at the Puyallup BBQ, I may have written about that, too. Some of them didn't keep in touch the following weeks, but the other three did! One in particular stood out to me, his name is, uh, shit anonymity, right. How about. . . "Arris." Yes, there's no way anyone could identify the real Arris with that alias! Haha.

Arris and I, after moving back to Tacoma, began talking more frequently in July. I really liked him, you know. He lived all the way up in Kirkland, which is a 50 mile ride from me. It was a steep trip, at first, since all I had was Suzy (long may she live), but I'd put my body and my bike through that stress for him. We became close, or so I thought. We'd hang out in his apartment, cuddle in the bed, and yes, we did fool around. We also talked about our lives and where we wanted to go.
This was the usual for our visits. It seemed like he was really into me. So I kept trying to get closer to him and his life, not just his bed. I received two pieces of bad news as a result of this: 1) He was still recovering from a nasty breakup with his fiance and 2) He doesn't fuck his friends.
I can sleep around with most people of my choosing, so that isn't special to me. But being a part of his life is. So I did away with sleeping around, for him. Our visits became less frequent, same with our talks, as he was dealing with a job position transition, as well as a move down to Des Moines. It was clearly taking up a lot of his attention, but i had hoped that him being closer would mean that we could see each other more often. And I was able to make one trip up there. I can't quite recall the day or month. Must have been early September, before fall quarter and Furvana. Things seemed to be just fine! He was really happy, I noticed. He would make music with his housemate, all the while, I just felt like a third wheel. However, we had a warm goodbye, so I was optimistic.

I tried to keep in touch, which was hard, considering how busy he is normally. Furvana rolled around and that what cut me the deepest. I wanted to spend a lot of time with him, maybe even room with him, but he was already set up with some admins from PSF, no biggie, I told myself. We can still hang out.
And then we didn't. At all. The only time I saw Arris was when I accidentally stumbled into a room party, hosted by a certain-cougar. Which was shocking. That whole party fucked me up. I saw a lot of familiar faces there, people who I would consider friends, acquaintances, or allies, spending time with people who were more adversarial towards me. This was reinforced by the host insulting me, and then hitting me with the good ol "lol jk."
Of course, being at someones party doesn't mean that you enjoy the host, as was the case with me, but I was the only one who was visibly irked by it. Whereas Arris was very casual. The adminship and accompanied him there, and they were very friendly with the host, which made me question the merit of their moral standards, but nevertheless, that's a whole other can of worms.

Throughout Furvana, I saw Arris spending time with these people, never checking in on me to see if I wanted to hang out, never walking up to me if we were in the same space. It hurt to witness, he was drifting away from me before my eyes. Or at least, that was my perception. It was an emotional weekend, and that was one reason why.
With the college program beginning, I could now peel my focus away from Telegram and the people within it. I didn't want to be hung up on anyone. This was a fresh start. So I silently let him go and move on.

Now, during this reflection a couple days ago, I remembered those warm, passionate memories with him in his bedroom and I wanted to catch up. I've got a busted knee and a busted bike, I have too much time to myself, and I felt lonely. I also loved him. I found him again through a mutual group and saw on his profile, as I have to in order to send a message. His bio changed. He's partnered now. . .

Thaaaaaaaaaat crushed my heart, big time. My throat tightened up, there wasn't enough air in the room, and I couldn't hold back the tears. So I did what I always do when anxious, overwhelmed, or sad; I get under my desk and let it all out.
You may be asking, "Well, Fletcher, if that is your real name! Why would you care so much if you let him go?" And I answer that with: My feeling never died, they just took a back-back seat. And to think that I didn't keep in touch with him when he started to open himself up and get out there. . . I wonder if he ever thought of me. There are a lot of maybes that could explain it, perhaps he was still in lockdown, but his new partner came around and he felt whole again. In which case, it makes me feel like I wasn't special enough to him. As evident.

If I remove my left side brain from my right for a moment, all I was to him was a booty call. He just wanted to fuck me as long as he cared to, and the content of my person wasn't enough to keep me around. I feel used and heartbroken, that i could invest that much of my consciousness, time, and interpersonal effort into watering what I believed could be a long relationship, only to see that our friendship wasn't a plant, it was a pot with a big hole in the bottom. Maybe, I don't think that metaphor worked well.

The point is, watering a plant is a lot like maintaining a relationship. Where the plant is the mutual connection. Both of the plant parents have to water and fertilize it, so that it continues to be their plant. If only one parent waters and cares for the plant, well, it may as well just be that parent's plant. They're the only one putting time into it. The other parent is just like "hey man, that's your plant. I don't want anything to do with it." The parent who cares for that plant is now like "But we grew this plant together, what changed?" and he's like "I never really cared about that plant. I actually like this plant instead. Look how big and strong it is!"
And so I, the lonely plant parent, am left with a beautiful little flower that's slowly dying, because it needed two parents to thrive.


Part 2: Revival


Sarah came home today! I am upset with the towing people for how they handled her transportation. Fun fact: they never took her out of gear. That's right, they were struggling to move her onto and off the truck because they forgot that neutral existed. So she was brought to me on her side. She deserves better >:(

I got to take a close look at her in the comfort of my own property and examine the damage. Good news: She can DEFINITELY be fixed. With enough funding and parts availability, I can get her back on the road. So that's what I'm going to do. I imagine the insurance settlement is going to be enough to replace my clothing, equipment, and pay for a new bike, but I'm also going to spend it one fixing Sarah. Then I'll have two bikes!
The way I look at it, despite the evaluation of her being "totalled," is that nothing that special deserves to be left behind. I only had Sarah for nine days before the crash, but in that time, I rode her to the store, to class, and all the way up to Nanaimo, BC and back. And she was just fine. That built a trusting relationship between me and the bike, and so, I'm sentimental. She isn't just a machine, some broken motorcycle, she's MY RF900R and her name is Sarah.

Imagine if the doctors decided to pull the plug on me just because my knee was broken. You'd protest! No, no, no sir, I'm still all here! I just need some fixing up and some time, I'll be able again!
And thus, I wouldn't do that to Sarah. She doesn't deserve to be left behind and forgotten, just and you and I don't deserve to be forgotten and left to decay.

I actually started chatting in new group chats again, and since repair is my passion and riding Sarah is also my passion, I saw an opportunity to make new connections, make a new friend through common interest. I don't want to fix her alone, i'd probably cry. Plus,, I can't really do any heavy lifting. So I asked the group if anyone would like to help me fix her up sometime, and someone accepted!

Hopefully that leads to a fulfilling friendship, built around a hobby/skill/interest, rather than just "we're both gay and we're both furries." Like all my friendships this year have begun, haha. I will update you all on where I'm at on that and I can't wait to unveil her, good as new!

Seeya next time! <3