Yes in that way, I've just been a shitty asshole to people and stuck on my own beliefs that I'm supposed to be sad and miserable. I just don't feel right when things are going my way so I sabotage myself every chance I get, a friend of mine described me as being like an abused dog, I get it now.

I blame myself for everything I do cause I feel I should be blamed for something and when I don't I bring up shitty topics so people will have a reason to be mad at me. And now I have to suffer through the holidays plus the bullshit that brings, I'm feeling more like I cannot recover but for whatever reason there are people that want me around.

I'm just gonna keep dragging myself through life until "good" doesn't feel bad, or until I completely lose my shit and off myself , but that could be years from now. I just don't feel good at all and that's normal for me but it's awful to everyone else.