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Going into 2020
6 years ago
General
o o o
I didn't draw enough to really make a solid Art Summary meme this year. So instead I'll just ramble on into how shits been going for me as an artist the past 10 years. The shortest version I can do.
So 10 years ago was 2009.
I was 2 years out of high school and felt like graphic design was my passion. Instead I quickly found out why ppl dropped out of the program within the first year or so cause boy does nothing prepare you for college art courses, both in the work asked of a new student and how the professors will critique your work. No one ever really gets you ready to be told your work may suck or you need to improve but you have no idea why. On some level I blame the new relationship I was in at the time, which was my first serious one (and wasn't started in the smartest way as it caused a huge riff between my mother and me) but in hindsight I ended up dropping out cause the stress of college both in Gen Ed and my major was getting to me. I knew on a deep level I wasn't ready for college when I graduated high school but back then we kinda had to go to college (specially since the loan debt would come after us and no one really had a job due to the market crashing a few years prior).
I dropped out of college in 2010, attempted it off and on for 2 years after. And officially dropped out in 2012.
During 2012 I was working at a shitty food court stand. A start up that fell hard cause the owners didn't know what they were doing. I was dating a guy I was having fun with but saw no future with in combo of no faith of my own future as an artist or a person and seeing him have no motivation to really step up in life. Whenever I would show him art I was proud of, he told me how good it was but the comment felt so empty I quickly stopped showing him anything I drew. I struggled to find someone I felt comfortable showing my art to in hopes I would be told what I was doing was still worth something.
Sometime around 2011 I had started doing commissions on DeviantArt for points, which really threw off how I priced stuff that only now I've recovered from.
I forgot when I started working at Target but my Scraps def confirms it was during 2016. I think sometime around then I had given up on art as a serious thing. i was doing commissions okay ish but I had lost faith in my myself a while ago. I didn't know how to mentally stop hearing things as negative when I was told how to improve something or that something looked off. I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't want to fix it.
In 2017 I started dating my current boyfriend and love. Up to this point my confidence was damaged not only in art but myself as a person. Any dates I had gone on with guys prior ended in sex which instantly told me the date wasn't successful. The few I didn't sleep with it was still obvious we weren't going out again no matter how much I liked them. And I was still working at Target, which worsened my health and gave me a nice heart palpitation.
My boyfriend was a little shy at first but as we dated and got to know one another, we started opening up and feeling more comfortable with one another. His positive comments on my art made me hesitant because it had been so long since a real person saw my art. Over time, I felt my confidence coming back but I wasn't ready for school.
After working at Target for 3 years, I was sick of it. I got a new job at a school district as a paraeducator aid (teachers aid for special ed/rsp). At first I did it because I needed to get out but over the first year working there, I started to feel purpose again. The kids were honest about things, even down to when they appreciated your help. And even the ones that didn't say it, you knew when they felt it. Art wise I wasn't doing anything nuts but I started drawing more, doing more commissions. And with my loving supportive boyfriend I started feeling whole again. I didn't feel like I had failed myself.
In 2019, I decided I wanted to become a teacher. It took me a hot minute to take the first step which was to enroll and look into what college to go into. I was nervous. Fuck I was nervous. What if I failed school again and just racked up debt that led to nothing?
Thankfully my old debt I had paid off a few years ago, if Target was good for anything it was that.
Currently I've finished my second semester at my college and I'm on track to transferring to a 4 year for an Art BA (I won't lie I have a shit ton of units in Art why should I waste them?) I still work at my school in which my students drive me insane but I love them and work with a lot of them on a personal level to help them through things going on at home and some stuff at school social wise. I'm still with my amazing boyfriend who has been amazingly supportive as I've worked through my mental demons of feeling I wasn't good enough and that I had somehow fallen behind in life. Art I'm feeling good about again. Although it's on the back burner, my boyfriend has been gathering info to look into selling physical items both online and at cons. I have no idea when that will start but knowing he has my back (and is way better at numbers than me) fills me with hope I can do it.
2020 is starting up in a few days. A lot of stuff got left out cause it's stuff I either forgot or it ended up being something I moved past.
It's okay cause more stuff will happen soon. Stuff worth remembering.
TLDR:
Life wasn't terrible but for years I felt lost and hopeless, probably had mild depression.
Working and dating showed me how far I could fall and it affected my art output.
I felt like I was losing a race I wasn't ready to even start.
Friends I made at Target, ditching ones from college that weren't great and seeing my boyfriend helped me get out of my head and be a person again.
I felt like I could be something, it didn't have to be art. It didn't occur me to that was an option.
Quit Target, started working at a school.
Back in school to become a middle school teacher, art is going fine again, my life is stable and I feel purpose.
Maybe physical merch is possibility.
I'm eating Christmas snacks while drawing butts.
Good shit.
