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2019 and Decade's Past: Far from Okay
6 years ago
Hi,
As you know, this year hasn't been great. For me, the past decade hasn't been great. It has been a time where I have panicked, stressed, been harassed, depressed, anxious, all of the above. I started this decade as a young happy kid. I now end this decade in a manner of sadness and depression because the world that I live in is depressing. The land that I live in is on fire. The people who I share this planet with, the majority at least, have been unkind to so many. All these things plague my mind so often that I wonder why I'm here. Why I was put here. Why now. Why during the rise of the alt-right? Why during the bushfires of Australia that has almost wiped out the koala population? Why during all the bigotry, all the homophobia and transphobia, all the hatred towards those who offer a different opinion? This year was very close to being the last year that I live on this Earth. I couldn't handle being here. Even on the last day of the year, I considered doing it again. All because of this video, summarizing all that happened to Australia this year: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=998890573843574
2019 was difficult to navigate, as I had left home and onto a new place to live for the time being. I felt like an outcast at my college. They had unspoken rules that if you didn't drink, you weren't welcome here. I didn't have the same experience at Uni, until someone decided to say those exact words to me, in person, during a lesson, promptly taking one of my friends with him, taking over what little friendships I made during my first semester. From there, I didn't go to my lessons during that semester. I couldn't. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be in a college filled with people who decided that staying up and making as much noise as possible until 5:00 am was a great idea. I may have been annoying during my time, but not as annoying as staying up and making noise, playing weird nursery rhymes for kids, and not allowing someone who needed to go have surgery at 6:00 to have any sleep. The college was a prison. All the staff there were mistreated by students and the head staff members alike. Uni, however, apart from that one experience which has made me repeat the first semester, was different. It was fun. Great fun. But great fun at a price. The price was sleep, money, and transport. And even then, that fun didn't really translate well outside of Uni. I barely got to see anyone outside of the Uni. Two to Three people maybe, but not many. Though I had fun with the two or three people who were outside of Uni. Even then I constantly have my doubts if I can keep them. I feel as if I lose my friends if I get bored of them or move out of where I usually find them. I feel as if I'm losing them just by talking to them. I shouldn't be connected to people if I decide I get bored of them.
Even then, this decade hasn't been great for me and my family. The place in which I live is filled with people who talk behind your back. My family was one of their targets. It was awful. I lost a friend this year due to a car crash and I didn't even know about it until my mother told me on the day of his funeral. I lost another friend to cancer. I lost several people that I looked up to, especially the man, the myth, Rik Mayall. I lost family members. I stayed on studying in a school that treated me like dirt from the very beginning, just because I believed my own lie of "I had friends there". I got OCD from the constant fear of a friend of a friend, one that has stayed with me throughout the year, even when she was gone from my town. I lost one of my cats due to someone, and I kid you not, poisoning it. My brother's friend was murdered.
Throughout this decade, I find myself weaker and weaker to all of the things that have happened. I have lost heroes. Friends. Family. I have felt so defeated.
But then I remember. All the things I have lost does not compare to what I have gained while I am still here. I have new friends. Friends that would do anything for me, as I would do for them. Friends who took the time to talk to me during the hardest points of this decade. And no matter if they have passed, I still have heroes. They stay heroes of mine. Ones to look to. Ones to watch and smile at what they did with their lives, making others happy. And while I may have problems, problems with my mental state, I know that my family will help me. They will look after me. I know it. I know they will. I thank each and every one of you for staying with me. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for liking what I do. Thank you for being there. Because I will always remember the good of people here.
For you all, I shall send you this song. One that summarizes the decade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAZN1oVir5A
2019 was difficult to navigate, as I had left home and onto a new place to live for the time being. I felt like an outcast at my college. They had unspoken rules that if you didn't drink, you weren't welcome here. I didn't have the same experience at Uni, until someone decided to say those exact words to me, in person, during a lesson, promptly taking one of my friends with him, taking over what little friendships I made during my first semester. From there, I didn't go to my lessons during that semester. I couldn't. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be in a college filled with people who decided that staying up and making as much noise as possible until 5:00 am was a great idea. I may have been annoying during my time, but not as annoying as staying up and making noise, playing weird nursery rhymes for kids, and not allowing someone who needed to go have surgery at 6:00 to have any sleep. The college was a prison. All the staff there were mistreated by students and the head staff members alike. Uni, however, apart from that one experience which has made me repeat the first semester, was different. It was fun. Great fun. But great fun at a price. The price was sleep, money, and transport. And even then, that fun didn't really translate well outside of Uni. I barely got to see anyone outside of the Uni. Two to Three people maybe, but not many. Though I had fun with the two or three people who were outside of Uni. Even then I constantly have my doubts if I can keep them. I feel as if I lose my friends if I get bored of them or move out of where I usually find them. I feel as if I'm losing them just by talking to them. I shouldn't be connected to people if I decide I get bored of them.
Even then, this decade hasn't been great for me and my family. The place in which I live is filled with people who talk behind your back. My family was one of their targets. It was awful. I lost a friend this year due to a car crash and I didn't even know about it until my mother told me on the day of his funeral. I lost another friend to cancer. I lost several people that I looked up to, especially the man, the myth, Rik Mayall. I lost family members. I stayed on studying in a school that treated me like dirt from the very beginning, just because I believed my own lie of "I had friends there". I got OCD from the constant fear of a friend of a friend, one that has stayed with me throughout the year, even when she was gone from my town. I lost one of my cats due to someone, and I kid you not, poisoning it. My brother's friend was murdered.
Throughout this decade, I find myself weaker and weaker to all of the things that have happened. I have lost heroes. Friends. Family. I have felt so defeated.
But then I remember. All the things I have lost does not compare to what I have gained while I am still here. I have new friends. Friends that would do anything for me, as I would do for them. Friends who took the time to talk to me during the hardest points of this decade. And no matter if they have passed, I still have heroes. They stay heroes of mine. Ones to look to. Ones to watch and smile at what they did with their lives, making others happy. And while I may have problems, problems with my mental state, I know that my family will help me. They will look after me. I know it. I know they will. I thank each and every one of you for staying with me. Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for liking what I do. Thank you for being there. Because I will always remember the good of people here.
For you all, I shall send you this song. One that summarizes the decade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAZN1oVir5A
In a world that is dying daily, your existence is a testament to the power of life to continue and to fight for a better existence.
So happy new decade man. I hope the best for you, and your family and friends who support you.
The road less traveled is a more rugged road, but it is also more rewarding. Do not be afraid. You do have friends, you do have talents, you do have what it takes to forge a path. Your family is still there for you and has suffered with you. You have scars but scars heal.
*hugs*
Dominus tecum