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I don't Fit apparently
6 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
Author's Note: The author requests comments on his journal, please do not message me on telegram, post here or send a note through FA
So I went to game night, and after a truly horrid day at the new job, I needed something stimulating. What I got was to sit on my ass for two more hours, before being told "You should have texted and told us you'd be late." I arrived at 6:08 pm, game night starts at 6:00 pm. And before then I was at work (where I can't text) and driving (where I can't text). I've been trying to play one game for three weeks now, Terra Mystica. I was promised for the last two "We'll play it next week". Well since I arrived a whole eight minutes late due to heavy traffic, my usual group decided "Nah, we're not playing it this week. Maybe next week."
I snapped basically. Too many long nights, too much stress, too much trying to juggle a diet, a full time job, getting my teacher certification and not having any outlet. I left, I don't think I'll be going back.
If I make a promise to someone, I bend over backwards to make it happen. I want that person to know I care about them, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I fulfill my promise. So when people break them, or just casually do it, it pisses me off. And then blaming ME for not giving them notice, when again I literally couldn't, that sent me over the edge. And yes, they had my phone number, they could have text me at any point. They chose not to.
After that I left. The thing is I want to meet more people, I'm sick of being a hermit. So I went on the NC Furs discord. Big mistake. I spoke to three people and told them "Look, I am lonely and miserable, can I meet people through here?" One was sympathetic, but only a little bit. One, we'll call him Moron, kept trying to turn the conversation to one about himself. And one, we'll call him Dumbass, decided to start blaming me for not being more active on the discord.
As I pointed out, when I introduced myself, no one responded. They ignored me. Dumbass told me I needed to post more. Uh, why would I post in a place where I don't feel I'm wanted and where I get ignored? And I had posted before, and again I was ignored. I just kept deleting them because any discord I left a post in would send updates to my phone.
Moron then decided to chime in and tell me that I needed to take more risks if I wanted to get to know people. Hey, Moron? Did ya think of asking me a single question about my life? Had you done so, you'd know the one thing I don't lack in life are risks. I've changed careers, I went to grad school, I came out to my family who even now want me to go back in, I moved across the country for love. I may be many things, a coward is not one of them.
Incidentally
rimme made a good point to me when I mentioned the take risks thing. If posting on your discord is such a risk, maybe it's a sign you have a crappy discord.
So after five minutes of dealing with Moron and Dumbass, I realized this isn't the place for me and left. What do I want? I want people, actual people in my life who want to know me. I have few friends, but those who I consider to be real friends? I know they'd do anything for me, and they know I'd do anything for them.
rimme and 
vrraven and 
salvestro and 
indagare and 
heavensteed and 
scarfyconly and 
born2beagator and others all should know I'd bend over backwards for them. Literally, anyone who is close to me knows I don't let people in easily. That's why when 
darkenwolfen died, it just crushed me so much. He was one of the few people I felt I could tell anything and one of the only ones I trusted implicitly.
I don't know where I fit in. I don't fit in with the Carolina Furs. If I've learned anything, I don't want too. They're lame. They're selfish. They talk a big game but they're not risk takers. They're a bunch of people who think they're weird and unique, but they're all just a bunch of faces in the crowd.
Oh and on the off chance any of you read this, your group will be doomed if you continue as you do. I was suffering, you responded with criticism. This fandom is supposed to be for the strange, the out of the ordinary, those who don't fit anywhere else. What you did in your "wisdom" was tell one of those people they didn't fit here either.
I want someone here with me. I want to know can have friends here. I want to be a part of the furry fandom. I actually tried going to Charlotte Area fur meets before. Huge, huge mistake. I basically walked into a clique of people who weren't willing but were willing to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough.
If anyone does want to get to know me, speak to me. Say hello. Don't expect me to. People keep expecting me to, but after a while I'm tired of always having to be the one who compromises and goes the extra mile. I'm not asking for people to bend over backwards. I'm asking for more people to ask me how I'm feeling when I ask them.
So I went to game night, and after a truly horrid day at the new job, I needed something stimulating. What I got was to sit on my ass for two more hours, before being told "You should have texted and told us you'd be late." I arrived at 6:08 pm, game night starts at 6:00 pm. And before then I was at work (where I can't text) and driving (where I can't text). I've been trying to play one game for three weeks now, Terra Mystica. I was promised for the last two "We'll play it next week". Well since I arrived a whole eight minutes late due to heavy traffic, my usual group decided "Nah, we're not playing it this week. Maybe next week."
I snapped basically. Too many long nights, too much stress, too much trying to juggle a diet, a full time job, getting my teacher certification and not having any outlet. I left, I don't think I'll be going back.
If I make a promise to someone, I bend over backwards to make it happen. I want that person to know I care about them, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I fulfill my promise. So when people break them, or just casually do it, it pisses me off. And then blaming ME for not giving them notice, when again I literally couldn't, that sent me over the edge. And yes, they had my phone number, they could have text me at any point. They chose not to.
After that I left. The thing is I want to meet more people, I'm sick of being a hermit. So I went on the NC Furs discord. Big mistake. I spoke to three people and told them "Look, I am lonely and miserable, can I meet people through here?" One was sympathetic, but only a little bit. One, we'll call him Moron, kept trying to turn the conversation to one about himself. And one, we'll call him Dumbass, decided to start blaming me for not being more active on the discord.
As I pointed out, when I introduced myself, no one responded. They ignored me. Dumbass told me I needed to post more. Uh, why would I post in a place where I don't feel I'm wanted and where I get ignored? And I had posted before, and again I was ignored. I just kept deleting them because any discord I left a post in would send updates to my phone.
Moron then decided to chime in and tell me that I needed to take more risks if I wanted to get to know people. Hey, Moron? Did ya think of asking me a single question about my life? Had you done so, you'd know the one thing I don't lack in life are risks. I've changed careers, I went to grad school, I came out to my family who even now want me to go back in, I moved across the country for love. I may be many things, a coward is not one of them.
Incidentally
rimme made a good point to me when I mentioned the take risks thing. If posting on your discord is such a risk, maybe it's a sign you have a crappy discord.So after five minutes of dealing with Moron and Dumbass, I realized this isn't the place for me and left. What do I want? I want people, actual people in my life who want to know me. I have few friends, but those who I consider to be real friends? I know they'd do anything for me, and they know I'd do anything for them.
rimme and 
vrraven and 
salvestro and 
indagare and 
heavensteed and 
scarfyconly and 
born2beagator and others all should know I'd bend over backwards for them. Literally, anyone who is close to me knows I don't let people in easily. That's why when 
darkenwolfen died, it just crushed me so much. He was one of the few people I felt I could tell anything and one of the only ones I trusted implicitly.I don't know where I fit in. I don't fit in with the Carolina Furs. If I've learned anything, I don't want too. They're lame. They're selfish. They talk a big game but they're not risk takers. They're a bunch of people who think they're weird and unique, but they're all just a bunch of faces in the crowd.
Oh and on the off chance any of you read this, your group will be doomed if you continue as you do. I was suffering, you responded with criticism. This fandom is supposed to be for the strange, the out of the ordinary, those who don't fit anywhere else. What you did in your "wisdom" was tell one of those people they didn't fit here either.
I want someone here with me. I want to know can have friends here. I want to be a part of the furry fandom. I actually tried going to Charlotte Area fur meets before. Huge, huge mistake. I basically walked into a clique of people who weren't willing but were willing to tell me I wasn't trying hard enough.
If anyone does want to get to know me, speak to me. Say hello. Don't expect me to. People keep expecting me to, but after a while I'm tired of always having to be the one who compromises and goes the extra mile. I'm not asking for people to bend over backwards. I'm asking for more people to ask me how I'm feeling when I ask them.
Don't get discouraged, okay? You'll feel welcome.
Not all Discord groups are private invite-only social clubs. If someone comes in and needs someone to talk to, TALK TO THEM. LISTEN TO THEM. 9 TIMES OUT OF 10, THEY JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO. You are here to socialize, so socialize!
You don't know him. Until you know him, you have no right to judge him. Not everyone is a chatty attention whore on social media. You can think he's attention-grabby for wanting attention, whatever, it's your opinion, but KEEP YOUR DAMN OPINIONS TO YOURSELF AND LISTEN. Maybe it's you who needs to take risks on other people, and maybe you could make a really cool friend ( and more ) if you took a chance and listened.
The best thing I can suggest is to give yourself a few days to calm down, go to Reddit and look up r/lfg. There are a lot of folks in that sub who've been in the situation you've been in. Oh-by the way: I understand about the teacher thing. It's a lot of pressure (especially these days). That can have an effect on your stress level and cause you to get extra frustrated at things that most of the time come down to people just not understanding your situation.
Don't let this rattle you too much. You're worth kindness, love and compassion and will find people to hang with who respect you and who won't treat you like shit.
So unfortunately we must turn away from these people lest you flay them alive with that witty tongue of yours.
Seriously, screw those assholes, they don't deserve you. Finding a group of people in real life that are just on the right side of weird is difficult. (Trust me, I'm a Pagan, finding a half-sane coven is like looking for palm trees in the Swiss alps.)
I think you can find people to socialize with near by but I can't think of much to help but trial and error.
I don't really think I helped with that ^ but I'm always here, even if my dumb ass forgets to respond for a bit.
Furry is not mainstream, but it's also far more accepted than it used to be, and now we have so many more here that don't understand at all the social disjunct that older furs like yourself and I know and lived through. Sounds like this group is emblematic of it.
I used to have high expectations for my friends that they would do me the simple courtesies that I offered them. Some do, but most don't. I've stopped expecting it these days because I'm tired of being annoyed or angry at people I care about. I hate it but there it is.
Dominus tecum