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A fork in the road
5 years ago
This is probably a nonsensical place to bring up such a topic, but I have been feeling in some weird ways for some time. Not... bad per se, but a lot of various odd thoughts, on myself, on the fandom, on sexuality and sexual identity.
For a long time I had a very black and white, cut and dry outlook on sexuality. I grew up in pre-social media, pre-in-your-face-about-everything furry fandom where things were still on the whole taboo. Lots of porn still to be had, but to be over sharing, to throw around dick picks and murrsuit stuff around or otherwise rubbing your sexual identity in everyone's faces was still not a really cool thing to do and garnered you a reputation of a slut or a simpleton, usually both. At that point I was a very subversive type individual, the typical 20s gay guy. I drew porn like it was going out of style, I joked around about being gay, usually putting myself as the butt of many jokes that revolved around being gay. (still kinda do but far less so) I had fun with it to say the least, but this was also at a time when being vocal about ones sexuality wasn't something one got praised for, so I dealt with getting shit occasionally, but hey that just came with the territory of being way too open and way too extra I guess and I learned that one the hard way... a few times.
As of late how ever, I find myself more weary and more off-put or otherwise exhausted by the state of the fandom in terms of sexuality. Even at points kinda coming down on myself and feeling kinda gross for being gay merely cause of association with what being gay seemed to mean within the fandom and a couple of times really not liking myself cause of it and my choices in life that stemmed from my being gay. I noticed it in the art community, a low-key thought pattern that pops up every now and then of "if its not gay porn it can just like...not be here...ok? Thanks.". This isn't to say I am gonna stop drawing or enjoying the gay stuff, its more acknowledging a particular issue of the times, I will still always draw that I want/ feel. I just really can see and have sympathized a lot with friends who have had to deal with the treatment that comes with not being part of the gay furry culture, or being gay but not being super loud and proud about it and getting honestly poor treatment cause of it. Doesn't really make one have those warm and fuzzy gay pride feels.
Im in my 30s now, humorously refereed to as "gay death" and I guess that's kinda coming to pass? Or maybe just my tastes in people changed I guess? Often when I meet someone or a group and you try and strike up a conversation or get to know people.. they mostly seem to focus on talking about their desire for someone *hint hint HINT* make them their little slut toy to use an abuse, or like just brag about their bedroom lives and conquests or otherwise just HOW gay they are and they just won't seem to move past the subject. In a way, I am kinda disheartened at feeling like a weird outsider for wanting more than just basic, opportunistic, horny, gayness. But at other times its hard to be upset cause honestly. Being gay is kinda the default these days in the fandom, its as common as water and air, most gay dudes in the furry fandom are younger ones, just a demographic that's more or less is just looking to explore sex and themselves in a very hard and fast way that often focuses less on intimacy or attraction, and more just finding ways to deal with and explore urges and weird feelings that arise, But with that I know being gay has the same intricacies as any other form of sexual identity and I just don't belong to the current scene, hence the weird feelings and changes in myself.
These days I have simply defaulted to saying I am Bi (keep it short and sweet), I can never deny who I was, or what I am in this present time, I want to keep that plain and simple to spare confusion. I end up looking for the same social and personality merits regardless of someones sex and I am feeling more and more comfortable being able to express that. I never really was the loud and proud gay guy, even at my peak, but in my younger years I fell into the classic trope/ trap of always trying to prove my gayness to other furs like it was the end all, be all of ones personality and identity. As I aged and had more encounters and experiences I noticed more and more just how common that type of gay mindset/ presentation/ way of being was getting to be within the fandom. I began to realize, that's not the type of gay guy I was anymore, if at all, at least when I tried to be more outwardly gay in the past. I just no longer jived or really fit in with the furry fandom's current gay culture, it just wasn't who I was, and honestly that's okay. I really just need to be myself and stop trying to make myself fit into roles and categories.
If you are down here looking for a TL:DR, I believe in full-context, soo no, haha.
(ugh, well that only took for ever to write @.=.@)
For a long time I had a very black and white, cut and dry outlook on sexuality. I grew up in pre-social media, pre-in-your-face-about-everything furry fandom where things were still on the whole taboo. Lots of porn still to be had, but to be over sharing, to throw around dick picks and murrsuit stuff around or otherwise rubbing your sexual identity in everyone's faces was still not a really cool thing to do and garnered you a reputation of a slut or a simpleton, usually both. At that point I was a very subversive type individual, the typical 20s gay guy. I drew porn like it was going out of style, I joked around about being gay, usually putting myself as the butt of many jokes that revolved around being gay. (still kinda do but far less so) I had fun with it to say the least, but this was also at a time when being vocal about ones sexuality wasn't something one got praised for, so I dealt with getting shit occasionally, but hey that just came with the territory of being way too open and way too extra I guess and I learned that one the hard way... a few times.
As of late how ever, I find myself more weary and more off-put or otherwise exhausted by the state of the fandom in terms of sexuality. Even at points kinda coming down on myself and feeling kinda gross for being gay merely cause of association with what being gay seemed to mean within the fandom and a couple of times really not liking myself cause of it and my choices in life that stemmed from my being gay. I noticed it in the art community, a low-key thought pattern that pops up every now and then of "if its not gay porn it can just like...not be here...ok? Thanks.". This isn't to say I am gonna stop drawing or enjoying the gay stuff, its more acknowledging a particular issue of the times, I will still always draw that I want/ feel. I just really can see and have sympathized a lot with friends who have had to deal with the treatment that comes with not being part of the gay furry culture, or being gay but not being super loud and proud about it and getting honestly poor treatment cause of it. Doesn't really make one have those warm and fuzzy gay pride feels.
Im in my 30s now, humorously refereed to as "gay death" and I guess that's kinda coming to pass? Or maybe just my tastes in people changed I guess? Often when I meet someone or a group and you try and strike up a conversation or get to know people.. they mostly seem to focus on talking about their desire for someone *hint hint HINT* make them their little slut toy to use an abuse, or like just brag about their bedroom lives and conquests or otherwise just HOW gay they are and they just won't seem to move past the subject. In a way, I am kinda disheartened at feeling like a weird outsider for wanting more than just basic, opportunistic, horny, gayness. But at other times its hard to be upset cause honestly. Being gay is kinda the default these days in the fandom, its as common as water and air, most gay dudes in the furry fandom are younger ones, just a demographic that's more or less is just looking to explore sex and themselves in a very hard and fast way that often focuses less on intimacy or attraction, and more just finding ways to deal with and explore urges and weird feelings that arise, But with that I know being gay has the same intricacies as any other form of sexual identity and I just don't belong to the current scene, hence the weird feelings and changes in myself.
These days I have simply defaulted to saying I am Bi (keep it short and sweet), I can never deny who I was, or what I am in this present time, I want to keep that plain and simple to spare confusion. I end up looking for the same social and personality merits regardless of someones sex and I am feeling more and more comfortable being able to express that. I never really was the loud and proud gay guy, even at my peak, but in my younger years I fell into the classic trope/ trap of always trying to prove my gayness to other furs like it was the end all, be all of ones personality and identity. As I aged and had more encounters and experiences I noticed more and more just how common that type of gay mindset/ presentation/ way of being was getting to be within the fandom. I began to realize, that's not the type of gay guy I was anymore, if at all, at least when I tried to be more outwardly gay in the past. I just no longer jived or really fit in with the furry fandom's current gay culture, it just wasn't who I was, and honestly that's okay. I really just need to be myself and stop trying to make myself fit into roles and categories.
If you are down here looking for a TL:DR, I believe in full-context, soo no, haha.
(ugh, well that only took for ever to write @.=.@)
Wingy, you're gay-er than me and a lot more active. Do you find that gay culture inside Furry is different now than it was ten years ago? (Over ten years, I'd be surprised if it wasn't!) If so, how do you think it's changed?
Gay furry culture 10 years ago was proud, and loud at times but a bit more reserved not a ton but, at least more than now. But there are some troubling things happening from within these days.
Thanks anyway for telling me, though.
I'm a little more positive though- as long as they stay away from the radicalization of things like 4chan- and I feel like the openness and freedom of experimenting with self-expression and sexuality can lead to a generation of people that are more comfortable with who they are.
I find your take on what happened interesting, you put the words to things I've been feeling, but can't describe to other people.