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(VENT) I feel like I have no one...
6 years ago
General
Don't like don't read.
Make sure you read my T.O.S before getting art from me https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8675974/
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Make sure you read my T.O.S before getting art from me https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8675974/
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Please note this is just for me to get this off my chest. You don't have to read. It's just me getting what I bottle up out of my system.
I feel like I have no one, but I have so many people who care for me... And my own parents are to blame for my misery. I don't go a single day without one of my parents calling me retarded. I get up every morning to some sort of name calling. I go everyday wondering when I can finally get out of this toxic place. People wonder why I lose confidence in myself and in my art. Or I have no motivation to do something. This is why, being told that what I want as a job is pointless, being told that I'm not going anywhere in life, I don't want to be here anymore.... But housing is too expensive, I have to finish school before I can do that. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm loosing motivation in wanting to get up in the morning. Cause every single day is the same, I deal with my siblings, I clean my fucking house while both parents sit and play WoW all day. I'm 20 I shouldn't be spending my days raising my siblings. I shouldn't feel chained. I shouldn't want to wish my parents never got back together. Hearing my dad birch about leaving, where I'm to the point I want to tell him to go right the fuck ahead. To the point when my mother goes on about wanting to change the WiFi password, which would completely render me unable to contact anyone including my mate, to go ahead and do it. The person I am now... Is the person I was long ago before I had left. I shouldn't of decided going back to school was worth it. I would of still had a job, I would of still had my own place to live, and now it all backfires on my face. And I can't do it anymore. I feel alone despite the fact I have friends that hold me close, that are trying to keep me on my feet. But at this point when your parents see nothing but a failure, and not the daughter that's doing what she can for her family.... It's just as bad as taking a knife and putting it through my chest. I don't know how much more I can take of this before I just start shutting down and I start pushing people away. Two years ago, I was someone who would distant herself from people, cause for a long time that's what was drilled into my brain by my exs and parents. Just do as your told and don't try to socialize with people you don't know. Working like a robotic maid. No emotions unless told to show them. Someone who thought she was happy.
Someone who thought that it was okay for your partner to hit you, to scream at you, to force you to do things you really didn't want. I don't want that to happen. But the more I bottle it up... the more I can't keep it to myself. So I write it down. Doesn't matter who see's. I'm hurting like no other. And wondering why I feel so bad when their are people worst off then me. Wondering why I feel like I'm dangling from the end of a rope desprate to climb back out, but with no strength to do it, slowly slipping the last few inches. Why do I wonder if my life is dark enough? 
Cause having to deal with all this, isnt nice at all! and im very sorry to hear this, ive read your journal many times, and i understand, we are all here for you, and we all wishes that it will get better and there is a turning point at some point soon!
Please hang in there and keep fighting, dont lose hope on your dreams and what you wanna do, you will get to do them, im certain of it. I believe in you!