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3/2/2020
6 years ago
General
“When you shall say, "As others do, so will I. I renounce, I am sorry for it, my early visions; I must eat the good of the land, and let learning and romantic expectations go, until a more convenient season." — then dies the man in you;” - Ralph W. Emerson
I saw a squirrel chase two girls, then a boy, then came to me. Instead of trying to flee, I stood still and let him stand up, fluff up, sniff my shoes and then I thought he was walking off but actually he jumped on a walk and was following me. Then he went down to a boy sitting on a bench and tried to get on his lap. I couldn’t quite tell if the squirrel was happy or angry but at least it was a nice experience for me, and amusing.
I think I’ve figured out why some subjects that “should” appeal to me are extraordinarily difficult. I can’t handle absolute/creative knowledge well, for some reason. I feel it’s probably related to overload and the fact that there are so many rules it feels like there are none. I use absolute/creative knowledge to refer to knowledge that is mathematical in nature, where there are definite forms and you must plug them in to equations.
This includes mathematics, physics, chemistry and language. I can be taught it over and over and still fail after trying 100 times. In algebra, I’d know what the formulas are, do it all correctly...and then fail, somehow. I’d be shown why I erred, I’ll do it again and then...failed again, somehow. I’d apparently err on something else. Latin and Spanish are the same; I’ll learn it all (and so much shit I can’t remember hardly any of it) and then, somehow, fail on everything except the most specific, simple phrases and words. I can copy, but not “understand” it coherently. I even feel with the English language all I’ve been doing is mimicking and not really understanding, but since I have conducted the vast majority of my lifetime to it, I can feasibly use it and play with it, even as an “outsider agent” in the real. Perhaps this is why my own personal language is both heavily erratic and even amuses me, (giggling a little at my own words) that I know it is not “real” English and neither has been nor can be?
My family tells me that what I say is “bullshit” and it’s just me being lazy or not liking the material, but there is a definite difference between absolute/creative knowledge and knowledge that is less creative and less concrete, with less rules and such (I had a name for it but I forgot...) such as history, philosophy and social sciences. One just comes easier for me than the other. (I have a skeleton of an essay written somewhere but I can’t reach it so I won’t try to elaborate.)
I think I’ve figured out why some subjects that “should” appeal to me are extraordinarily difficult. I can’t handle absolute/creative knowledge well, for some reason. I feel it’s probably related to overload and the fact that there are so many rules it feels like there are none. I use absolute/creative knowledge to refer to knowledge that is mathematical in nature, where there are definite forms and you must plug them in to equations.
This includes mathematics, physics, chemistry and language. I can be taught it over and over and still fail after trying 100 times. In algebra, I’d know what the formulas are, do it all correctly...and then fail, somehow. I’d be shown why I erred, I’ll do it again and then...failed again, somehow. I’d apparently err on something else. Latin and Spanish are the same; I’ll learn it all (and so much shit I can’t remember hardly any of it) and then, somehow, fail on everything except the most specific, simple phrases and words. I can copy, but not “understand” it coherently. I even feel with the English language all I’ve been doing is mimicking and not really understanding, but since I have conducted the vast majority of my lifetime to it, I can feasibly use it and play with it, even as an “outsider agent” in the real. Perhaps this is why my own personal language is both heavily erratic and even amuses me, (giggling a little at my own words) that I know it is not “real” English and neither has been nor can be?
My family tells me that what I say is “bullshit” and it’s just me being lazy or not liking the material, but there is a definite difference between absolute/creative knowledge and knowledge that is less creative and less concrete, with less rules and such (I had a name for it but I forgot...) such as history, philosophy and social sciences. One just comes easier for me than the other. (I have a skeleton of an essay written somewhere but I can’t reach it so I won’t try to elaborate.)
