Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...

I've given thought about my online presence, and everything that's been happening over the past little while. I feel like my main problem is in my social media connections replacing or counterfeiting real relationships and connections. (Funny to mention, given the current crisis, yeah?)
Thing is, I also have tons of things I'm dealing with that aren't related to this quarantine crisis at all. Ultimately, everything and everyone seems to have some sort of "mental cost" to me.

I guess I can explain it like so: my mind and my heart are like an apartment complex, but I'm the manager. Sometimes I make good business decisions, sometimes less-wise ones. Yes, sometimes I panic-buy, sometimes I make spur-of-the-moment deals. But everyone and everything in my life takes up room in my mental apartments.
The thing is, some of those rooms generate positivity for me, and so I invest in those things or people. Sometimes not expecting much in return, but I do get surprised by a few gifts every now and again. Sometimes though, some people feel like they own the place and trash my property. Sadly, those kind of people exist.
As manager of my mental apartment, I've put off spring cleaning for far too long. I feel like it's time to do some heavy cleaning, but I also acknowledge that it'll take some energy and some mental fortitude to have to tell some friends that I'm kicking them out of my mental apartment unless they pay me rent.
Ah yes, what is rent in this analogy, you may ask.
To me, to occupy a room in my mental apartment... rent is positivity. It's understanding. It's respect. And it's mutual - I provide services and perks at my discretion (as manager of my own mental apartment) and whether my mental budget can allow for such perks. But I can also withhold if I'm not treated like an individual person with my own individual opinions, idiosyncrasies, mistakes, faults, shortcomings, etc. I'm not available 100% of the time - The front office is closed sometimes for maintenance and mental wellness seminars.

One of those weaknesses, I'll admit, is a hesitancy to tell someone they're being disrespectful or toxic to me.
I get that people have their own experiences in life that have directed them to their own personal opinions on how life works, but so have I. You don't get to invalidate anybody else's opinion or experience just because yours is different. Or, put another way... if you have that right, then so do I. You're not special in that regard. You don't get a free pass, not unless there's some authority you hold that says you can but the rest of us can't. (If you claim to have such authority, then you better believe I'll ask for proof of such authority. Oh, are you a medical professional? Okay then, [citation needed] please!)

And likewise, if I dislike something, then you better believe I have a right, if a means to communicate it exists (comments on an art post, for example), to say so. And so do you! Everybody does! It's called "freedom of expression" and it's not limited to artists being able to draw or make what they want (even if it's utter crap <-- EXAMPLE!). But in my mental apartment, I reserve the right to kick out anything I dislike, or want to, if I feel that it's an unacceptable detriment to the state of the apartment complex.

Which is why I had disabled and downsized my presence on social media and sites like Discord, FurAffinity, and Inkbunny. As much as I like so much of the art and interactions on those sites/services, I have to admit that a negative influence built up inside of me with relations to the art capabilities ("Damn I wish I could have more time to draw so I could work my way to drawing that well") or characters ("Damn I wish I had the money and means to commission art of that artist of my character with that character"), artists themselves ("Damn I wish this person were open for commissions so I could support them") or situations ("Damn I wish this person had open commission slots because I love their art style")... But often I get hung up on some financial struggle or five that I have to pay off first, but as soon as I do buy something for myself something bad happens and I need to stop and save up money to pay that off... OR I get told "your character is too complex, I won't draw it"... (like, what, you're not going to charge me extra? Not going to try to stretch your capabilities a little, to take on a challenge and possibly better yourself as an artist? fine, I guess I'll go... elsewhere) ... OR I am given promises and they never come to fruition (I'll admit I've had to cancel on projects, but geez at the very least I'll tell someone if I no longer feel I can do it! instead of just saying "oh yeah it'll be done in a few days!" and then it never happens) ...

That's all just talking about art.

Now, interpersonal interactions... I am no certified psychologist or expert, but I'll bend my ear to hear you if you need to vent. Moreso if you're a friend of mine and I care about you. But... if I do have a mental issue because something you say or do affects me, or brings up something I'm struggling to clean out of my mental apartment... Guess what? Unless you knew about it, unless I told you about it... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that something said or done brought those memories back! I have actual panic attacks for some things that I'm still working through, but that doesn't mean you're to blame for triggering such!
Unless, of course, you did know, and purposefully brought it up.
In which case, I'll immediately ask you to leave my mental apartment.

Now, this extends to things brought up in discussions, artwork, roleplay sessions, lifestyles, etc. I have to distract myself sometimes from the negativities of life, much like everyone else. But could we please agree that the positivity (or at least, the neutrality) needs to be mutually agreed upon? If you want to flaunt your relationship status at me, knowing that a specific kind of teasing is just going to get on my nerves, or make me jealous, or make me angry, then don't even bother. Just check yourself out of my mental apartment. Just do me that favor! If you want to roleplay some erotic situation involving... I dunno... pregnant lesbians or something? then you better ask me if I'm in the mood for it. I might be struggling with something you might not know about. Be courteous, alright? Is that too much to ask?

In any case, I'm going to be cleaning up some stuff in my online profiles. This means possibly removing myself from some watch lists, Discord servers, and platforms altogether. It can also mean removing some people from my friends lists, since I honestly want to downsize my mental apartment sizes anyway so I can build some mental gardens and cultivate some inner peace
Don't forget, though, that I do offer mental timeshares also. Things happen, and sometimes you want to take a break from things. And that's okay. I totally understand. Just be sure to reapply at the front office when you want to check back in, and I'll see about how much room I have.

If anybody reading this recognizes me from a community I was once part of, please feel free to share this journal link with that community. If there's somebody out there who can use the words, language, or analogy of the mental apartment to visualize, articulate, and explain their own circumstance to people mentally bullying them, then I would feel at peace knowing I helped someone somewhere. And if nobody else gets helped by this... well, at least I'll feel better knowing I was able to express myself as best as I could. So now, you gotta let me know...

Should I say or should I go?