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I need a break... but I can't. [rant]
5 years ago
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[ General information ] ♞ [ Commission info ] ♞ [ Open slots and commission status ] ♞ [ About me ]This is going to be a bit of rant and lot of complaining, so you've been warned, and I apologize in advance. But I just really need to talk about this.
I live in a perpetual mix of depression, stress, anxiety and burnout for... well... I don't even know. 10 years? 15? There have been better times and worse times but overall the last time I was able to experience what it is like to live without constant worry and crushing pressure was when I was too little to really understand things.
And right now is one of the worse times. Several days ago our water boiler broke down, there is no hot water now, and ever since I'm constantly sick in the stomach from stress and feel like I'm so exhausted that I just want to fall asleep for a hundred years. Eventually got some advance payment and a donation so I'll be able to get it replaced but it's still gonna cost $185 and for us that is a LOT.
"Wait, what? You sell commissions for several hundred dollars!" - you might say. Yeah, except due to my constant fucked up health state it takes very long to finish them. I should be able to finish one in a week, if my health was normal, but now they take months. So my actual income per month is barely enough to scrape by. And I can't just take on more commissions, I need to finish existing ones first, otherwise I'll build a gigantic backlog that will be impossible to finish not to mention the pressure of having to finish commissions is one of the major sources of my stress. Don't get me wrong, my commissioners are amazing, understanding and patient people, And I'm genuinely grateful for that, but that doesn't mean I don't feel super stressed about taking so long to finish their paintings. I feel like I'm abusing their patience.
And I don't even enjoy personal art anymore, or feel good about doing a house cleanup, or anything, because I always just feel crushing guilt for not spending that energy on paid work instead.
I need a break... and by that I mean what I would need is 6 months without the constant worry of what are we going to eat next week, or if we can pay bills before they cut internet or electricity. 6 months when I don't feel constant enormous pressure from having to scrape together enough money to get through the month. 6 months to be able to feel safe, and regenerate, recuperate... and just work on personal art with no pressure or deadline whatsoever. To be able, once again, properly enjoy painting, to paint just for the sake of it, and let paintings take whatever time they need in order to realize their true potential.
But I can't. There is simply no way to do that. To be able to take a break for 6 months and not having to constantly worry about getting through the month I would need to have $2000 in the bank. If I would want to actually go to a therapist, add another $5-700. And that may not be so crazy amount by eg. American or German standards, but for me in my current situation that's a crazy amount of money. And there is no way for me to get that, unless I win on the lottery. There is nothing of value I could sell. I already explained why taking on more commissions without finishing existing first is not an option and would only make things worse. Taking a loan would mean the same problem, and nobody would give me one anyway. I've looked into artist grants too but there is nothing I can apply for without being a "modern artist" or being a student at a state-recognized art school. I can't even save up because we are in the negative at the end of each month.
And the most frustrating is that I know, I KNOW that if I wasn't this fucked up, I could make that 2k in 1-2 months. But for that I would need to get better and for that I need a break... and there we go, with the chicken-egg problem, that in order to make more money, I first need to have more money. It's so frustrating... It's so stupid... I wish I could somehow tell my stupid brain to just stop goddamn stressing, calm the heck down and let me be productive. But that's not how mental illnesses work. And this whole COVID-19 shit isn't helping either, I'm scared that with the economy crashing I may soon have trouble finding commissions. I have a few on waiting list, but then what? It's also plain depressing to constantly see the news about everything going to shit, and I can't even go to a social gathering now.
*sigh*
I'm just really tired and fed up, and I needed to talk about this. I'm sorry if I brought your mood down. I'm just trying to find a way to feel a little better so maybe I can try to actually get some work done.
I live in a perpetual mix of depression, stress, anxiety and burnout for... well... I don't even know. 10 years? 15? There have been better times and worse times but overall the last time I was able to experience what it is like to live without constant worry and crushing pressure was when I was too little to really understand things.
And right now is one of the worse times. Several days ago our water boiler broke down, there is no hot water now, and ever since I'm constantly sick in the stomach from stress and feel like I'm so exhausted that I just want to fall asleep for a hundred years. Eventually got some advance payment and a donation so I'll be able to get it replaced but it's still gonna cost $185 and for us that is a LOT.
"Wait, what? You sell commissions for several hundred dollars!" - you might say. Yeah, except due to my constant fucked up health state it takes very long to finish them. I should be able to finish one in a week, if my health was normal, but now they take months. So my actual income per month is barely enough to scrape by. And I can't just take on more commissions, I need to finish existing ones first, otherwise I'll build a gigantic backlog that will be impossible to finish not to mention the pressure of having to finish commissions is one of the major sources of my stress. Don't get me wrong, my commissioners are amazing, understanding and patient people, And I'm genuinely grateful for that, but that doesn't mean I don't feel super stressed about taking so long to finish their paintings. I feel like I'm abusing their patience.
And I don't even enjoy personal art anymore, or feel good about doing a house cleanup, or anything, because I always just feel crushing guilt for not spending that energy on paid work instead.
I need a break... and by that I mean what I would need is 6 months without the constant worry of what are we going to eat next week, or if we can pay bills before they cut internet or electricity. 6 months when I don't feel constant enormous pressure from having to scrape together enough money to get through the month. 6 months to be able to feel safe, and regenerate, recuperate... and just work on personal art with no pressure or deadline whatsoever. To be able, once again, properly enjoy painting, to paint just for the sake of it, and let paintings take whatever time they need in order to realize their true potential.
But I can't. There is simply no way to do that. To be able to take a break for 6 months and not having to constantly worry about getting through the month I would need to have $2000 in the bank. If I would want to actually go to a therapist, add another $5-700. And that may not be so crazy amount by eg. American or German standards, but for me in my current situation that's a crazy amount of money. And there is no way for me to get that, unless I win on the lottery. There is nothing of value I could sell. I already explained why taking on more commissions without finishing existing first is not an option and would only make things worse. Taking a loan would mean the same problem, and nobody would give me one anyway. I've looked into artist grants too but there is nothing I can apply for without being a "modern artist" or being a student at a state-recognized art school. I can't even save up because we are in the negative at the end of each month.
And the most frustrating is that I know, I KNOW that if I wasn't this fucked up, I could make that 2k in 1-2 months. But for that I would need to get better and for that I need a break... and there we go, with the chicken-egg problem, that in order to make more money, I first need to have more money. It's so frustrating... It's so stupid... I wish I could somehow tell my stupid brain to just stop goddamn stressing, calm the heck down and let me be productive. But that's not how mental illnesses work. And this whole COVID-19 shit isn't helping either, I'm scared that with the economy crashing I may soon have trouble finding commissions. I have a few on waiting list, but then what? It's also plain depressing to constantly see the news about everything going to shit, and I can't even go to a social gathering now.
*sigh*
I'm just really tired and fed up, and I needed to talk about this. I'm sorry if I brought your mood down. I'm just trying to find a way to feel a little better so maybe I can try to actually get some work done.
I'm also worried about the economy for the creative industry. We are a luxury, not essential to the physical survival of people. At the moment I'm good with comms too, but the amount of people who can afford art in the future will probably be fewer. I also wanted to apply for an in-house studio position and that's pointless during Corona. It's not the greatest perspective right now. But in that regard we'll have to see. It's still an international market, so I hope the pool for clients is still large enough.
Jobs are not an option for me. Not even an in-house art job. I have some issues... I don't want to get into details but me trying to do jobs like other people results in me getting a complete breakdown and then taking several months to recover. So I just can't, even if I wanted to...
An art freelance job, maybe... BIG maybe... depends on many things. I can do furry commissions because furries are generally patient, laid back, don't have crazy demands and usually sensible about their wishes. I only had one art freelance job that would have been 12 illustrations, paid well and in advance each, but I had to quit halfway into the first... It was an extremely difficult client. They were really friendly and genuinely good willed, but horrible to have to work with.
And you know, it's not the hardships and plain BS that life throws at me that really bothers me. I honestly don't care, and I'm not afraid to face it. Being powerless to actually deal with it is what kills me inside. I know the solution to almost all of my big issues, and know at least a partial solution or a direction to go for the rest - but I don't have the resources to execute those solutions and that makes me feel helpless, like I'm a slave, chained up in a cage. And this is what's burning me up from the inside. :/
It's hard.
Lately I started reading [ / listening to audio] books again with the hopes of gaining new perspectives on things and maybe find solutions I didn't see before. Malcolm Gladwell's books (up on YouTube as audio books) are amazing. They are about the science and statistics behind various social and economic phenomena like success or social epidemics. "Outliers" is about what makes someone stand out, and as an artist and entrepreneur I feel I learned a lot of useful things from it. Then Tipping point is about social epidemics. And now listening to Blink, which is about the science behind intuition, specifically first haunches. And I think next will be David and Goliath, which is about underdogs and how they can win - which sounds relevant to my situation. XD Also, The Critic as Artist by Oscar Wilde is a pretty interesting short read that changed the way I look at criticism in art. I want to read the rest of Wilde's art related writings now.
Also, I just working on a piece for a contest you may wanna check out: https://www.instagram.com/p/B_m9gSpDgA1/