So, the last few hours have been... rough to put it mildly. The last post, was a suicide note. Yes, it was really that bad. Normally I might delete it, but I'm going to keep it around. As a reminder to not get that low again, and a reminder of what to do if it should happen again. I'll only delete it when I'm sure I'm ready.

Short story is, I called the suicide prevention hotline, and had some friends to vent to, talk some fucking sense into me, and otherwise put a lid on my self loathing. The one thing I think keeping me alive the most, is me not wanting to end relationships. Going forward, my workaround is going to have to be me, communicating better. Communicating my problems, and communicating that I need help understanding. It's not easy, but its preferable to the alternative of never knowing or being afraid to ask. Or worse. And if others don't want to bare with me, that's their problem, and I don't care. I won't put up with this from me anymore, I sure as hell won't put up with it from others either.

I hope to god this never happens again. To all of those who helped and listened, thank you. Thank you, so very, very much. You all are proof the world around me doesn't have to suck. That the gift of life is to be cherished. That I can work through my problems and soldier through thick and thin. That I deserve to be alive and have purpose on this earth. That I have people I can trust, and shoulders to cry on. That I can create good. And that there is always light in darkness. I don't put this lightly:

You saved my life.