rimme and I called off our trip. Outside pressure was too great.

I'm now going to explain this to everyone who didn't respond to my journal, who has given me crap for my sexuality, or who has condescended to me about how some isolation is quote a "first world problem".

I don't just dislike my parents. I hate them with a burning, fiery passion. Their are no two people I less want to be with on Earth than these two. When I told my mom I was cancelling, she was so sympathetic that she briefly glanced up from her newspaper. Mind you I was crying, but hey she heroically kept reading. Because she's ashamed of me. My dad is too. I'm the disgrace of the family, the secret they don't talk about, and they don't see how their years of psychological abuse have left me so messed up.

My relationship is no less valid just because I am in one with a guy. And yet I live under people who tell me it is. My father is so ashamed he can't even admit it. That's why this has been a hellish month and a half thus far with me. It's not being isolated, I could live with isolation. It's being stuck in a house with two people who will never stop criticizing you, who do not love you unconditionally, who will use every chance they can to torture you into who they want you to be, and it NEVER FUCKING STOPS!

I'm not a little unhappy, I want to die while I am here. My family sucks every bit of joy out of my life, they make it hard to maintain outside contact even when the goddamn plague isn't around. And now I get another month of this fucking shit. Guess what, their is no goddamn end in sight. I don't get anything for my mental health beyond people who constantly call me lazy, tell me I'm not taking this seriously or who accuse me of bringing the plague. That's the bright future for me, more of this fucking shit from these bastards who I hope both get the damn virus at this point.

No one is helping me here. Just me. So anyone who claims to know what I'm going through? Yeah, go to hell. You don't know what it's like to be so isolated that you genuinely didn't know how to talk to people without beating yourself up for being shit at it. You don't know what it's like being stuck with people who abuse you and gaslight you constantly. I hate them. Beyond words I hate them.

And I don't see a fucking end. Congratulations, they got their way again. It's never going to be my time.