I keep drifting between two feelings lately: frustrated and hopeless. It doesn't matter what I'm trying to do. Nothing seems to go anywhere. Nobody seems to notice or care, or show any interest in anything I try to do, past a fleeting, dismissive, "oh, that's cool, I guess" before moving on with something way more interesting than Habit having ideas again.

Everything I try to do feels meaningless and pointless as a result. It's like I'm stuck alone in an empty room. Occasionally, people pop their head in to take a look around, but they don't really say anything. They just shrug, leave the room, shut the door, and forget I was even in there. Sometimes, they throw a few scraps into the room, a broken crayon, some pennies, trash they found lying around on the floor outside, but nothing else ever really happens.

Meanwhile the whole world and everybody in it, everybody who ever knew me, who ever claimed to give a shit about me or my efforts or goals, moves on, not even pausing for a second to wonder where I am. Sometimes they glance back and ask for free shit, if they're bored enough: free entertainment, free company, a free conversation to kill time. And I give it to them, of course, because otherwise, they'll just forget about me. They'll stop pretending to care.

If I say anything about it, they deny they forgot about me, or they claim that I'm an attention whore, that I'm too needy, that I should focus on motivating myself and not rely so much on others' support for motivation and encouragement. And yeah, I know that's sort of true. I shouldn't have to rely on the company of other people to make my life worth living, to make my passions worth pursuing, because everybody disappears in the end. I need to break this desire for social interaction, for peer support, for encouragement from those I consider friends. I need to be enough for myself, I need to learn to be okay with loneliness and being alone... but it's so hard. It's difficult. It's painful.

I keep feeling like I've been left behind, and I can't help but feel like it's pointless to even try to catch up, or to even bother finding a new path, new friends or connections. Who would care, anyway? A few people might say or do something that's vaguely encouraging, but it doesn't really help. It just reminds me of how forgettable and insignificant I really am.

I feel like I shouldn't even post this, like I'm going to disappoint someone or hurt somebody's feelings and just make everything ten times worse, but I'm going to anyway. This needs to be said at least once, and if it ruins everything, well... Fuck it. What's the point in trying to save this, anyway?