So earlier this morning my phone alerted me that in two days (May 8th) its going to be the first death anniversary of my mom. I mean I kinda knew it was going to pop really soon in the future, and I still exactly can't get a grips she's gone, y'know? Previously I started off with pure she was gone. I even told my dad that I had to mentally think she's at the hospital again, since at that time she just left the hospital and got kicked out of the recent Physical Therapy. It's weird because I never exactly hate my mom, over the last few years I had a huge disagreement with a lot of her actions. Some of it wasn't exactly bad per say, but the idealism of her treating my dad wrongly and doing things behind the family's back was just kinda frustrating along with just a lot of things. I kinda have to say that I... over the few years and problem even now I feel broken, my mom had always kinda been sick so a lot of things had been emotionally bottled up in some form, along with being ignored.

I kinda wanted to write a journal about this because I feel like there's just a lot of things to get off my chest, mentally. For started I have to clarify I don't hate my mother. I loved her a lot, she had a lot of good qualities as a person, just was shrouded with complications just any other person. A lot of the issues kinda relay with me on the mistreatment of my father in a form. I never really wanted this kind of faction war that she brought up and when I grew up and realize how she even used me as a form of trying to get back on my father it was also kinda fucked up mentally. However with that, like I said there were some amazing qualities that she had, she was a caring person, but I feel like a lot of issues lean towards her being (not diagnosed) somewhat bipolar. She had a lot of trust issues and I always personally pointed her up as being brought up as a young naive farm girl from the country. She at her time of life had told me about how she grew up on a farm in the Philippines and spoiled by her father. It was something that you once look into you kinda understand she is a spoiled brat going as adult. Not to under play her in a negative way, because while some parts of that is bad, some parts were really fun. She when given the chance loved watching anime, playing video games. She was huge animal crossing fanatic, I mean once she got into the game cube version of animal crossing, that console was gone and later on even the wii version of animal crossing, I never saw my wii again. It kinda pains me to play and run around the New animal crossing game now, just because I feel like she would of really loved the game.
( Takes a break crying )

Honestly, I feel kinda lost in feelings with all this. I try to not wrap my mind around my mother's saga, but it's been so long into it, it feels unavoidable in talking about it. I mean directly I feel sadden to learn about how things were going until it was too late. I mean I was there through a lot of it, 2016, being the worst year of it. That was at the time being when she came back from her trip from visiting her family in the Philippines. There was a lot of major outlying problems at that time, where everything went radio silent and trying to get a hold of my mother, but being redirected and called from cousins on my aunt side who don't even know what's going on themselves, only to find out my mom's diabetes made things worse and she had what at the time, my family doctor called a "parasitic infection" on her leg. There was a whole mess of just story there, watching how out of it she was and how she held off not telling us the situation. It's no surprise, because she tries to avoid a lot of the issues and act headstrong most of the time. I don't know I still have the image of her just out of it on the wheel chair. This all happened at night by the way, and on the following day we visit the family doctor we ended going to the emergency only to be told that she's gonna lose her leg and a few toes. It was a long year and having to watch and deal with all that was just emotional trama. I was there to hear the news, and tell me sister who at the time was at school all this.

Through that whole process it was a true strain on me mentally as I ended up being somewhat forced in the hospital everyday, it just kinda went down from there. Doctor's kept cutting off her toes and it was feeling no end. They had no idea what could be causing her to have heart problems, even through the pain pills she was taking was causing her to bloat up physically and they never really gave her anything to fix that. I think the only reason she kinda stopped having that heart problem was cause my dad gave her something to relieve that bloat in her stomach. Even through all that, she manage to get better, I wish during that time we didn't lose our dog (my mothers dog) hunter, but I guess there was no end to the pain.

When she finally got home, we had to deal with a lot of e-vac and nurses cleaning her wounds. Personally in the end I remember my dad being really good with changing and fixing her wound. It was just a whole weird process to go through on that. I still remember helping on all that with my dad, changing the bandages and going on with him to take my mom to the doctor and all that. Years kinda stabilized through all that, ups and downs as my mom resisted being taken care of in a healthier way, going through a mentality of "You gotta live life to the fullest". Which I guess isn't bad if you weren't a hard diabetic, with heart problems and kidney problems. She later had gout issues on her hand, and I remember how much in pain she had with that. Honestly it was just painful watching her deal with this as her child. I admired my mom, even throughout her faults she was a loving and caring mother. Just not a loving caring wife.

2018-2019 faults
Around this year things kinda went bad for me mentally, I had a messy breakup and walked around from a lot of people. It didn't even matter, half those people kinda walked away from me. This all happened around the end of 2018 and on the start of the new year it was just the start of an exile. Needless to say it didn't turn out well after my father's birthday in march. I didn't even know it would be my final birthday with my mom that year too back in February. At that time I look back in regret as I was so full of anger and rage against my mother, I blamed her for a lot of my mental problems and the reason why I was suffering mentally causing the strain of the previous relationship towards my friends and ex. I realize now that, through all that... it was just plain stupid. All I can say was that she wasn't looking so well in her final years and when we had to rush her into the emergency because of issues with her blood. I through we would be going through another 2016 issue. A year of spending day after day in the hospital, and being called to do minor tasks on the fly. Needless to say I think everyone was pretty tired at this point, but I was also just so blinded to realize things. I'm just filled with true regret, allowing myself to be consumed by a rage that seem so... misdirected. My time at the hospital through wasn't quite so well, my mom caused quite a drama spree to happen, one day she was getting kicked out, but it was all a misunderstanding. It was a mess. I think through out the whole situation my mother went through a lot of medical procedures. This includes kidney issues, heart problems and the lost of her other leg. Gosh the other leg problem was such a conflict. My mother and me butted heads at the time, and she refused to remove her leg because of "me" it was just bs and she tried to get under my skin. I think what really frustrated me about the whole situation was my sister, the pride and joy of my other would rarely visit her while I personally had to just go every day in hopes to give my father mental support. Frustration, at the least.

( Bear with me on this part, it's early in the morning and my dad just woke up)
So I don't know when what happened, but after some surgery my mother had problems moving and after her second leg removal she was sent to physical therapy, where she had major issues in moving. Like she could move, but mentally she wasn't able it atleast. We chalked it up as her being lazy and wanting attention or something, but either way she was leg go from the physical therapy and we were left into taking care of her. We were assigned to take her to dialysis due to her failed kidneys (I didn't really know at the time her kidneys failed or how bad things really were. I knew she was suffering a lot, but I let my anger blind me with her. When I look back on the whole thing... I just. Well it was mentally rough just thinking about how out of it she was at times. During the short time she was at the house because of the lack of movement we had to flip her, turning her through the night. She was forced to sleep on the couch since at the time it would of been rough for us to move her in and out from the bedroom to the car for her dialysis which at the time was on Monday, Wednesday and Friday? (my memory is failing me, please forgive) It was a mess, at the time we were working towards getting her, her own personal dialysis machine and probably a new couch for better resting. There was also work for trying to get her a few other stuff to make things easy. However that never happened due to her passing.

On the day of her passing she just came back from dialysis and it felt like it would be a normal day. y'know? I tucked her in for her nap and I remember looking at her before just moving on for that day, waiting for the night to happen, where we would have to flip her every 30 minutes through the whole night. Well when my dad woke up around 7pm, my mom was breathing at the time... I... it was a whole mess that I honestly don't really want to relive on again. Sorry.

Sorry for this lengthy journal, but I wanted to get somethings off my chest.