Soooooo, I’m pretty sure those in the furry community have seen Joker (2019 Film) since last year. Maybe, maybe not. Well, for me...I’ve watched it. Not last year, but this year. It was free to watch on Cox’s Contour TV. In fact, I’ve watched it a few times around at night. To be honest...I actually quite liked it. Of course, my mom came in yesterday and saw me watching that film and she was wondering why. I told my mom and said that I liked it. It’s not really a bad film. Although, my mom said it was kinda “gruesome”. However, she’d let me be. But you know, I told my mom yesterday about how the Joker...well...the Joker seems to be like me for an odd reason. Guess it’s because I feel like...like I’m trash...nothing...invisible...abandoned. Believe me, it's been like that BEFORE I even joined the furry fandom. When I told my mom that, she told me that this is why I shouldn’t be watching such shows or movies like these. The reason my mother said that is because, well...of course, she knows me. I am her son, after all. But, like, my mom knows that I’m not really crazy and I don’t have this disease like the Joker or anything else. Not to mention, how I “shouldn’t compare myself to others.” She told me that Joker had this “schizophrenia”, and I’m like, “oh, is that the disease where he had that uncontrollable laugh?” Unfortunately, that wasn’t it. It’s a disease where people feel like they’re “delusional”, “in another world”, “feeling against the world”. That sort of thing. I mean, it would make a lot of sense because how Joker thinks Murray is an awful person, but Murray is actually being funny. That’s his thing. So, I guess Joker must’ve mistaken it feeling he’s being ridiculed.

I know my mom can be somewhat of a...bitch...whenever she always randomly fusses at me, cusses at me, and such. Although, it is kinda nice of her seeing she’s looking out for me. In fact, when she saw me depressed through her mirror, she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong, just something in my head. As a matter of fact, this has happened to me every day and it’s been a problem to me and those who do care about me. Whenever my mom, my friends, or anyone else asks me “what’s wrong”, “how am I doing”, or “is something the matter”, I just act and pretend like everything is fine. Heck, I’m just like Steven Universe - how he’s all “it’s fine, it’s fine. Everything is fine.” But...I know that there are times where I know that I’m not really fine. Ever since I graduated from the culinary school since 2018, I suddenly look back at my past and remember the things I went through. Sure, there were some good ones, however, I’ve been looking at bad ones mostly. And I keep looking at ‘em like they were haunting me. Not only that but as I move forward and look towards what the future may hold, I’ve been predicting...A LOT! Predicting something whether it’s good or bad. I even sometimes get paranoid when it comes to having second thoughts.

I know how my mom is telling me to “stay strong”. Even my grandmother would want that, too. Although, I have to admit...I’m not really a strong person no matter how hard I try to be. I mean, just...my mom knows I’m on Twitter, but...she doesn’t know what’s been going on with me. I’m sure she’s aware of what’s going on in this world right now, but I don’t think she knows what I’ve been doing. I mean, behind her back, she doesn’t know that I’m chatting with you furries. She doesn’t know that I took part in donating and signing a petition. I dunno what she might say if she found out that I’m socializing with furries and trying to make a difference. Of course, I did ask my mom the other day how she would feel if I told her a friend and I are into furries. And my mom is like, “Is that a bad thing?” Heh. Guess she doesn’t find furries bad, I guess. Either way...I dunno. I’ve met and made new friends online. I haven’t been to a furcon in my whole life. I don’t even know what it's like.

Okay, so...some of you are probably looking at this journal and are like, “I’m confused. What is all of this about?” Well, to put it this way...I’m scared. Does that make any sense? I’m scared, anxious, stressed, and paranoid. My mom doesn’t know that, my friends don't know that, I don’t think anyone else does. Like what my mom said, “stay strong”. I promise to be strong just like my grandmother would want me to. However, because of what’s going on in our world today...I just don’t have the strength. I know people on Twitter are saying to take a break from the Internet for your mental health, and now I can see why. I felt like I’ve been ignoring this from others who care about someone’s health, and going out my way retweeting this, retweeting that. I’ve donated once, donated twice...signed the first time, signed the second, and signed the third...I feel like I’m not putting much effort. Remember I said I’m always predicting and having second thoughts? Yep, this is what I’m talking about. I’ve been having these feelings in my stomach and in my head that I might be looked the wrong way. I feel like if I take a break from the Internet, I might have disappointed or failed some people even though I may not know them. I just feel so...angst. To be honest, I worry a lot. I worry about MYSELF. I know I’m always going out my way being thoughtful, generous, selfless, and trying to help out. However, I sometimes get the feeling that I might not be...good enough to those around me. People say I’m strong, but I honestly look weak...people say I’m nice and friendly, but I honestly sometimes think I’m a bad person...sometimes...I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean, I try to stay positive, try to look on the bright side, but because of what’s been happening this year...I just don’t know how to feel. Been at home all day, checking in with my manager and other coworkers, been drawing, been helping my mom with my nephew and niece. *sigh* I dunno, maybe I SHOULD take a break from the Internet because I guess Stevonnie from Steven Universe is right - it IS overwhelming! *sigh* I just hope there's a miracle to all of this. My apologies for being...somewhat dramatic...or overexaggerating. However, that's just me sometimes.