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What's the point (vent/rant)
5 years ago
Note: Noone in this journal will be mentioned by name. I'm respecting their privacy and keeping them anonymous. If they read the journal, they will likely know who they are (:
Some of you may have already caught on to it by my very very not happy description of myself on my profile page, and honestly, fine, that's what it's there for, to give a headsup about how I am possibly the most horrible individual to exist at this current moment, and do I know why? No.
I can only guess, and my most educated guess is that people hate me because I'm not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. I see things in an extremely high black/white contrast, things are either good, or they're bad, that's it. There's nothing in between, there's no grey area and I don't think there ever where. The issue is, I am broken, and I think I might be broken beyond repair, and that's why people hate me.
They don't like that I'm broken, but instead of sticking through, most people leave, or ignore me, or just.. Generally hates me or don't give a shit. THis doesn't mean that all people are like that, I have few friends that stick around and reach out to me and at least tries to make sure I'm at least content or happy. I enjoy talking with these people, and I appreciate everything they do and have already done for me. Words can't describe it.
Yet, here I am, still wondering, and contemplating, what is the point? As of currently, I see no point with my existence at all, and I know there's a few people out there, who'd rather see me die, than get better. And honestly? Sometimes, I believe that might be the best. I mean, if I died, or disappeared, I wouldn't be around and then people could stop hating me so so so much. UNFORTUNATELY, the majority of my life, has been overflowed with people that hated me, and been in severe lack and need of good people to help raise me up.
I have ALWAYS been mocked, bullied, scolded, told I'm weird, told I'm stupid, told I'm dumb, told that I should just FUCK OFF, told that I should just shut up, and whatelse. I've always been made fun off, I've had my personal belongings stolen, broken, hidden and what not. HECK, someone even threw a slice of fucking pizza on my door one time. And why? I have no idea. All I've ever wanted, is to have friends, and to have fun, and to be able to enjoy life, but I CAN'T.
I was taught, at a very early age, that I am NOT ALLOWED to have fun, I am NOT ALLOWED to feel well, and these last few months, those thoughts have been reinforced in the way some people decided to treat me, due to their hate to me and my broken mentality. And sure, treating me like a leftover gutted fish that you can no longer gain anything from, I mean, I guess that's fair. I deserve to be treated like that, don't I? Why else would people treat me like that.
YES. I'm negative. And I'm negative because it's what I know, it's what I was taught, it's engraved in my mind. Am i negative just to annoy people? NO, I literally do not intend to annoy people, but whatever I do, and whenever I do something, it always comes off bad. As me being "angry" or as me "Lashing out" or as me "bashing" people for what they're telling me or trying to tell me, but I swear to whatever fucking bastard monster that runs this useless piece of crap universe, that that's NOT MY FUCKING INTENTION, and people need to STOP TREATING ME LIKE THEY THINK I HAVE ONLY THE GOAL OF PISSING PEOPLE OFF AND MAKING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. that is NOT my goal, that is NOT my intention, and it both angers and saddens me that people think that.
YOU try living with a mind that makes you scared all the time, that makes you anxious all the time, that makes you distrustful, that makes you lethargic and exhausted. YOu try to live with that and then YOU try to pair it with your bad physical health. Your arm that'll hurt SO MUCH you can't hold onto a fucking pencil, your leg that hurts SO MUCH you need to limp because you can't put enough weight on it to walk normally, your INGROWN NAIL that you can't get fixed because it's too expensive and you're broke, and because no one's gonna put you under for a fucking nail. YOU DEAL WITH ALL THE SHIT AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, EVERY DAY and with that ON TOP of knowing how many people hates you and keeps talking smack about you privately to their friends and acquintances and WHAT THE FUCK ELSE. Yeah, yeah, I know, some people will tell me" just push through with those issues"
My dudes, Im trying, but I am so tired and I see so little meaning with anything anymore, those tasks becomes overwhelming and seemingly impossible. My rational mind knows what to do but the depression kills it and the anxiety makes everything look like it's a catastrophe and makes it feel like the entire world is gonna fail if I don't do what I need to, but I am too damn lethargic and tired of everything mentally that I just can't do it.
I probably have a bunch of other health defects, and some will tell me "well, go see a doctor" well duh, what a thought. And yes, I have tried that, but it just so happens that no damn doctor cares about me or my health. They're a group of incompetent idiots. BUT HEY, whatever, right? In the end......
...... I deserve to suffer.
Some of you may have already caught on to it by my very very not happy description of myself on my profile page, and honestly, fine, that's what it's there for, to give a headsup about how I am possibly the most horrible individual to exist at this current moment, and do I know why? No.
I can only guess, and my most educated guess is that people hate me because I'm not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. I see things in an extremely high black/white contrast, things are either good, or they're bad, that's it. There's nothing in between, there's no grey area and I don't think there ever where. The issue is, I am broken, and I think I might be broken beyond repair, and that's why people hate me.
They don't like that I'm broken, but instead of sticking through, most people leave, or ignore me, or just.. Generally hates me or don't give a shit. THis doesn't mean that all people are like that, I have few friends that stick around and reach out to me and at least tries to make sure I'm at least content or happy. I enjoy talking with these people, and I appreciate everything they do and have already done for me. Words can't describe it.
Yet, here I am, still wondering, and contemplating, what is the point? As of currently, I see no point with my existence at all, and I know there's a few people out there, who'd rather see me die, than get better. And honestly? Sometimes, I believe that might be the best. I mean, if I died, or disappeared, I wouldn't be around and then people could stop hating me so so so much. UNFORTUNATELY, the majority of my life, has been overflowed with people that hated me, and been in severe lack and need of good people to help raise me up.
I have ALWAYS been mocked, bullied, scolded, told I'm weird, told I'm stupid, told I'm dumb, told that I should just FUCK OFF, told that I should just shut up, and whatelse. I've always been made fun off, I've had my personal belongings stolen, broken, hidden and what not. HECK, someone even threw a slice of fucking pizza on my door one time. And why? I have no idea. All I've ever wanted, is to have friends, and to have fun, and to be able to enjoy life, but I CAN'T.
I was taught, at a very early age, that I am NOT ALLOWED to have fun, I am NOT ALLOWED to feel well, and these last few months, those thoughts have been reinforced in the way some people decided to treat me, due to their hate to me and my broken mentality. And sure, treating me like a leftover gutted fish that you can no longer gain anything from, I mean, I guess that's fair. I deserve to be treated like that, don't I? Why else would people treat me like that.
YES. I'm negative. And I'm negative because it's what I know, it's what I was taught, it's engraved in my mind. Am i negative just to annoy people? NO, I literally do not intend to annoy people, but whatever I do, and whenever I do something, it always comes off bad. As me being "angry" or as me "Lashing out" or as me "bashing" people for what they're telling me or trying to tell me, but I swear to whatever fucking bastard monster that runs this useless piece of crap universe, that that's NOT MY FUCKING INTENTION, and people need to STOP TREATING ME LIKE THEY THINK I HAVE ONLY THE GOAL OF PISSING PEOPLE OFF AND MAKING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. that is NOT my goal, that is NOT my intention, and it both angers and saddens me that people think that.
YOU try living with a mind that makes you scared all the time, that makes you anxious all the time, that makes you distrustful, that makes you lethargic and exhausted. YOu try to live with that and then YOU try to pair it with your bad physical health. Your arm that'll hurt SO MUCH you can't hold onto a fucking pencil, your leg that hurts SO MUCH you need to limp because you can't put enough weight on it to walk normally, your INGROWN NAIL that you can't get fixed because it's too expensive and you're broke, and because no one's gonna put you under for a fucking nail. YOU DEAL WITH ALL THE SHIT AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, EVERY DAY and with that ON TOP of knowing how many people hates you and keeps talking smack about you privately to their friends and acquintances and WHAT THE FUCK ELSE. Yeah, yeah, I know, some people will tell me" just push through with those issues"
My dudes, Im trying, but I am so tired and I see so little meaning with anything anymore, those tasks becomes overwhelming and seemingly impossible. My rational mind knows what to do but the depression kills it and the anxiety makes everything look like it's a catastrophe and makes it feel like the entire world is gonna fail if I don't do what I need to, but I am too damn lethargic and tired of everything mentally that I just can't do it.
I probably have a bunch of other health defects, and some will tell me "well, go see a doctor" well duh, what a thought. And yes, I have tried that, but it just so happens that no damn doctor cares about me or my health. They're a group of incompetent idiots. BUT HEY, whatever, right? In the end......
...... I deserve to suffer.
I hope you're able to feel better at least a little bit soon, this is a dark place to be in and I'm really sorry you're struggling like this. It's not fair man. It really isnt.