Journal will be unrelated to commissions and what not, just want to post a sort-of-vent journal because dunno how else to get my thoughts out, I guess.

For a while now drawing hasn't been fun for various reasons. Depression, lack of confidence I guess. Lack of motivation. I spend most my time trying hard to "make it feel like it used too" with no luck or no success. Nothing I do or try works and it never feels like it does. You always hear and I'm always told 'things will get better, you will succeed eventually"

But I haven't. I haven't succeeding. People telling me I will has no effect on me anymore, because I HAVEN'T succeed with ANYTHING yet. I feel like I'm trying and trying and nothing is working.
Last month, once again, it was depression. I didn't feel motivated enough to draw. So I didn't for a few days. But I HAD been drawing and I had been sort of enjoying it. More so than after then. I drew and picture, and it came out great
but it wasn't fun. Drawing isn't fun anymore for me. I've been having lack of motivation since early last year even before my PC died and I lost several pets, and recently my grandad and being emotionally abused by my mother. But lately it's just been worse to the point I don't even want to draw anymore. I don't really feel ANYTHING anymore on any level. I WANT to draw. The IDEA of drawing is fun to me, but actually doing it makes me feel nothing but either stress or depression.

And lately, as of a while now it's definitely at an all time low. I'm tired and frustrated and I'm not winning with anything. I feel like I am stuck in a hole and there's no way out. And it's over extremely stupid thing which is making it worse.
What is it?

I moved my tablet. My wacom tablet. I moved it. I bumped it with my elbow when trying to move something and entirely moved from whatever position it was on my fucking desk.
Why is this an issue? Well if you're an artist with a tablet you'll understand, but if you're not I have a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY particular spot the fucking tablet goes. "Won't be able to fucking draw" very particular kind of spot.
This shit has happened in the past and has caused me so much issues I took a pair of scissors to my desk back in 2015 or 16 and cut a square into the wood so I would always know where the tablet went.

But that square hasn't fucking done ANYTHING. I haven't gotten the god damn tablet back where it is supposed to go.
That was a fucking month ago at this point I'm almost sure of.
I can't find where it went.
I have never had this much of an issue with it and it feels unfixable. I cannot remember where it went. Last time this happened it took three days and I figured out where it went by fiddling with it.

Well I did that. And I did that and I did that and I did that.
Every day and every night for a entire fucking month now and I have not found where that fucking tablet is supposed to go and I cannot remember and I'm about ready to quit fucking art permanently outside of commissions I have to finish because those are muscle memory and my comfort doesn't count on those. Every day and every night for a entire fucking month for HOURS at a time I do this. I try to draw, and I spent 90% of the time trying to figure out where the tablet is supposed to go.
But I don't know anymore and nothing is working.
I don't know why I can't figure out where the tablet goes. I can't fucking draw. I CAN draw but imagine trying to draw a image with your non-dominant hand upside down. it feels like that. Nothing I try works and I don't know what to do anymore.

What's the fucking options? there isn't. This is something small and something no one would really give a shit about but it really affects my drawing because drawing isn't fun anymore. I've went nights where I didn't fuck with the tablet but as I said, drawing isn't fun or comfortable because of i. Every day I wake up and I don't know why I bother to think "what will I draw tonight?" because I know I can't draw because I know what I'm gonna be doing when I GO to draw. Every second of attempting to draw is going to be me feeling how shit the tablet feels and how I haven't gotten it where it goes.
I don't know what I'm doing fucking wrong. I literally have had it all over the desk and its like it never existed here to begin with. I had gave myself wrist pain trying to find it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I'm tired of trying. I have literally tried everything and I'm all out of options. What the fuck is the point to draw if drawing feels like someone ran my wrist through a blender? there is none. There is no point drawing if it doesn't feel fun anymore.
There is no fucking point to any of it. Everyone I have discussed this with tells me it will get better
but it HASN'T gotten better. When WILL it get better? why HAVEN'T I found it yet? it makes no fucking sense if I covered every fucking square inch it could possibly go for it not to feel comfortable anymore.

This is a stupid thing and I'm left with frustration and anger at myself because 1: I'm letting this bother me and hindering my drawing a 2: depression and anger because I haven't fucking fixed it yet.
I miss drawing. I miss feeling like I have full control over my artwork and my tablet.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm trying to draw with my left hand instead of my right.

Nothing I have tried works and I'm tired of trying. I'm a failure on everything least not this currently.
This stops me from drawing and this effects my already nonexistant mental health. But what am I supposed to do? what is ANYONE supposed to fucking do? I can't find a genie and magic wish the fucking thing back into place. Part of me thinks its me mentally thinking there is something wrong with it but I don't there isn't. Drawing didn't feel shitty like this.

I'm tired and there is never any break from my issues on anything. There's never a fix for me and my stupid ass issues.
Talking about it does nothing. There are no options.
Time to quit drawing and become a lazy asshole again.
fuck life I'm tired of living.