I was an embodiment of anguish and unbridled bitterness. Such disdain I felt toward the general collective of human society was only rivaled by the hatred I had for myself; the spirit within me had such affinity for cynicism and self-loathing. As if it was a disease or ailment that tainted my soul to the very core, I spent my time consciously poisoning my physical body with drugs such as heroin as if it was a medication like chemo to cancer.. drugging myself helped me forget who I was and feel numb to reality. At the time, I felt it was the only possible way to make myself feel ,at least for a short time, somewhat pleasant. I thought it made me feel more human..
Thus was the irony of my pain. I was trying so hard to feel like a normal person, yet I abhorred the notion people in general. I was angry. I would lash out at everyone, especially the ones who cared the most about me. I did everything in my power to make them not care, to make their animosity for me outweigh their love. For what person should love such a scummy animal like me? What person with at least the slightest instinct of self preservation could attempt to pet a snarling, growling, teeth-brandishing rabid wolf? To this day, I have never understood the patience, fondness, adulation, and yearning devoutness of those who stuck around long enough to witness the transformation of my soul to the embodiment of spirit that posses me to this day.
This moment of transcendence came at a crossroad in my life; a time when I was reconciling my self-hatred and my life's purpose. Three years ago, I was sent to a rehabilitation program that used the natural magic of the wilderness to enlighten and acquaint the lost and damaged souls like mine with a fulfillment of meaning or direction. In the second month of three that I stayed in this program I was granted the opportunity to participate on a venture of spiritual self-guidance which historically has been a part of primitive traditions in cultures around the world, but most locally was known as a vision quest.
I spent three days and three nights alone and isolated in the desert of South-central Utah known as the San Rafael swell with no food and small ration of water. I was allowed to bring nothing but the clothes I wore, a blanket, and a primitive fire-starting kit I had made myself. On the second day of my journey I was visited by a resident of the wilderness. A bighorn sheep.. a young ram. I had not realized he had wondered into my encampment until I heard a grunt followed by several more curious snorts come from somewhere close. I looked up to find myself face to face with a rough yet somewhat charming creature of the high desert. He was not afraid of me, a trait I found unusual for wildlife around humanity in their own isolated habitat. He stood there for several minutes, looking me right in the eyes, peering, staring through the windows to my inner being, as I soon did the same. There was some odd sense of identity I felt.. more profound than that I had ever known with any other person or creature I had met before. It wasn't as though I was looking at a friend or family member... I felt as though I was looking at myself. Equally, It wasn't like looking in a mirror or reflection; it felt like I was I was peering into a totally separate manifestation of my spirit in the flesh.
It took me years to comprehend what exactly I witnessed out there in the desert, damn... I still can't fully comprehend that event to this day. But what I do know now, is that on that day I was granted the chance of revitalization through a second life. So here I am, this passage a glimpse of my second life. This is why I chose to represent myself as a ram; It's what exists under my real bare-primate body. And even though a part of the wolf is forever bonded to my blood and essence, I am the desert ram who sits upon the mountain watching the events of the world below.

Thank you to all who have read this passage. I am indebted to all of your patronage:)
-Pendalus Lanye