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Bad Times (bitching journal)
5 years ago
Okay so...
Let me begin at the very beginning.
My mother is a top tier narcacist. She cares for nobody but herself, and wants nothing but to be lavished with praise, to be treated special, and to only do fun and or comfortable things.
As yiu can imagine, being a needy infant made her dislike me from the start. Always needing food and water and attention! Ugh. So filthy and exhausting.
Soooooo...
January, she was diagnosed with blood plasma cancer. Everyone was devastated as you would expect. She started her chemo and things were looking good.
Then "the beer bug" hit and - she's been in quarentine since. Her immune system is trashed from the chemo - and so shes been isolated in home. (Daddy's been doung his best to care for her).
Three weeks ago she goes to the hospital. Turns out she got a nasty infection in her colon... Like a month ago. She didnt tell anyone cause she didn't want to leave thr house. But she was ambulanced over. As you can imagine, keeping an infection on the colon from *not* getting septic again amd again is difficult. And with her nonexistent immune system it has tore through her. It got to her spine and she (temporarily) lost the ability to walk.
Two weeks ago she was taken to a more vigil nursing home care facility - where she started to improve a little.
So, I went to visit her for the first time since this infection stuff started - and she burned ger last bridge. She tore into me... She made ne feel 3 inches tall and 400lbs again. It was one of the very worst days of my life. I had to call the suicide prevebtion hotline and my old anti-self-harm doc to keep me here.
I am no longer conflicted on how i feel about her. The feelings are now mutual : I don't care abput you.
That was Tuesday. Wednesday she sends me a text "yesterday was fun! Can you come bsck today?"
I politely declined the bitch.
So, fast firwsrd to Yesterday - Sunday - and Daddy tells me that the doctors now give her 90 days. (Or so)
Now, if she starts to exersize and do what shes told (you know, unfun stuff) she can veat back this infection - and live.
Or she can contiue to over-eat, be a bitch, do only what she wants, and ignore the mran old doctors that tell her to do things ... And die "happy"
And here i am, feeling a little bad about saying "hurry up and die already"
I know I shouldn't say things like this ... But...
Let me begin at the very beginning.
My mother is a top tier narcacist. She cares for nobody but herself, and wants nothing but to be lavished with praise, to be treated special, and to only do fun and or comfortable things.
As yiu can imagine, being a needy infant made her dislike me from the start. Always needing food and water and attention! Ugh. So filthy and exhausting.
Soooooo...
January, she was diagnosed with blood plasma cancer. Everyone was devastated as you would expect. She started her chemo and things were looking good.
Then "the beer bug" hit and - she's been in quarentine since. Her immune system is trashed from the chemo - and so shes been isolated in home. (Daddy's been doung his best to care for her).
Three weeks ago she goes to the hospital. Turns out she got a nasty infection in her colon... Like a month ago. She didnt tell anyone cause she didn't want to leave thr house. But she was ambulanced over. As you can imagine, keeping an infection on the colon from *not* getting septic again amd again is difficult. And with her nonexistent immune system it has tore through her. It got to her spine and she (temporarily) lost the ability to walk.
Two weeks ago she was taken to a more vigil nursing home care facility - where she started to improve a little.
So, I went to visit her for the first time since this infection stuff started - and she burned ger last bridge. She tore into me... She made ne feel 3 inches tall and 400lbs again. It was one of the very worst days of my life. I had to call the suicide prevebtion hotline and my old anti-self-harm doc to keep me here.
I am no longer conflicted on how i feel about her. The feelings are now mutual : I don't care abput you.
That was Tuesday. Wednesday she sends me a text "yesterday was fun! Can you come bsck today?"
I politely declined the bitch.
So, fast firwsrd to Yesterday - Sunday - and Daddy tells me that the doctors now give her 90 days. (Or so)
Now, if she starts to exersize and do what shes told (you know, unfun stuff) she can veat back this infection - and live.
Or she can contiue to over-eat, be a bitch, do only what she wants, and ignore the mran old doctors that tell her to do things ... And die "happy"
And here i am, feeling a little bad about saying "hurry up and die already"
I know I shouldn't say things like this ... But...
Here for you, Contessa.
Now...I would never WISH for her to die. Ever. It's complex...if she were a stranger I really would not care at all. But simply because she IS my mother I still love her. As little as you can and it still be considered to be love. As in I dont want her to die. If I was rich I'd out her in a nice facility and maybe see her once a year and wash my hands of her with no regrets.
Point is...when someone has hurt you SO much you have every right to feel the way that you do. I consider you one of my best friends and I truly love and care about you. If you ever need me I'm here.
Hang in there and don't feel guilty about your feelings. They're justified given what's been going on and, as an adult, it is perfectly acceptable to re-evaluate your relationship with your mother.
Take care of yourself first. Honestly, if that means severing from your mother, then, eh. Your choice, but if I ever find myself having to make that decision with my mother...it'll be a damn easy one to make.
Thank you so much for these kind words. I've taken a week to try to collect myself and my thoughts. And, thank you. Sometimes the idea of self-care seems selfish. Your words have helped me, thank you.
When COVID hit, I became the primary errands boy going out to get the groceries and mail and little else. I stayed in my bedroom for the most part, staying out of the way unless muscle was needed to help him to the table or his bedroom from the bed we set up in the living room. I didn't want any part of things happening. This kept mom also safe from the bug because I was the one being exposed then hiding away in the back after washing up after a trip.
Right up to the end he wanted to get up and move about, even though his lower body strength was failing him. And we had to call out the ambulance people 2-3 times to get him set back up in bed, the big goof. But he operated the household with a firm hand and it drove us nuts.
But when he peacefully passed on that Monday in the afternoon, I felt nothing but numbness and emptiness. Not cheering at all, even tho some bits of mind were singing a certain song from the Wizard of Oz. I'm still coming to grips 4 weeks later.
Hospice may help you and your family in the twilight of her life in both the reality and post-death processes, especially the paperwork. The insurance should pay for their efforts, especially if they are a non-profit.
My heart and courage goes with you and your family hon. It's going to be a rough time until the passing, and then it'll be rougher on your emotions. Hospice will have some reading material on how to handle this phase of life, i would strongly recommend reading them, or at least skimming through them. Be there for the others, they may be depending on you for a few things in the time to come.
NH
Thank you again for your support, and advice. Its been helping a lot. Its good to know that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people further along in the journey.
You're a good friend. And your words have helped me quite a bit.
You're a good friend.
I am disgusted to hear this person is your mother, I hope your feeling better about yourself now.
In any case, hang in there. Text me on Hangouts anytime, love.
Your words have helped me feel better over this last week.
Things are getting better, internally, for me as all this slips into 'normal'