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Snowcats I guess?
5 years ago
Warning: late night depression rant.
(disclaimer: this is in no way an attempt to undermine the real suffering going on during this awful year. And it adds on that my problems are so trivial compared to all the real suffering going on. So i'm so sorry if you're struggling too. This just hurts a whole lot tonight)
(disclaimer #2, if you think this journal is about you specifically, it's not. It's just how I feel as a whole)
I know it's bad to want things in return for trying to do the right thing or trying to do right by others, but I'd just really really like to stop being so sad all the time. I don't ask to be overtly happy. I just want things to stop getting worse for everyone and for a neutral outcome that doesn't involve me going to bed close to tears so often. Im not asking for a reward... I just don't want life to feel like a punishment for a while.
I just feel so lonely lately. I just feel alone to the point that it actually physically hurts; and sometimes, I'm greedy and want a mate or something like that, but most of the time I just want someone to pet my head and tell me Im not as worthless as I feel all the time. Sometimes I just need a real hug you know?
But everyone who even cares about me a little is just... In my phone. Hundreds, or even thousands of miles away, played by people who ill never get to meet. Never get to see and hang out with and connect with in more than just text. I'll never get to fall for them, and they sure won't fall for me. Or sometimes it's people I feel so deeply for, who keep me at arms length, or they have people they love already. And that's NEVER something I want to interfere with. I'm not interested in unrequited love, I have a lot of experience with it and it just ends in another heartbreak.
And in rl at the absolute most I might find a person with just a passing interest in me before I never see them again. No reason, no word, no warning. Just gone as if it never happened. Wondering what I could possibly have done better. It's hard to learn and grow when these things are years apart and only last a few non-contiguous days.
And that was before the pandemic. Now it's... Just nothing. Silence and frustration and the rut of the work/sleep cycle and nothing at all to look forward to but more depressed nights ranting on a furry porn website.
I hate it I don't want to be like this. I take my meds like a good boy and work hard and I'm just so tired of being sad. it's exhausting and no fun but it just forces its way into my head and I just wanna be able to sleep without this ache. Reaching for someone that isn't there. That will never be there. Someone that I've been told for 20 years now "will come someday"
Well I'll wait for you some other night.
Dressed in Himalayan white...
I'm sorry if this bummed you out. I'll likely be better tomorrow.
But I'd be surprised if it even got read.
(disclaimer: this is in no way an attempt to undermine the real suffering going on during this awful year. And it adds on that my problems are so trivial compared to all the real suffering going on. So i'm so sorry if you're struggling too. This just hurts a whole lot tonight)
(disclaimer #2, if you think this journal is about you specifically, it's not. It's just how I feel as a whole)
I know it's bad to want things in return for trying to do the right thing or trying to do right by others, but I'd just really really like to stop being so sad all the time. I don't ask to be overtly happy. I just want things to stop getting worse for everyone and for a neutral outcome that doesn't involve me going to bed close to tears so often. Im not asking for a reward... I just don't want life to feel like a punishment for a while.
I just feel so lonely lately. I just feel alone to the point that it actually physically hurts; and sometimes, I'm greedy and want a mate or something like that, but most of the time I just want someone to pet my head and tell me Im not as worthless as I feel all the time. Sometimes I just need a real hug you know?
But everyone who even cares about me a little is just... In my phone. Hundreds, or even thousands of miles away, played by people who ill never get to meet. Never get to see and hang out with and connect with in more than just text. I'll never get to fall for them, and they sure won't fall for me. Or sometimes it's people I feel so deeply for, who keep me at arms length, or they have people they love already. And that's NEVER something I want to interfere with. I'm not interested in unrequited love, I have a lot of experience with it and it just ends in another heartbreak.
And in rl at the absolute most I might find a person with just a passing interest in me before I never see them again. No reason, no word, no warning. Just gone as if it never happened. Wondering what I could possibly have done better. It's hard to learn and grow when these things are years apart and only last a few non-contiguous days.
And that was before the pandemic. Now it's... Just nothing. Silence and frustration and the rut of the work/sleep cycle and nothing at all to look forward to but more depressed nights ranting on a furry porn website.
I hate it I don't want to be like this. I take my meds like a good boy and work hard and I'm just so tired of being sad. it's exhausting and no fun but it just forces its way into my head and I just wanna be able to sleep without this ache. Reaching for someone that isn't there. That will never be there. Someone that I've been told for 20 years now "will come someday"
Well I'll wait for you some other night.
Dressed in Himalayan white...
I'm sorry if this bummed you out. I'll likely be better tomorrow.
But I'd be surprised if it even got read.
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