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Mental health update
5 years ago
General
These have been some pretty heavy days for me. I make progress, then I get pushed three steps back.
These days have been spent working with my creator to discover who I am. Who I am really... Not the little boy who survived trauma but as the person I should have been.
My mate has moved out, the circumstances are very sad. She has ghosted me. At first I felt free, then I felt angry, and now I realize in spite of her flaws I really do love her. I now see her as a good woman. She was given tons of bad advice and she went with it, and I see how my survival mechanisms turned me toxic and prevented me from being able to give her the deep spiritual affection that her heart wanted from me.
In the end she said she would keep trying to make it work with me and I told her honestly that I would always care about her. The other day, funny enough this happens AFTER she left, I was absolutely overcome and saturated with a deep, deep love and passion and tender affection and desire for her... The very thing she needed from the beginning... A deep, warm tender love and desire to shelter, protect, nurture, keep safe, and love her. This is probably the first time I've felt something like this for a woman.
I sent her an email from one of my addresses I hadn't used before to tell her how deeply sorry I am for how I treated her (denying affection, however I did not know I was doing it, still, she deserved better) telling her please to not ghost me any more, see if I could help her in any way, and to offer her a non romantic relationship. It would honestly be just about all I need in life to be able to watch a movie with her and hold her in my arms again, I would give almost anything to hold her and touch bellies one more time. I wanted to hug her so badly the last two times she was in my house. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, I didn't know how she would react, but now I realize I should have. My god how I fucked up.
In the end she said we would be better off "best friends" and honestly that sounds like a wonderful idea. I would grow my beard back and stop the hookup game I thought I wanted, (it hasn't happened, she was my last intimate partner) and be there for her. If she desires intimacy I would give it to her on her terms and I would be more than fine with that. I kept it platonic in the end because I knew she wasn't comfortable with it, so hopefully she knows she would be safe with me.
About my own mental health I am seeing the world differently, society, people, relationships. I have actually never been this emotionally stable and well adjusted, even though life is pretty damn hard in all directions.
I am eternally grateful for the affection and love my dogs have shown me. They miss the kids terribly and sleep where their beds used to be.
About going to Africa to help with the violence and trafficking there, my "in" wasn't as much of an in as I thought and I probably might not be going there. People tell me I'm needed here in the states anyway. We'll see.
My business is struggling as usual, I'm fighting an endless battle of trying to keep my trucks going.
I have discovered a love of cooking. It started with a collection of seasoning and spices, it has turned into something wonderful that gives my life some added meaning.
I am also trying to understand and remove the behaviors and thinking that are fucking up my business and my life, because I want to be successful. So don't be worried about me, if you want to send prayers or good vibes my way I would appreciate it.
These days have been spent working with my creator to discover who I am. Who I am really... Not the little boy who survived trauma but as the person I should have been.
My mate has moved out, the circumstances are very sad. She has ghosted me. At first I felt free, then I felt angry, and now I realize in spite of her flaws I really do love her. I now see her as a good woman. She was given tons of bad advice and she went with it, and I see how my survival mechanisms turned me toxic and prevented me from being able to give her the deep spiritual affection that her heart wanted from me.
In the end she said she would keep trying to make it work with me and I told her honestly that I would always care about her. The other day, funny enough this happens AFTER she left, I was absolutely overcome and saturated with a deep, deep love and passion and tender affection and desire for her... The very thing she needed from the beginning... A deep, warm tender love and desire to shelter, protect, nurture, keep safe, and love her. This is probably the first time I've felt something like this for a woman.
I sent her an email from one of my addresses I hadn't used before to tell her how deeply sorry I am for how I treated her (denying affection, however I did not know I was doing it, still, she deserved better) telling her please to not ghost me any more, see if I could help her in any way, and to offer her a non romantic relationship. It would honestly be just about all I need in life to be able to watch a movie with her and hold her in my arms again, I would give almost anything to hold her and touch bellies one more time. I wanted to hug her so badly the last two times she was in my house. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, I didn't know how she would react, but now I realize I should have. My god how I fucked up.
In the end she said we would be better off "best friends" and honestly that sounds like a wonderful idea. I would grow my beard back and stop the hookup game I thought I wanted, (it hasn't happened, she was my last intimate partner) and be there for her. If she desires intimacy I would give it to her on her terms and I would be more than fine with that. I kept it platonic in the end because I knew she wasn't comfortable with it, so hopefully she knows she would be safe with me.
About my own mental health I am seeing the world differently, society, people, relationships. I have actually never been this emotionally stable and well adjusted, even though life is pretty damn hard in all directions.
I am eternally grateful for the affection and love my dogs have shown me. They miss the kids terribly and sleep where their beds used to be.
About going to Africa to help with the violence and trafficking there, my "in" wasn't as much of an in as I thought and I probably might not be going there. People tell me I'm needed here in the states anyway. We'll see.
My business is struggling as usual, I'm fighting an endless battle of trying to keep my trucks going.
I have discovered a love of cooking. It started with a collection of seasoning and spices, it has turned into something wonderful that gives my life some added meaning.
I am also trying to understand and remove the behaviors and thinking that are fucking up my business and my life, because I want to be successful. So don't be worried about me, if you want to send prayers or good vibes my way I would appreciate it.
- Xi Yao
The hard times make the good time sweeter. So keep at it my friend, you will make it.
I hope things will be fine. as for the girl, I hope she learns to perceive you with all your uniqueness. in this regard, this is the most important thing.