Today on Cracked.com the first article I saw was on why the Roman Emperor Elagabalus was transgender, was shamed for being transgender, and why the appropriate pronoun was "They/Them". After reading it, I wanted to weep. Because they called Elagabalus a Trans icon. Much like when you think of icons for gay males, your mind goes to John Wayne Gacey.

Elagabalus was the third Emperor of the Severan dynasty of Rome. The Severans were a complete mess, with only one of them not being assassinated. Elagabalus was, to his credit, a better Emperor than the previous Emperor of the dynasty, Caracalla. I say previous of the dynasty, because their was a non-dynastic emperor between the two, who doesn't matter. Elagabalus was better in the sense that he never burned a town down because a playwrite made fun of him. Instead he was completely useless.

I mean it. He was useless. Elagabalus loved handing high offices to male lovers because he didn't want to run the empire. He forced a Vestal Virgin to marry him because he wanted her to bear his divine children. Incidentally, if a Vestal Virgin ever had sex, they were supposed to be put to death. Elagabalus did not care. He was obsessed with his role as the high priest of the Syrian phallic sun god Elagabul and forced the Senate to watch him dance in ritual, instead of running the damn Empire.

If rumors are to be believed, Elagabalus once kicked all of the prostitutes out of a brothel and decided to play hooker himself. He kicked out lovers and wives with a speed that must be seen to be believed, during his four years as Emperor he divorced five wives, including the Vestal Virgin wife. He had anyone who criticized him put to death.

And according to Cracked, we should view him as a trans icon because historian Cassius Dio hated him and claimed he tried to have sexual reassignment surgery. Three things on this. 1. As I've laid out, Elagabalus was a power mad loon who raped men and women, had critics put to death and though I didn't mention it, was only in power because his grandmother wanted to use him as a puppet. 2. Three historians who wrote about him all hated him, Cassius Dio was the only one who claimed he tried to become a woman through surgery.

Most damning of all though is point three. Cracked argues Elagabalus' behavior was exaggerated, he was actually a good guy and transgender. Except...the claim he was wanted sexual reassignment surgery comes from those same historians who "exaggerated". So if they lied about his bad behavior, you can't trust that he actually DID want that surgery. Only one historian claimed it as I mentioned, Cassius Dio.

If you do want to believe it, you have to also accept Elagabalus was a monster who is no more of a trans icon than Aileen Wurnose was for lesbians. I bring all of this up because of the sad indictment it is of what we're doing with history. We try to apply our value systems to a people who would have been confused beyond words by us. In Ancient Rome their was no such thing as gay, straight, bi or trans. Their was cumming and not cumming.

Beyond that, why do LGBT people need to look towards history for "icons". They won't find them, no historical figure exists without baggage of some kind. You have to acknowledge the problematic parts of history. If not you're building a straw man, just one made up of what you consider positives.

I hope no one would consider Elagabalus an icon. I certainly hope they won't defend him. If you want to find the article, be my guest. Me personally, I'm going to go scream into a pillow.