I made a version of this on DeviantART but I figured I should post one here as well. Not entirely sure why, I guess if people want to know about commissions or whatever.... they aren't on hold or stopped, don't worry. I truck through shit.

Thought I'd post a journal because I dunno if more people read them... or something, than status updates. That and I guess it feels more formal since I haven't been posting much and I dunno if I will

if anybody hasn't noticed I haven't been on much lately, or really doing anything.
I've got the big depression, lads. I haven't been doing anything but logging on to my computer, maybe talking to my home-skillet bestfriend and then logging off and going to sleep.

I literally don't feel like doing A N Y T H I N G let alone fucking drawing. I barely have the motivation to type this fucking journal.

And I think it goes without saying, if you're into this this won't make sense to you
But god damn Drawing cartoon dogs having sex. every. single. night. is one of the most fucking soul sucking things I've ever set through doing. I know I'm on a furry porn website, no ones is making me stay here. Yadda yadda.
I swear I'm completely desensitized to fucking porn or something at this point.Just turning off your brain every night to sit through drawing cartoon dog vaginas and dicks gets to you, if you're not into this shit. the only joy I get outta this shit is the money and knowing the commissioner is happy. fuck whatever friend told me to get into furry porn for cash years ago. The only thing I can imagine this is like is being the art equivalent of a whore and not enjoying it.

I felt like typing how I feel would somehow make me feel better but I got into a cycle of "I don't feel like it right now" so then I just don't do it. So I imagine this journal is just gonna be shit because rather than making sure I type it in some kinda sarcastic, assholish 'witty' manner I usually do I'll just type the basic shit to describe my feelings. Or something.

I talk about it often so I think everyone knows I've been struggling with depression for years , actually I think my entire life at this point. I could probably give a timeline of when specific shit started that irked my ass out that stayed and never went away that lead to where I am currently, but that's like starting a WWII documentary with "so in the beginning of time god made the earth..." kinda shit

too much info with little matter

But yea I got the big fucking depression. I'm doing jack shit and haven't been doing anything for a while now.

I think my currents issues started in August when we had a power outage that "broke" my computer(it was the cord. not the computer). I was doing all good and happy drawing How to train your dragon stuff

the suddenly my computer is broken and I'm back to not doing anything but sitting around jacking off with the laptop trying to get money on fucking Furaffinity to pay for the repairs, motherboard, I think a few cords(?) and some other shit. Not to mention fucking bank fines. Did you know if you don't pay the bank fine within three days they recharge you double? yea fucking figured that one out the hard way. Byebye nearly $100 fucking dollars.

So it seems like every time I get happy even remotely something shows up to shit on my damn parade. So I spent all of August going into a depression more so than usual, I was already having concentration issues and my mother treating me like shit per usual. And then I started getting into Slasher shit again

and y'know Slasher movies are great for normal people but I've had a weird relationship with them since I was like 15. I usually only watch Slasher shit when I'm depressed. I think everyone goes through a depression/emo phase and slasher movies just became the thing over the years I would take part in/consume/watch/read about whenever I was in a bad depression. I dunno maybe something was cathartic about watching Michael myers gut a bitch because it was some physical aggression helped me feel less aggressive
or drawing my Slasher wolf ripping the entrails out of something was a physical movement to get stress off. But being depressed and watching slasher movies might not be bad for normal people but I dunno man I think it fucks me up or something. After a while I start getting desensitized to violence, start having weird dreams and it effects my mood. Watching people choke on their own blood via Jason Voorhees is cool for a while but shit gets you down after a while
It also doesn't help the weird violent nightmares I end up having about my mother or myself.

All in all a shit mindset y'know not a fun place or whatever.

So I started getting into slasher movie shit again even after I got my computer fixed. And it was all fun for a while but I got fucking bored and kinda bummed, dudes. There's only so long a homie can write a story about a giant ass crazy slasher dog pulling entrails out before shit gets old.

So I sat around doing nothing for like half of September. I think I doodled some creepy pasta shit but I can't remember what the hell else I did.
At some point I got into my mind I wanted to try playing a game called Feral hearts again
Oh what a bright fuckin idea that was.

I posted about it a lot, but Feral hearts became like a fucking obsession for me. Like "imperative to my happiness I literally can't do anything if I don't play this game" kinda shit. I guess it was just another thing for me to obsess over because I didn't have nothing else to do. I dunno Feral Hearts always has this type of "feeling" I wanted to capture again. A feeling I used to have back when I was less depressed or some shit

So I spent all of September trying to get this game to work to no avail.
To the point it started seriously impacting my happiness. I began not drawing because I wanted to save my artistic interest for Feral Hearts. Think of the art I was going to make! I started not drawing at all. I hadn't drawn for like a day or so. I couldn't even work on commissions. Felt nothing but depression and no motivation what so ever when I went to draw I just fucking couldn't. did not feel it.

I've been feeling tired and burnt out on art for a while now.

Man I genuinely can't remember the last fucking time I actually wanted to draw. I draw because I don't have anything else to do(not counting commissions which I don't consider my 'art' at all. Punch in punch out, sell burger, I go home and use money on something I want). Art hasn't been "I wonder why I'm gonna draw tonight! Hope I finish enough before it gets too late and I have to go to bed!"

Its "jack around doing nothing and maybe draw some random shit for a hour I'm never gonna finish". I haven't wanted to fuckng draw in forever, man.

That is until I got the Feral Heart bug.

So I finally got feral hearts to work! How? by installing a driver! the issue? pretty sure it fucked my computer. experienced a whole host of shit after installing the computer, all of which I'm certain I fixed.
The issue? I'm not happy. It didn't make me happy. I haven't even played Feral Hearts. I potentially fucked my computer
14% sure I am still having issues but I'm probably hallucinating at this point, have to be honest. Go into a building wanting to see a ghost, what will you see? a ghost. Yea.
So I've spent the last three days or more pondering if I'm going to have to system restore my fucking computer. First it was the right clicking. Couldn't right click without freezing the computer. Fixed that with the help of my friend

my computer was lagging to shit and back. With the help of my dawg again, I uninstalled the INtel Graphics control panel, stopped it from starting up when the computer did
yay ya the world is great
But no it isn't; my computer was still lagging on Photoshop to the point I couldn't draw. Was certain it was the driver. Was certain I'd have to system restore the computer again. Y'know bringing a whole host of anxiety with it. Because every time I system restore this computer it lags for like three fucking days as HP, and every computer I owned does.

I mean imagine being put under anesthesia and waking up 3-4 days prior and having to remember the fuck you usually do. That's the effect.

Discovered as of tonight it was Furaffinity; they have new fully animated Ads that lag the pC to shit. Thanks Furaffinity, I almost system restored the computer because of you. Dickwipe. So all should be good in the world, right? my computer isn't lagging; it was furaffinity.

I can play Feral hearts. I don't have to system restore my computer. yayyay?

No Yayyay I still aren't alright. Still can't shake the feeling the computer is fucked. I spent the last two days on repeat drawing fucking circles in photoshop trying to catch it slipping but I haven't. I spent the last two days going <a href=" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2xbLV_NSbk "> I'll get you, Bitch</a>
But I ain't ever got it. I discovered that it was Furaffinity or screen tearing because of the colors on the canvas. Y'know. The normal shit it always done before.

And the colors. I've been trying to catch them slipping but I ain't caught them sleeping. I think I haven't. They seem whiter than usual, they seem more pale or grey at times. But guess fucking what? If I don't get enough sleep; they do that. If I look away from the screen and look back, it will either look brighter or darker because my eyes art complete shit. But because I installed a driver, I cannot convince my brain it is not broken.

I feel like I'm trying to lie to myself to convince myself it isn't broken, but lying to myself isn't going to fix anything so I think I'll just say it to get it off my chest and stop pretending I'm not upset:

I think the driver fucked my colors and fucked my computer.
Is it LIKELY it did? no. I have found nothing about intel drivers fucking the computers colors up. Literally nothing. Nvidia graphics are known to do this but not intel.
But at the same time I'm fully aware its probably my brain convincing me of it.
I yanked the cord by accident the other day and I convinced myself the colors were messed. Am I really imagining it or are the colors actually miffed? who the fuck knows.
Even before the damn driver I was doing this avoidant shit.

I had a brush in PS I avoided using because it would lag occasionally.

Every time I look at the fucking computer I swear its doing what the adapter cable was doing; inconsistent colors. Sometimes things looks white, sometimes things look grey. I dunno, it could also be my eyes.

I feel like if it did do this before the driver I never somehow noticed.
I swear the photoshop brush is lagging slightly but I think its just because my brain is seeing it go to fast, or expecting it.
It just doesn't make sense the colors *suddenly* look different than before the driver. Because there is LITERALLY nothing logically or scientifically different. The driver cannot change my computers colors.
Least not going through the fucking MONITOR and CABLE.
The adapter cable was shit because its three cables linked through a adapter and then my PC. It was shit because of that.

But there is no logical reason as to why what I think is happening is happing.:/ Does telling myself this, or having multiple people who work with or on computers make me feel better? no. No it does not.

This is like if I said "I believe touching this orange will kill me instantly".

Is there a logical reason for that belief? Is there absolutely ANY scientific evidence that would support touching this orange would instantly kill me? no. No there sure as fuck is not. Not gonna stop me from thinking it, now would it?

Tired of this shit, man. It's constant. All the time.

I'm tired of every day waking up and feeling like 'I can't draw today."

I can't draw today, because I'm tired. I can't draw today, because I got into a fight with my mother and now I'm upset.

I can't draw today, because I want to play Feral Hearts on my computer, and it won't run.

I can't draw today, because the driver I installed to run Feral Hearts is causing my computer to stick when I right click.

I can't draw today, because the Intel Graphics Driver control panel starts up on boot.

I can't draw today because my internet and photoshop is lagging.

Everything was fixed. I uninstalled the intel graphics control panel. It does not boot anymore because it does not exist.

Photoshop was lagging because Furaffinity updated their website with more adds.

I can't draw today because I don't want too or feel motivated. At this point I am unconsciously trying to or find reasons as to why I haven't been drawing. This in truth is probably only another one of the many things "making" me not draw today.

The colors? I still don't feel the colors are ok. I still feel the computer is going to lag when it hasn't been. I've been obsessively testing it, and it hasn't lagged. I've been obsessively testing it over and over again and it hasn't done it.

What looks like lag? Screen tearing from the bright pink and black sketch. Which its always done.

I guess at this point I should just assume and feel accepted that the computer is fine, and the computer isn't broken. But I don't feel like that
I feel like I'm waiting for the lag or the color errors to justify myself to myself.But it hasn't happened. I think I proved what it is.

But I still don't want to draw. I still don't feel like drawing. I think making excuses is just so I don't feel ashamed. I guess saying things out loud or getting them off my chest might help in some way. But it doesn't make me feel like drawing right now. When I say it is why I wasn't drawing I mean it:

>I don't want to draw right now because I am convinced my computer is broken. I am convinced it will lag. I am convinced the colors aren't right. I am convinced it will screen tear and it will break.

That is what I feel, unfortunately.

Is it factual or proper belief and paranoia? No. But welcome to mental illness.

So yea long ass journal on where I am been mentally. Not good really.

I wake up every day feeling like wanting to draw at some point that day.

"You can't draw today. You have to make sure the colors aren't broken. You have to try and convince yourself on the small, minuscule chance they are somehow broken you won't be upset."

I'm tired of trying to convince myself the idea of the colors being broken doesn't bother me. The fuck I d then? they logically aren't broken. just because I feel they're broken, doesn't make them broken. Welcome to the joys of mental illness.

maybe I should buy a entire new cord just to convince my brain it isn't broken.:/

But yea I think thats all I have to say right now. Not doing well. haven't been drawing. can't shake the OCD cycle.

I don't know anymore. I'm not doing that well.

thanks for reading if you did,