I don't why I am the way I am. Every time I feel like I'm saying something to do right for myself I end up shooting myself in the foot and saying something that I don't intend to say, or rather something that doesn't really mean what I feel. I don't know what I feel. My mind is so twisted with all sorts of bullshit from years of abusing it with chemicals to keep it all together, and now I'm living with the results and I can never seem to grasp what it is that's true. I cant possibly articulate what goes on in my head in a way that makes sense so when I do try to interpret what it is that I feel about one thing or another, I hurt others and that hurts me. I make someone else feel like I don't care enough, or I'm not interesting, or I'm misleading or lying to them, but this isn't the truth. It's never the truth. I wish I could explain that in a way that makes sense outside my head, but I cant. I don't know how to lead someone through this maze of unorganized thoughts, ideas, and ambitions that wraps itself around my brain, and do so in a way that can benefit everyone's expectations of me and the expectations I have of myself. I keep finding myself drowning in the deep end of myself and I keep pulling everyone else down with me and its fucking eating at me. I want to show the one I love how brilliant they are, and how much I really care about their ideas and creations but I cant even execute my own ideas successfully. I explain these things in all the wrong ways and I always end up being the piece of shit saying the exact wrong thing in the right way or the right thing in the exact wrong way. How can I possibly get someone to understand me when I don't even understand myself? Am I insane? how far down the rabbit hole in my head can someone sink before losing their damned mind and saying "fuck it! I give up!". I've been living with this shit for years and I'm nowhere closer to figuring it out myself. I don't even know if it's fucking possible... perhaps I'm just doomed to live with being a mentally twisted sad-sap for the rest of my life. I just wish there was a way someone could understand what I deal with in this head of mine.