I dunno. Just felt like posting shit. Nothing related to commissions in here, I'm just depression rambling.
my friends are busy and I don't want to bother them again for the eight time this month to discuss how I'm "not doing well". I've definitely turned into that emotional baggage friend and I avoid being around people because of it. Not because they aren't there for me but because I don't want to be a burden and I know I am in some way, I guess to myself.

Man I like
don't feel shit anymore.
I don't feel happy anymore and I really don't feel sad either. I don't feel much of anything. Least not when my mother speaks to me anymore. I constantly feel like I'm trying to make myself feel anything and I don't feel anything, nothing is making me feel anymore. I laugh at movies and videos I find funny, but I don't "feel" like I'm laughing.
I get berated by mother and just ended up feeling surprised it didn't make me feel anything anymore. I feel like I'm asleep all the time emotionally or mentally. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
I've been trying to enjoy things all year and I have enjoyed nothing this year.

My birthday is in a few days and I don't feel anything. I've been trying to feel festive and I haven't felt any way at all.
I don't know if its mental related or just because its been what I've been watching but lately all I've been drawing in my spare time is gore. Not for any reason; I just enjoy drawing it and blood. I don't know if its because its one of the things I rarely if ever draw so when I do it I get to practice guts, anatomy and blood( a different kind of fluid) but all I've been sketching is things tied up, bound or incapacitated or smothered and unable to escape something or someone. I only noticed it when I looked at this months sketches and noticed they were all the same bar three.:/
A intelligent or uppity person might tell you this is projecting of ones mental state.
And maybe. But I could say that of everything, couldn't you?

I don't know what to say. I usually have some kind of reason or thing to accomplish by rambling about my mental health but I don't feel like i have any this time. Just not doing well, I guess. I wish I could feel something again.

I had a dream the other day of some unseen voice telling my I should draw Spyro again, things I used to draw when I enjoyed drawing
I looked at a drawing of Spyro I apparently did, noticed it looked different and said "I won't be the same as it used to be." and I guess that dream is indicative of my mental state.

I wish the weather matched Autumn. It does not.