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At the crossroads
5 years ago
Today was a very down day, as I said in a previous journal I have a new Psychiatrist, the guy is brutal and consistent, much more involved than my previous one, this guy set up a regular schedule for visits on Wednesdays and weekends (it could be Saturday or Sunday, no warning)
I also mentioned I have 8 months to prove I am sane and a functional member of society, I didn't know how this would be achieved when I left the hospital but his recent visits cleared that up
I have a list of things I have to do constantly, keep up to and do
Restricted Internet, as it consumes times and promotes lies and depravity (Internet for work is ok tho)
Read X amount of pages of a book every day
Get into sports and discuss them with people at work (I hate sports)
Do X time of exercise
Smile often, fight depression and if you cannot fight it, fake you don't have it
And so on and so forth, some would say that doesn't sound so bad, but to me, some of the points are just brutal, not interesting, and just plain wrong, but I can't complain
However, the cream on top came in another form, Demerits
He established a demerit system, without any change of earning merits
For all 8 months, I have 80 demerits, on his first visit, he took away 5, today he took one because I was too sad
Then we had, the talk...
He stated that if I lose all my demerits I will be forcefully committed to a mental institution, where treatment and rules would be forced and isolation ensured, for no less than 2 years and up to 5
He said that at the pace I'm going, I won't make it past march, no matter how good I get at acting or how much my caretaker is helping me, this guy is smart, and figures a lot of stuff out
However, he then suggested I commit voluntarily to the Asylum, he then promises 3 years of locked up treatment and assures I will be a functional member of society (as if it was something I want)
Having been demolished the day prior, my depression hit an all-time low, I have no strength left to fight or to struggle, no wish for it either
but I also don't wanna disappear, don't wanna be committed to a hospital without contact with the things I love, like I'm some sort of dangerous criminal, I'm not
I don't know what to do...
A friend offered help through contacts, but I am extremely hesitant about that, as these people can be vindictive, petty, and low, one investigation, one thing they smell I'm doing against them could spell doom for me for all 5 years of my sentence, call me a coward, but that's the last thing I want, I don't want to fight, I don't want to have to fend off morons and vengeful people...
I'm at the crossroads, go to a nut house, never be heard from again, or try to keep fighting a losing battle, with a worse outcome...
What can I do?
I also mentioned I have 8 months to prove I am sane and a functional member of society, I didn't know how this would be achieved when I left the hospital but his recent visits cleared that up
I have a list of things I have to do constantly, keep up to and do
Restricted Internet, as it consumes times and promotes lies and depravity (Internet for work is ok tho)
Read X amount of pages of a book every day
Get into sports and discuss them with people at work (I hate sports)
Do X time of exercise
Smile often, fight depression and if you cannot fight it, fake you don't have it
And so on and so forth, some would say that doesn't sound so bad, but to me, some of the points are just brutal, not interesting, and just plain wrong, but I can't complain
However, the cream on top came in another form, Demerits
He established a demerit system, without any change of earning merits
For all 8 months, I have 80 demerits, on his first visit, he took away 5, today he took one because I was too sad
Then we had, the talk...
He stated that if I lose all my demerits I will be forcefully committed to a mental institution, where treatment and rules would be forced and isolation ensured, for no less than 2 years and up to 5
He said that at the pace I'm going, I won't make it past march, no matter how good I get at acting or how much my caretaker is helping me, this guy is smart, and figures a lot of stuff out
However, he then suggested I commit voluntarily to the Asylum, he then promises 3 years of locked up treatment and assures I will be a functional member of society (as if it was something I want)
Having been demolished the day prior, my depression hit an all-time low, I have no strength left to fight or to struggle, no wish for it either
but I also don't wanna disappear, don't wanna be committed to a hospital without contact with the things I love, like I'm some sort of dangerous criminal, I'm not
I don't know what to do...
A friend offered help through contacts, but I am extremely hesitant about that, as these people can be vindictive, petty, and low, one investigation, one thing they smell I'm doing against them could spell doom for me for all 5 years of my sentence, call me a coward, but that's the last thing I want, I don't want to fight, I don't want to have to fend off morons and vengeful people...
I'm at the crossroads, go to a nut house, never be heard from again, or try to keep fighting a losing battle, with a worse outcome...
What can I do?
