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Update turned venting session, feel free to ignore
5 years ago
I been healing well, improving significantly to the point I can type away and take notes without too much discomfort. Going through my notes and chats with friends for inspiration on future works, there's a very small handful of furs that have been a constant source of inspiration.
For over a decade that pool has grown by a single one but down by several either falling out of touch or early death. Eventually I try to get back in touch with those I feel out of regularity and at worst we may catch up a bit and learn the spark of interest is no longer there.
As far as old friendships go, the second longest friend I had in this community is Alexxi. I remember chatting with him as far back as when I debut as a snuff artist back when VCL was the go-to place for furry art (and Furnation for those that could make their own sites). He's commissioned me many times and too often his patience has surpassed expectation, waiting out of drawing blocks and work spikes, always happy to see me regardless of making progress on a commission or not. We RP'd a lot back when that was a thing of mine and when I fell out of it, he politely tried to get me back into it as it was a big thing for him. On the not so polite side, he hated my current and previous sonas, refuses to acknowledge me by anything but my original sona he's known me for the longest (kind of don't blame him as I still privately draw myself that way).
Always supportive and a shoulder to lean on, about half the time I drew something for him I didn't bother to collect payment, or declined it because we're friends. Back in March of this year he made a request through Discord, more specific than his usual requests that leave a lot of it to me. You'd think it'll be easier for me to whip up having so much more details on the scene, but the challenge was beyond my skills but I tried several times, not happy at all with my progress.
On March 27 I sent him a small update, expressing my struggle with drawing the species he requested. Telling him I'll walk away for a bit and try again was nothing new, most often a tactic that works out great when trying something too challenging.
Work got out of hand around that time and wasn't till June 27 that I touched base again, letting him know about work and that it's coming to an end so I'll have time to draw. He didn't reply and I figured he's both giving me the space to draw and preoccupied with his life as I remember earlier in the year he moved to a new city and had to get used to it and get things in order with his family and such.
August 12 I apologized, giving up on the piece as I've made almost no progress, but this wouldn't be the first time it'll happen. Previous times just meant he'll message me when he reads it, tells me its ok, we chat about stuff and he throws a different idea, something I'm more familiar with and get that drawn relatively quickly.
Well, through an artist I watch through my, let's call it "clean" account I learned Alexxi died about 7 months ago. I been staring at my Discord window for the last hour looking over the messages. It wasn't long after our last chat that he left and after my message sent on August I was very angry at myself. I thought he grew annoyed of me always delaying things and updating him months apart with no progress. I kept thinking about him since, especially on my birthday back in November, he would have at least sent me a message then, but he didn't. I figured, once I'm healed here I'll try again to draw his piece and if I can't pull it off still, I'll recruit one of my artist friends to help me with it and present Alexxi with a bitchin double teamed fully colored piece. If not for Christmas, it would have been a great gift to start 2021, just post the image on Discord and wait for him to see it and post a bunch or random letters as he bashes his keyboard in excitement.
So much for that. So much for looking up some awesome and funny art for an easy evening. I wish I've known sooner, though not like that would have made a difference in any way. You'd think I'd handle death better but pairing it with friends in the fandom, it just somehow breaks me. First handful made sense, much older furs, not terribly close to them, sucks but that's part of life. Then closer friends began passing away unexpectedly and well, I dunno. Something about each death just hit me in the chest hard. Maybe because we talked regularly, I dunno. I just hate how frequent it feels, not enough time passes while trying to grieve for a friend then I learn I lost another. I'm sure realistically it's not like that, but that's the way it feels to me and it's just so stressful.
Ideally I should have deleted this before posting. My MO would have me chat with someone about my stress or even better, something different to help me forget about things. Well now that the absolutely most level headed fur I've known is gone, I don't know who to talk to. Yes there's some great furs that I can chat with but the way I'm feeling because of this news to me, this is something that he and one other fur would be best to talk to but both are gone so maybe they can see this journal and shake their heads at how stupid I sound.
No plans to make art anytime soon. No plans for anything anytime soon.
For over a decade that pool has grown by a single one but down by several either falling out of touch or early death. Eventually I try to get back in touch with those I feel out of regularity and at worst we may catch up a bit and learn the spark of interest is no longer there.
As far as old friendships go, the second longest friend I had in this community is Alexxi. I remember chatting with him as far back as when I debut as a snuff artist back when VCL was the go-to place for furry art (and Furnation for those that could make their own sites). He's commissioned me many times and too often his patience has surpassed expectation, waiting out of drawing blocks and work spikes, always happy to see me regardless of making progress on a commission or not. We RP'd a lot back when that was a thing of mine and when I fell out of it, he politely tried to get me back into it as it was a big thing for him. On the not so polite side, he hated my current and previous sonas, refuses to acknowledge me by anything but my original sona he's known me for the longest (kind of don't blame him as I still privately draw myself that way).
Always supportive and a shoulder to lean on, about half the time I drew something for him I didn't bother to collect payment, or declined it because we're friends. Back in March of this year he made a request through Discord, more specific than his usual requests that leave a lot of it to me. You'd think it'll be easier for me to whip up having so much more details on the scene, but the challenge was beyond my skills but I tried several times, not happy at all with my progress.
On March 27 I sent him a small update, expressing my struggle with drawing the species he requested. Telling him I'll walk away for a bit and try again was nothing new, most often a tactic that works out great when trying something too challenging.
Work got out of hand around that time and wasn't till June 27 that I touched base again, letting him know about work and that it's coming to an end so I'll have time to draw. He didn't reply and I figured he's both giving me the space to draw and preoccupied with his life as I remember earlier in the year he moved to a new city and had to get used to it and get things in order with his family and such.
August 12 I apologized, giving up on the piece as I've made almost no progress, but this wouldn't be the first time it'll happen. Previous times just meant he'll message me when he reads it, tells me its ok, we chat about stuff and he throws a different idea, something I'm more familiar with and get that drawn relatively quickly.
Well, through an artist I watch through my, let's call it "clean" account I learned Alexxi died about 7 months ago. I been staring at my Discord window for the last hour looking over the messages. It wasn't long after our last chat that he left and after my message sent on August I was very angry at myself. I thought he grew annoyed of me always delaying things and updating him months apart with no progress. I kept thinking about him since, especially on my birthday back in November, he would have at least sent me a message then, but he didn't. I figured, once I'm healed here I'll try again to draw his piece and if I can't pull it off still, I'll recruit one of my artist friends to help me with it and present Alexxi with a bitchin double teamed fully colored piece. If not for Christmas, it would have been a great gift to start 2021, just post the image on Discord and wait for him to see it and post a bunch or random letters as he bashes his keyboard in excitement.
So much for that. So much for looking up some awesome and funny art for an easy evening. I wish I've known sooner, though not like that would have made a difference in any way. You'd think I'd handle death better but pairing it with friends in the fandom, it just somehow breaks me. First handful made sense, much older furs, not terribly close to them, sucks but that's part of life. Then closer friends began passing away unexpectedly and well, I dunno. Something about each death just hit me in the chest hard. Maybe because we talked regularly, I dunno. I just hate how frequent it feels, not enough time passes while trying to grieve for a friend then I learn I lost another. I'm sure realistically it's not like that, but that's the way it feels to me and it's just so stressful.
Ideally I should have deleted this before posting. My MO would have me chat with someone about my stress or even better, something different to help me forget about things. Well now that the absolutely most level headed fur I've known is gone, I don't know who to talk to. Yes there's some great furs that I can chat with but the way I'm feeling because of this news to me, this is something that he and one other fur would be best to talk to but both are gone so maybe they can see this journal and shake their heads at how stupid I sound.
No plans to make art anytime soon. No plans for anything anytime soon.
It's understandable that you wouldn't feel like making art anymore. Just take care of yourself and give yourself the time to grieve.