For the past while now I've had these feelings haunting every second, building in my chest slowly only to get released in horrible outbursts, it's the feeling of not deserving what you have.

No I'm not talking about monetary, life or any of that, more the smaller scale. I've been having feelings like I'm a toxic person to be around and that I dont deserve the contacts I have, who am I really? Just some jackass on the interwebs who fakes self confidence because they lack the real thing, fearing showing vulnerability and masking it all under a monotone blanket when expressing to others, messages full of words yet also emptiness.

Why havent people cut me out of their life yet? Aren't I being a burden? Aren't their better people they'd rather hang around? Or are those people not around right now, so I get the seconds. Sometimes it makes me mad, frustrated at myself for so many toxic thoughts and ideas which I have to push away every second I'm left alone, a constant fight uphill which seems unwinnable, leaving me for weeks stuck in my own head until something yanks me out, only for the cycle to repeat yet again.

Tldr: Stew feeling poop and wants to make word soup in the hopes of feeling better.