It's a good time for a small update, I think. We can't celebrate like usual this year, so today is honestly just a normal day for us. But I'm intent on making it a very good normal day if I can, and I wanna wish all of you a nice holiday season!

...And maybe share some of the thoughts in my head, if only to get them out. But, hopefully sharing will inspire some feelings of positivity. I want to offer words of advice and encouragement, if I can. With how I've been feeling, there's been a lot of thought in my mind about the new year, and reflection on the year soon to pass; often I worry it's selfish or boring to talk about myself in journals--and maybe it is--but... Screw it. Sharing is an inherent risk, and it's one I need to recondition myself to think is worth taking.

Didn't want to talk about it here, because it felt like admitting defeat. But, I lost my job in the summer, and it was a huge blow to my already tenuous self-worth and even my physical health: I started getting severe intestinal pain after, and I've had to completely change my diet to avoid it. Though the stress remains, the depression over it is behind me now, and I've found the silver lining: now I've been able to treat my commissions more like a fulltime job, and I don't think I've ever been so happy with earning money. It's a goal I was always told wasn't an option, and I still don't know if it's the right decision for me... But, I think in 2021 I will continue to pursue freelance art as a new career. We'll see how it goes, and I'll keep trying. This last month it's been a challenge to stay focused... But I don't want to use that as an excuse: I want to get back to it. I want to succeed, and be able to do commissions full time.

In more recent news... Now that I'm almost recovered, I think it's alright to admit that the "sick" I had was covid-19. I didn't want to worry people, make a dramatic journal, or inspire any panic, because honestly I thought it'd be irresponsible. Now that recovery is on the horizon for me and my household, I think it's ok to be specific. I also hope that maybe a sort of "insider account" might help some of you if you find yourself with symptoms or even a positive test. So often this year people have either NOT taken covid seriously, or taken it TOO seriously; both approaches are terrible, in my opinion. Rational discussion is more helpful: that fear of the unknown makes it all so much worse. I took covid seriously ever since the lockdowns and quarantine began, but I wasn't in a position where me or Nux could isolate, being that we were both essential employees when the epidemic started here in the US, and none of us could afford to be out of work. Everyone in my household--except me--is high risk for covid fatality, and my biggest fear was the disease affecting one or all of us... Then it happened, and I was terrified. We all were.

Just remember: if you get symptoms, and especially if you get a positive result, don't give up. It's not over, you can recover, it's not a death sentence. You need to take it seriously, but don't take it so seriously that you let yourself lose hope. Losing hope only makes it worse.

CDC Symptom Page
CDC Recommendations for if you Test Positive

Here's what our house was told when my mother in law called her doctor: Sitting up makes breathing easier, and minor exercise--walking up stairs, lifting and moving small things--is better than pure inactivity. Sleeping all day is a bad idea, as tempting as it is: laying down makes breathing harder. Things that helped me most: drinking coffee every morning to try and soothe my cough and stay awake, drinking lots of water and keeping a regular schedule of meals, spending a little time with my cats and making sure to clean and care for them properly, watching game streams in discord calls with my friends, and talking about plans for characters and art. Even though I had to force myself out of bed, I can honestly say it was worth it and helped me feel better faster.

One of the worst parts for me was being overwhelmed with a sort of "brain fog" for lack of a better word. Everything felt strange and hazy--still does, if I'm being honest--and I lost all drive to create anything or even to enjoy anything; I've had to manually "reconnect" with art and having fun, and even just basic socialization. I couldn't write anymore, couldn't really stay focused on drawing when I tried, and I'm still trying to bounce back. Probably why this journal is so long and ranty... But ah well. It is what it is.

But, now on to the new year. I understand everyone is tired of 2020, and for good reason; I think it's been tougher for others than it's been for me, and I don't mean to devalue that feeling of frustration people are experiencing. But, this whole year, I've been getting really tired of the "fuck 2020, world's on fire" sentiment. I believe that when you decide "this year is just bad," you set yourself and those around you up for failure, probably without intending to. This is what happened to me in 2016, and it made every day feel like a bad day, like there was no point in trying to stay positive. Even now, I still look back to 2016 and erroneously place blame on the year for negative changes in myself as a person... And honestly, it's a stupid habit. I hope I can kick it soon, and work towards self-improvement in earnest.

Maybe this isn't the same for everyone, but... I know it's true for me: generally, it's better to try and take things day by day, don't worry about "the year." Bad days happen, bad months happen, and even bad years happen. But it's a lot better for your state of mind to resign yourself to "a bad day," than "a ruined year," and to try your best to stay positive. Even if you're an overall pessimistic person--like I know I am--it's worth it to try and find little silver linings when you can. Maybe that's sentimental and corny, but... Honestly it's been helpful to me. Maybe it'll be helpful to you too.

When the new year actually comes, I'm going to try to re-adopt the habit of making a list of art-related resolutions. I'm not sure what they'll be yet... But! I'll post when I have them.

Sorry for the un-festive ranting! Have a safe and happy holiday if you can, and (hopefully) a safe and happy new year.