2020 yada yada, year bad, we know the drill, heck even the mentioning of the cliche subject has become a cliche subject in and of itself, soooo!

...... I legit don't know where to start, a lot of this year has been a dark place for me with small, brief glimmers of light and hope. I have lost friends, some because juicy drama was more appealing than reality or truth, some because they simply moved away seeking out a better life for themselves, but the one that hit hardest was losing my best friend to cancer. A void in my life opened up when he passed, losing someone who was a fellow artist, who was a genuinely open minded and kind soul. Then the thoughts afterwards... The conversations that won't be anymore, the ever improving and impressing artwork that now stops here, just a lot of things that wont ever be or ever be again. It just hit me hard... and the following months got no easier. Having a void like that puts you in a bad place... a place where people can use you, abuse your trust and friendship, treat you as disposable. Its been a struggle most of my life, really. 2020 just simply proved many things all over again for me. Not to say it was all bad, in the journey of this last year I found a couple friends out there, more genuine and kind souls, I even managed to re-shift my focus on others already in my life.

In other areas of life... it was a volatile year for me in just how I even looked at myself, I felt like I had been so beat up over these last few years by myself and others, even my own identity was sorta falling apart from the inside. I didn't feel like myself at all, I felt like.. I was just a empty "thing", living in this body, just counting down time and putting on a act for many people, just to keep them happy or play the court jester as I tend to do. At some point I started even strongly rejecting my own homosexuality... a path that I think, while it helped me in the long run to re-discover that part of me, was not a pleasant journey towards its end. I am frankly glad I feel comfortable with myself as a gay man again... cause the alternative I fear would have merely driven me into a deep deep depression, heck it sorta did honestly, so time to shake that shit off me and grab the biggest dildo I can and hit that reset button with it!

On a more positive note, I think due to all the hell.. for better or worse I put a lot of focus into my art. Maybe I have to thank Skyder for that one really, I had felt drive this whole year... do better, embrace expression, put your heart into your work, some times working in between breakdowns cause some pictures got rather emotional for me on a personal level. No one knows how long any of us truly have on this planet and I for one would love to at least have something to show at the end, regardless how much or how little attention or credit I have ever gotten as an artist, it still means a lot to me to keep moving forward in my passion.

Who knows what the future really holds for anyone, I do still hope for the best. I hope to see a day where I can look back at this year and go "If I survived that hell, those repeated blows, I can do anything" So here is at least hoping we can start growing something better in the steaming heap of dung this year left us with.