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Peppy's Pulse Check: 2021
5 years ago
Hey everyone. Hope your 2021 is going all right, all things considered.
A couple months ago, I went on a long pulse check on how my 2020 was. I thought it would be all right to give a status update about 2021 so far, and the time away from my job, because I guess you could say, something's happened.
I'm going to give a quick, vague recap of the last few weeks for me. This is not the full story, not by any stretch, but I think it gives a good overview of where my head's at.
--
I fell for a guy who hardly notices I exist.
For context, I don't get crushes. Even as a randy teenager, I never looked at a classmate or a celebrity or anybody and thought of them in that light. Whatever chemicals make up the matter in my brain skipped out the "fall in love" part.
And honestly, this has been fine. I'm an introverted person, and after 35 years of life I've come to really enjoy my independence. At the end of the day, I like myself, and I enjoy my own company. I would not consider myself a "lonely" person, even if I've only agreed to a handful of dates in my life.
So to find myself suddenly pining for somebody who clearly doesn't feel the same is a weird, weird feeling. This isn't "baby's first crush". This is "your weird uncle's first crush".
I don't mean that he's explicitly rebuked me, or that he's a jerk, or anything like that. Any onus of this crush is on yours truly. It's just you can tell when a person isn't really interested in furthering a friendship (let alone a romance) with you, and I'm very good at respecting boundaries.
But that's where my head's at, and even now I can't get him out of my head.
--
I'm excited about it.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think anything's going to come from this crush in particular. Oh sure, maybe it's possible he'll be like, "Oh, I've been so busy at work, I haven't noticed, of course let's kiss kiss fall in love!", but I don't think that's likely.
And of course I'm bummed. It's sad to want somebody who doesn't want you back. To try to convince yourself to move on, only to find yourself daydreaming (and sometimes night dreaming) about them. About watching online every second, having your heart lift when they log on, only for nothing to come of it. These are new feelings for me. I'm emotionally mature enough to deal with them, but it still sucks.
But what this experience has taught me is that I have the potential to love. I have that capacity. Deep down inside, I have that urge and that longing. That part of my head and my heart and my soul is not missing.
If I can crush on one person, I can crush on another. One who'll reciprocate.
That's a big part of these recent changes I have been making in my life. Streaming the other day, joining the Pokemon MUSH, getting active on Twitter. These are all steps toward one thing: getting myself out there. Looking for that next person who makes my heart skip a beat. Hoping and praying that this one instance isn't a fluke of nature, a drop in the pan.
So, all right! I've got my hope for 2021. Fingers crossed for an "omg i have a boyfriend look at me" post in a few months, but even if not, if I can make some new friends, then you know what, that'll be all right too.
---
Still here? Thanks for reading. Heck, for clicking, just to check on me. I'm glad this one was a little more optimistic than the last big one.
If you're interested in the crush, well -- I don't want to go into detail, but I can give you one more little tidbit.
Apparently, my critical hit spot is Arcanines. You'd think I'd have realized that by now, but, well. Now I know.
Keep it real, FA.
A couple months ago, I went on a long pulse check on how my 2020 was. I thought it would be all right to give a status update about 2021 so far, and the time away from my job, because I guess you could say, something's happened.
I'm going to give a quick, vague recap of the last few weeks for me. This is not the full story, not by any stretch, but I think it gives a good overview of where my head's at.
--
I fell for a guy who hardly notices I exist.
For context, I don't get crushes. Even as a randy teenager, I never looked at a classmate or a celebrity or anybody and thought of them in that light. Whatever chemicals make up the matter in my brain skipped out the "fall in love" part.
And honestly, this has been fine. I'm an introverted person, and after 35 years of life I've come to really enjoy my independence. At the end of the day, I like myself, and I enjoy my own company. I would not consider myself a "lonely" person, even if I've only agreed to a handful of dates in my life.
So to find myself suddenly pining for somebody who clearly doesn't feel the same is a weird, weird feeling. This isn't "baby's first crush". This is "your weird uncle's first crush".
I don't mean that he's explicitly rebuked me, or that he's a jerk, or anything like that. Any onus of this crush is on yours truly. It's just you can tell when a person isn't really interested in furthering a friendship (let alone a romance) with you, and I'm very good at respecting boundaries.
But that's where my head's at, and even now I can't get him out of my head.
--
I'm excited about it.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think anything's going to come from this crush in particular. Oh sure, maybe it's possible he'll be like, "Oh, I've been so busy at work, I haven't noticed, of course let's kiss kiss fall in love!", but I don't think that's likely.
And of course I'm bummed. It's sad to want somebody who doesn't want you back. To try to convince yourself to move on, only to find yourself daydreaming (and sometimes night dreaming) about them. About watching online every second, having your heart lift when they log on, only for nothing to come of it. These are new feelings for me. I'm emotionally mature enough to deal with them, but it still sucks.
But what this experience has taught me is that I have the potential to love. I have that capacity. Deep down inside, I have that urge and that longing. That part of my head and my heart and my soul is not missing.
If I can crush on one person, I can crush on another. One who'll reciprocate.
That's a big part of these recent changes I have been making in my life. Streaming the other day, joining the Pokemon MUSH, getting active on Twitter. These are all steps toward one thing: getting myself out there. Looking for that next person who makes my heart skip a beat. Hoping and praying that this one instance isn't a fluke of nature, a drop in the pan.
So, all right! I've got my hope for 2021. Fingers crossed for an "omg i have a boyfriend look at me" post in a few months, but even if not, if I can make some new friends, then you know what, that'll be all right too.
---
Still here? Thanks for reading. Heck, for clicking, just to check on me. I'm glad this one was a little more optimistic than the last big one.
If you're interested in the crush, well -- I don't want to go into detail, but I can give you one more little tidbit.
Apparently, my critical hit spot is Arcanines. You'd think I'd have realized that by now, but, well. Now I know.
Keep it real, FA.
Good luck with your crush! You got this!!