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If I knew what I knew now ( silly vent journal )
5 years ago
General
My youth feels like a clusterfuck of misunderstanding.
Being online is hard in the fact you don't realize when you're younger just how different people are. I'm almost 30 now, I felt like everyone felt the same, we were just bothered by things outside of our control, but we were genuinely able to be 'all understood'.
Words can't describe how wrong I was.
I had feelings for people that border on infatuation. Thats the best societal way to put it, just, ridiculous infatuation and I do now just, I seem to grasp people are different more. I thought if we just managed to piece it together I could be friends with anyone? Sympathize/empathize? But that isn't the way the world works I've found. Now those 'people' I meet, I just accept are worlds apart or starting to click they're so different by birth psychologically I couldn't get it; I let it go.
But I couldn't let it go once. What could be protrayed as something could very well be something else and I didn't live completely in that, but I just wish someone told me but that never happened.
People think I am a nice guy, but how would you feel if I said I didn't have a clear concept of sheer psychological difference and just felt this naivete if we just listened enough to each other we could empathize? I couldn't let go of things. People, moments.
It makes me so infuriated but I guess thats life. You regret what you didn't know then and most likely weren't told then, so you had to struggle, transition and grow up.
I'm sorry to people who think this was pathetic because I feel pathetic. I regret my lack of level of understanding why I was a adolescent and in my younger 20s. Recently I gained more of a ability to forgive myself, but, you can be two people and two worlds apart to put it bluntly. There are so many things I know people think you could've gotten over that.
To this fandom I guess I was like the most toxic excuse of a person. It was probably my autism? If due to a llness I lack the ability to perceive sometimes what you see, how can I imagine grasping it if you are the haves of this comprehension and I am not?
I own that they just feel like irrational feelings now. Yeah, I probably compartmentalize them, I wish I could say sorry. But the feeling feels more like they just rocketed off to another galaxy and left you far behind by the time you 'get it'.
But maybe by writng this, some people can possibly sympathize wth this and I won't feel maybe like this illness makes me a 'faulty human' to be honest.
I'll be ok honestly. One day, one day I just know I'd be better at this and understand myself far more. I know for one it's not being sensitive to stuff, other people are less so and it can take you forever to 'get that'.
Worlds apart, just worlds apart.
Being online is hard in the fact you don't realize when you're younger just how different people are. I'm almost 30 now, I felt like everyone felt the same, we were just bothered by things outside of our control, but we were genuinely able to be 'all understood'.
Words can't describe how wrong I was.
I had feelings for people that border on infatuation. Thats the best societal way to put it, just, ridiculous infatuation and I do now just, I seem to grasp people are different more. I thought if we just managed to piece it together I could be friends with anyone? Sympathize/empathize? But that isn't the way the world works I've found. Now those 'people' I meet, I just accept are worlds apart or starting to click they're so different by birth psychologically I couldn't get it; I let it go.
But I couldn't let it go once. What could be protrayed as something could very well be something else and I didn't live completely in that, but I just wish someone told me but that never happened.
People think I am a nice guy, but how would you feel if I said I didn't have a clear concept of sheer psychological difference and just felt this naivete if we just listened enough to each other we could empathize? I couldn't let go of things. People, moments.
It makes me so infuriated but I guess thats life. You regret what you didn't know then and most likely weren't told then, so you had to struggle, transition and grow up.
I'm sorry to people who think this was pathetic because I feel pathetic. I regret my lack of level of understanding why I was a adolescent and in my younger 20s. Recently I gained more of a ability to forgive myself, but, you can be two people and two worlds apart to put it bluntly. There are so many things I know people think you could've gotten over that.
To this fandom I guess I was like the most toxic excuse of a person. It was probably my autism? If due to a llness I lack the ability to perceive sometimes what you see, how can I imagine grasping it if you are the haves of this comprehension and I am not?
I own that they just feel like irrational feelings now. Yeah, I probably compartmentalize them, I wish I could say sorry. But the feeling feels more like they just rocketed off to another galaxy and left you far behind by the time you 'get it'.
But maybe by writng this, some people can possibly sympathize wth this and I won't feel maybe like this illness makes me a 'faulty human' to be honest.
I'll be ok honestly. One day, one day I just know I'd be better at this and understand myself far more. I know for one it's not being sensitive to stuff, other people are less so and it can take you forever to 'get that'.
Worlds apart, just worlds apart.
