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Life problems 7.3: revelations
4 years ago
Honestly half the time I post these it's so I can come up with increasingly stupider fucking titles as references for how many times I talk about my life problems here and give updates.
Blahblah not really a art update journal just another one talking about shit I'm going through and life problems. If you wanna read read if you don't then don't that's 'bout it
There is some commission shit in here though so whatevs'
Also sometimes people in the comments have advice that might be helpful or insightful; like that time I complained on here about a computer and ended up with a new homie
And holy crap the last time I posted these was only three months ago? What was I happy for, like a fucking WEEK in between that? eh
Gonna be a joke at this point, "I'm never happy" E-yore lookin- ass.
Not really sure how to start this journal
I've been doing shit lately.
In between the last time I posted a journal I had like three mental break downs, not that I quite remember what those were about or why
Uhh
My mother destroyed some drawings I did as a kid, told me she wished I'd die and she had never had me. So that was a whole thing. I spend most my time trying to avoid or hide my feelings usually, save for the people I talk to about it. But even then I don't bother to go into as much detail as it seems because explaining my feelings is hard, especially when depression is making me want to sleep and do nothing else, sort of like it is now,:/ I'm sure its from a lifetime of repressing feelings, but I feel like at this point I just accepted I'm never gonna be mentally happy and always have issues. Doesn't feel like its going to get much worse, frankly.
A the end of January I got into a fight with my mother in which she accidentally closed a door on my hand. My drawing hand :/
It hurt for more than a week after that. I had a lot of other issues with said arm and hand after that, I wasn't and am not sure if I am imagining it as I've done shit like this before in the past. Not really fun to have basically no control over weather your brain decides to pretend you're dying today or not So my hands been hurting like shit and I haven't been able to draw. I've been working on commissions because I got paid too, what else am I going to do with myself, and I need to get some shit finished
but I haven't done my own trying and any attempts to has left me miserable. My arm alternates between burning and cramping so I'm not really doing anything.
Not really sure what it is, at this point. It went away for like a week, but I slept on the arm and now its once again hurting horribly.
Started wondering if this is my life now and if I should just kill myself, because honestly I'd have no reservations about taking a bullet to the head at this point, I'm pretty goddamn dead inside and not much effects me anymore, but I can't in good faith say my hand is irreparably damaged from a light smush in the door.
Reasons its probably NOT the door?
*smashed my hand in a door before; it healed fine and it was a worse wound, it turned my hand solid purple where as this one barely turned it red.
*My left arm is doing this too and my left arm hasn't been injured.
* I spent a entire week before my hand was smushed doing 7-10 hours in one sitting on one image every night.
*I was progressively getting achier and achier
*I may have some kind of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
*the pain is now coming from my shoulder(s) and neck, not so much the hand.
I closed my hand in a door again to prove this point.
Reasons its probably the door?
I dunno... *didn't have this pain like this until it happened. So.
The only other time I remember having shit like this was when I spent a entire month or two playing Okami every night for six hours and my arm ended up like this. Maybe I should just sit around and do nothing and hope it improves but I'm depressed as shit so waiting around is fucking me up mentally, not that I already wasn't.
I've tried ignoring it and that seems work like... 30% of the time.
For some reason I occasionally forget about it then its back.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I may be ill because every muscle in my body burns.
I've spent the last week breathing chemicals because our pipes broke and had to be repaired, it snowed for three days in a row, which is apparently hasn't done in like 30years. My asthma has been shit because of it. The water is apparently "not safe" according to the water people out here. we didn't have water for several nights.
As far as art goes commissions are arguably going better than ever as I've been boredom working on like seven a night compared to the usual I do so I've got a bunch almost complete.
So blah blah I'm depression(nothing new) I can't draw, I'm in crippling pain and much doesn't look like its getting better or will so I'm pondering the big questions like if I should take up heroin or off myself
either one is fine honestly
I'm fuckin tired.
Blahblah not really a art update journal just another one talking about shit I'm going through and life problems. If you wanna read read if you don't then don't that's 'bout it
There is some commission shit in here though so whatevs'
Also sometimes people in the comments have advice that might be helpful or insightful; like that time I complained on here about a computer and ended up with a new homie
And holy crap the last time I posted these was only three months ago? What was I happy for, like a fucking WEEK in between that? eh
Gonna be a joke at this point, "I'm never happy" E-yore lookin- ass.
Not really sure how to start this journal
I've been doing shit lately.
In between the last time I posted a journal I had like three mental break downs, not that I quite remember what those were about or why
Uhh
My mother destroyed some drawings I did as a kid, told me she wished I'd die and she had never had me. So that was a whole thing. I spend most my time trying to avoid or hide my feelings usually, save for the people I talk to about it. But even then I don't bother to go into as much detail as it seems because explaining my feelings is hard, especially when depression is making me want to sleep and do nothing else, sort of like it is now,:/ I'm sure its from a lifetime of repressing feelings, but I feel like at this point I just accepted I'm never gonna be mentally happy and always have issues. Doesn't feel like its going to get much worse, frankly.
A the end of January I got into a fight with my mother in which she accidentally closed a door on my hand. My drawing hand :/
It hurt for more than a week after that. I had a lot of other issues with said arm and hand after that, I wasn't and am not sure if I am imagining it as I've done shit like this before in the past. Not really fun to have basically no control over weather your brain decides to pretend you're dying today or not So my hands been hurting like shit and I haven't been able to draw. I've been working on commissions because I got paid too, what else am I going to do with myself, and I need to get some shit finished
but I haven't done my own trying and any attempts to has left me miserable. My arm alternates between burning and cramping so I'm not really doing anything.
Not really sure what it is, at this point. It went away for like a week, but I slept on the arm and now its once again hurting horribly.
Started wondering if this is my life now and if I should just kill myself, because honestly I'd have no reservations about taking a bullet to the head at this point, I'm pretty goddamn dead inside and not much effects me anymore, but I can't in good faith say my hand is irreparably damaged from a light smush in the door.
Reasons its probably NOT the door?
*smashed my hand in a door before; it healed fine and it was a worse wound, it turned my hand solid purple where as this one barely turned it red.
*My left arm is doing this too and my left arm hasn't been injured.
* I spent a entire week before my hand was smushed doing 7-10 hours in one sitting on one image every night.
*I was progressively getting achier and achier
*I may have some kind of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
*the pain is now coming from my shoulder(s) and neck, not so much the hand.
I closed my hand in a door again to prove this point.
Reasons its probably the door?
I dunno... *didn't have this pain like this until it happened. So.
The only other time I remember having shit like this was when I spent a entire month or two playing Okami every night for six hours and my arm ended up like this. Maybe I should just sit around and do nothing and hope it improves but I'm depressed as shit so waiting around is fucking me up mentally, not that I already wasn't.
I've tried ignoring it and that seems work like... 30% of the time.
For some reason I occasionally forget about it then its back.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I may be ill because every muscle in my body burns.
I've spent the last week breathing chemicals because our pipes broke and had to be repaired, it snowed for three days in a row, which is apparently hasn't done in like 30years. My asthma has been shit because of it. The water is apparently "not safe" according to the water people out here. we didn't have water for several nights.
As far as art goes commissions are arguably going better than ever as I've been boredom working on like seven a night compared to the usual I do so I've got a bunch almost complete.
So blah blah I'm depression(nothing new) I can't draw, I'm in crippling pain and much doesn't look like its getting better or will so I'm pondering the big questions like if I should take up heroin or off myself
either one is fine honestly
I'm fuckin tired.
Okami really is a big game, isn't it?
But yea it's pretty big, I spend most my time in the game just running around looking at nature. Beautiful style for a game, I wish it would've gotten a sequel on its original console :( Walking around is more fun than fast traveling x)
Hah I'm saving for a PS4, I hope to get Okami for it sometime, I heard the remaster is beautiful.
Who would ever fast travel in Spider-Man?! sounds like it ruins the fun! maybe for timed challenges or something.
I played the remaster on PS5 too (and Miles Morales), and it's even more fun to swing through the enhanced graphics.
Does the web still connect to thin air or did they fix that? I remember the last time I looked at any Spider-Man video games(like five years ago or something) they still have a system where the web just connect to the air ðŸ˜
That said, I think it's somewhere in between connecting to thin air anywhere, and making the game unplayable by having to connect to something that's there all the time. Once you're in the air, swinging around, you don't actually see where the web connects, and it does feel like it's in thin air, but you can only swing high up between tall buildings, and you're stuck being pretty low to the ground in areas like Central Park.