Yea...I know I'm a grey muzzle. I turn 35 on Friday. I feel so indifferent to it. I remember when my birthday used to make me happy, now sometimes I almost dread it. I wonder what is wrong with me. Then again my entire life has been turned upside down and shaken and scattered out in the wind this past year... A mate left me, others are so distant at times they may as well not exists.... However I have been trying to move on and found people that love and care about em despite all my mental problems. They even try to help the best they can. Same with my physical issues. I know i have not been uploading or saying much. Truth is I just have no drive anymore. I'm depressed...have been for an extremely long time. I'm also having trouble making ends meet, since i am in pain all the time and doing any real work is problematic for me....and due to my broken brain, dealing with the public much at all makes me shut down and curl up and cry, or flip out in anger till i just want to escape it all. I need to try and focus more on being able to get by, and make ends meet, but I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. I'm fighting to get my disability but i can't make heads or tails out of the paper work, and i'm not sure if i got what i did get done correct. That said I have things i want to try and do, more writing, some charity work for RFL, maybe other types of video. For the moment i still want to make more stuff for you all, I just have no help right now, and i'm a a bit in limbo with my living situation, as I do have a house....but i lack the ability to move there as i cant afford utilities and such on my own on top of the insurance and things and my meds right now. So im torn on what to do. I could go live with some friends and family in texas but at the same time...im more comfortable weather wise, and well....everything i own is here.... I also can't afford to do much lately...so I apologize there. I hope things can improve but lately I just struggle to want to do ANYTHING anymore. Dysphoria only make this feeling so much worse. I cant even live in the right body while struggling through my day to day. I try. I really do....but lately i don't want to even try anymore.