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just venting
4 years ago
the problem with living in a household where everything you do is constantly put in the lens of is this good for me money wise? Will this get traction? Will I get commissions. Is this as good as the last piece? Is this a piece I can put in a portfolio? Is this quality. Is this what I need to be doing?
It all bogs it all down till I can't do anything anymore. It's constant anxiety attack just staring at the page because bills are coming up and I'm still working a shitty job as a cashier at a burger joint in texas as mask regulations get lifted. My parents looking at a silly video I wanted to make on peppers and trying to make me monetize and be profitable rather than let me have fun. It's the feeling like if I did what I actually want to do it be a waste of time so better to just not. And it sucks. It's draining.
It makes me miserable but my entire world view has been forced to be against my own will on nothing but the ability to make money and use my degree and at this point it's like "why did I even bother trying to lift myself out of poverty and shit like this with a degree that has me paying 2k a month an amount I don't even make? Why didn't I just go straight into work out of high school and not bother because then I could afford to leave an abusive household? Why didn't I just give up and let my parents choose my career path against my will for me like they originally planned and made myself miserable as an engineer?"
Like I can't do anything anymore. I have to force myself to draw things I don't care about to make sure I'm not hidden in algorithms or don't lose followers on other platforms. I have to make myself miserable trying desperately to apply for jobs I hate and then get yelled at when I don't get them because I should have a job that pays more than $10. I have to live knowing half my monthly paycheck is just in my rent payment and I don't have enough come April to afford the cost that will be making student loan payments.
just... in the end what am i supposed to even do? I can't even watch tv without anxiety attacks because it feels like a time waste. I can't listen to music or read. And I hate it.
It all bogs it all down till I can't do anything anymore. It's constant anxiety attack just staring at the page because bills are coming up and I'm still working a shitty job as a cashier at a burger joint in texas as mask regulations get lifted. My parents looking at a silly video I wanted to make on peppers and trying to make me monetize and be profitable rather than let me have fun. It's the feeling like if I did what I actually want to do it be a waste of time so better to just not. And it sucks. It's draining.
It makes me miserable but my entire world view has been forced to be against my own will on nothing but the ability to make money and use my degree and at this point it's like "why did I even bother trying to lift myself out of poverty and shit like this with a degree that has me paying 2k a month an amount I don't even make? Why didn't I just go straight into work out of high school and not bother because then I could afford to leave an abusive household? Why didn't I just give up and let my parents choose my career path against my will for me like they originally planned and made myself miserable as an engineer?"
Like I can't do anything anymore. I have to force myself to draw things I don't care about to make sure I'm not hidden in algorithms or don't lose followers on other platforms. I have to make myself miserable trying desperately to apply for jobs I hate and then get yelled at when I don't get them because I should have a job that pays more than $10. I have to live knowing half my monthly paycheck is just in my rent payment and I don't have enough come April to afford the cost that will be making student loan payments.
just... in the end what am i supposed to even do? I can't even watch tv without anxiety attacks because it feels like a time waste. I can't listen to music or read. And I hate it.
