every day it gets harder to use my left hand and every day it's another one not in my industry working a shit job and knowing I don't have enough money to pay my loan payments and given my dad is kicking me off his insurance soon I won't be able to afford having a car either since already half my monthly payment goes towards rent and my loan payments already almost 2k. I can't find a better paying job than working this shitty $10 retail with my skillset and also people ask why at 23 you only have 2 jobs. People ask why bother with you. And why have part time employee when you could have a full time that's twice as desperate.

I have nothing and I keep getting told I have everything. I have nothing and I can't even make art anymore because there's no point. I have always done art and writing because there's nothing inside me. There's just nothing. I have no other things I can do and if I can't make the most of this overpriced degree I spent my dad's life savings getting than why did I bother? My own parents don't even believe my depression is giving me the anxiety it has.

Why didn't I just finish jumping from the stair well instead of just sleeping there staring down at the concrete? Why do I keep pretending that there's anything left when I'm so tied in this constant screaming to make that I can't enjoy anything. I can't do anything.

I can't feel my hands or move my arm to it's full extent and I don't feel anything in me anymore.

it's just a pit and rot and I don't even want to bother with so called dreams because what's the point. What's the point when the only thing I am is tired and my arm doesn't even work most the time to let me do the only thing that made the hole in me invisible.

Why am i still pretending I have anything left I want to do