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update -- medical, work, etc
4 years ago
well, it's been a while since I gave you guys any update about things, not sure if it's really going to make any sort of difference here but I know some of my customers don't follow my twitter, where I post any and everything as it's the only place I really receive feedback on commissions or commissions anymore at all.
i had to leave my therapist due to an abusive and toxic environment she, too, had been creating for me as she was used to cookie cutter middle schooler level clients, not someone who was as "troubled" (as they like to put it) as i am at this time. i went in for another proper evaluation with my psychiatrist due to the fact that i have been hyper focusing, fixating, and dissociating to the point that i completely black out for hours or even days at a time if an emotional episode happens (which my therapist triggered more than once purposely) and i lose those hours or days. it's like i wake up in a completely different area than i was, or my memory is so piss poor that i don't even know if it was ME who was in that situation or just going into a full shut down to cope and protect myself thanks to ptsd.
i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have absolutely no way to cope with it aside from masking and shutting down like i have been. i've been told by every little bandaid clinic that my crippling fibromyalgia, neuropathy, and other ailments that i won't go into full detail on aren't enough to consider me disabled because they aren't visible to the naked eye. only thing visible is that i'm fat and "hysterical" to most doctors. i'm going to try and see if i can't get an appointment with the only female doctor in town that hasn't talked to me like i'm a fucking idiot and see if she can't help me in some way to get started.
my bloodpressure was at 165/102 and they tried to send me to the er on my last visit but i can't afford it and neither can my family. i didn't go for obvious reasons, as the last time my blood pressure was taken it was about that high anyway so. i'm resigned to losing my kidneys at this point due to the medical faculties being so shit here until i can afford any kind of health insurance whatsoever.
i have been keeping most of this to myself, talked briefly about some things on twitter, but i feel that i should start being 100% honest as to why my struggles are so fucking debilitating and why there are times i can punch out piece after piece, but then go weeks if not months without being able to even pick up a pen. half the time i don't even know if it's me drawing anymore thanks to this, and...
i'm honestly really frightened. i've been friends with people who had bpd. i don't know if it's my piss poor judgement or what, but no experience i'd ever had with them was even remotely pleasant in the end, i mean stalker level full blockages with them. otherwise if i've interacted with others who had bpd i don't know it as most don't really talk about it. i've been therapist to so many for so long that i don't know if i even have friends or if i just have pro-bono work patients since i rarely get asked or spoken to in a manner that i feel someone is actually concerned for me and not a product, service, etc that they want from me.
it's part of why i've walled myself off from here, and from most other personal social platforms. i'm tired of sharing to be ignored, and i'm tired of my own needs and wants being ignored to the point that i repeat myself a million times to people who just in one ear and out the other and go into their own personal whatevers without even considering so much as an 'oh man that sucks i hope you feel better' toward me. it has been really hard being so alone in this, and most of that loneliness is my own fault as i've been cutting out a lot of individuals who were toxic or just plain awful all around, or folks who doormatted me and just. not even reaching out to really close friends of mine due to the fact that honestly they don't know how to handle me. my everything has been classified as 'too much' for so long that i'm scared to do so.
i'm afraid they're going to try and put me back in that awful establishment again. it was the only place that they barely started diagnosing my mind for what it was, but it was literally the most horrible place i'd ever stayed in. so.
you can understand why i try and just keep to myself with everything in general.
i wonder if someone snuck some moldavite in my bag or something somewhere, the amount of everything happening to me just seems so jarring that it doesn't feel natural.
anyway, i'm sorry this has taken so long to get through, that's enough bitching, here's the basic info folks probably want to know:
graduation for booklearning is this saturday.
i will be starting interning / shadowing hopefully soon.
licensing exam hasn't been scheduled yet but the ball has started rolling, no fault to mine for any feet dragging for once.
come september i am hoping to be in a place of my own with two other room mates, maybe even have a completely different line of work.
if i can make enough money, i plan on refunding as many people as i can and finishing whatever art that i can't / have worked too far into.
i am sorry for taking so long, and appreciative so much of everyone who's been extremely patient with me.
i still have a ton of characters up for trade for art, for sale, whatever. money is welcomed of course, but art honestly brings me serotonin and with as awful as the last month or two have been i could really use some happiness. you can find everything you need to know here, with links to the folders as necessary.
--- please stop lowballing me or offering traced work, stolen adopts, mspaint five second things. a lot of adoptables in here are worth hundreds or at least a lot of time and effort at the least. be respectful, i do not go by deviantart logic where everything is only worth 2-3$ either, so please act like a proper adult on these. thank you.
i had to leave my therapist due to an abusive and toxic environment she, too, had been creating for me as she was used to cookie cutter middle schooler level clients, not someone who was as "troubled" (as they like to put it) as i am at this time. i went in for another proper evaluation with my psychiatrist due to the fact that i have been hyper focusing, fixating, and dissociating to the point that i completely black out for hours or even days at a time if an emotional episode happens (which my therapist triggered more than once purposely) and i lose those hours or days. it's like i wake up in a completely different area than i was, or my memory is so piss poor that i don't even know if it was ME who was in that situation or just going into a full shut down to cope and protect myself thanks to ptsd.
i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have absolutely no way to cope with it aside from masking and shutting down like i have been. i've been told by every little bandaid clinic that my crippling fibromyalgia, neuropathy, and other ailments that i won't go into full detail on aren't enough to consider me disabled because they aren't visible to the naked eye. only thing visible is that i'm fat and "hysterical" to most doctors. i'm going to try and see if i can't get an appointment with the only female doctor in town that hasn't talked to me like i'm a fucking idiot and see if she can't help me in some way to get started.
my bloodpressure was at 165/102 and they tried to send me to the er on my last visit but i can't afford it and neither can my family. i didn't go for obvious reasons, as the last time my blood pressure was taken it was about that high anyway so. i'm resigned to losing my kidneys at this point due to the medical faculties being so shit here until i can afford any kind of health insurance whatsoever.
i have been keeping most of this to myself, talked briefly about some things on twitter, but i feel that i should start being 100% honest as to why my struggles are so fucking debilitating and why there are times i can punch out piece after piece, but then go weeks if not months without being able to even pick up a pen. half the time i don't even know if it's me drawing anymore thanks to this, and...
i'm honestly really frightened. i've been friends with people who had bpd. i don't know if it's my piss poor judgement or what, but no experience i'd ever had with them was even remotely pleasant in the end, i mean stalker level full blockages with them. otherwise if i've interacted with others who had bpd i don't know it as most don't really talk about it. i've been therapist to so many for so long that i don't know if i even have friends or if i just have pro-bono work patients since i rarely get asked or spoken to in a manner that i feel someone is actually concerned for me and not a product, service, etc that they want from me.
it's part of why i've walled myself off from here, and from most other personal social platforms. i'm tired of sharing to be ignored, and i'm tired of my own needs and wants being ignored to the point that i repeat myself a million times to people who just in one ear and out the other and go into their own personal whatevers without even considering so much as an 'oh man that sucks i hope you feel better' toward me. it has been really hard being so alone in this, and most of that loneliness is my own fault as i've been cutting out a lot of individuals who were toxic or just plain awful all around, or folks who doormatted me and just. not even reaching out to really close friends of mine due to the fact that honestly they don't know how to handle me. my everything has been classified as 'too much' for so long that i'm scared to do so.
i'm afraid they're going to try and put me back in that awful establishment again. it was the only place that they barely started diagnosing my mind for what it was, but it was literally the most horrible place i'd ever stayed in. so.
you can understand why i try and just keep to myself with everything in general.
i wonder if someone snuck some moldavite in my bag or something somewhere, the amount of everything happening to me just seems so jarring that it doesn't feel natural.
anyway, i'm sorry this has taken so long to get through, that's enough bitching, here's the basic info folks probably want to know:
graduation for booklearning is this saturday.
i will be starting interning / shadowing hopefully soon.
licensing exam hasn't been scheduled yet but the ball has started rolling, no fault to mine for any feet dragging for once.
come september i am hoping to be in a place of my own with two other room mates, maybe even have a completely different line of work.
if i can make enough money, i plan on refunding as many people as i can and finishing whatever art that i can't / have worked too far into.
i am sorry for taking so long, and appreciative so much of everyone who's been extremely patient with me.
i still have a ton of characters up for trade for art, for sale, whatever. money is welcomed of course, but art honestly brings me serotonin and with as awful as the last month or two have been i could really use some happiness. you can find everything you need to know here, with links to the folders as necessary.
--- please stop lowballing me or offering traced work, stolen adopts, mspaint five second things. a lot of adoptables in here are worth hundreds or at least a lot of time and effort at the least. be respectful, i do not go by deviantart logic where everything is only worth 2-3$ either, so please act like a proper adult on these. thank you.
As someone with invisible illnesses who won their disability case, I highly suggest keeping a journal of all your symptoms, both mental and physical. Bring your journal(s) with you to any appointment dealing with disability, including just regular doctor's visits. Writing in a physical journal might hurt given your physical illnesses, but most people respond better to seeing physical evidence. Seeing entire books filled with hand writing will have a better impact than a digital document.
I sincerely hope you can finally get the help you need. Take care. <3