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March 2021: Migraine Of A Month
4 years ago
Hi,
Another month down. And in some ways, it has been better, and in others, it hasn’t. I’m back at University, and when I say back, I do mean back. I have successfully appealed my preclusion, meaning that I am fully back at the University to work without the added pressure of a misstep where I can fail at any moment. They are still observing what I do, which is fine and honestly something I need, but I have gone about working better at the Uni for the most part. Again, for the most part. Recently with the added assignments, things haven’t been exactly well when it comes to stress. How bad has it been?
Another self-inflicted concussion.
I had hoped, and I had tried to stop myself from causing any more damage. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help myself. On the 24th this month, I continued to hit my head prior to this date, but I felt exactly how I did during the first blow. I went to the emergency room at the hospital during 10:30pm at night and after a seven hour wait, I got the news of “Okay, so we’re going to have to let you go”, meaning that I have no idea how severe it is, but according to just guessing, it could be something mild. Even then, another mild concussion was not something that I wanted again. My anxiety overwhelmed me enough to do it again, but even then, I knew what I was doing. I didn’t expect it to happen so soon, but I knew that it could happen again. I felt like such an idiot and I still do. Thankfully, my technique with dealing with anxiety has been better. I’ve been doing some breathing exercises which have helped stabilize my thought pattern. The fear of doing damage to my brain has not left me. I have asked my doctor for an MRI. My hope is that I will get one soon, because that fear will never leave me.
The added stress might also have to do with the new roommate that I have. Yes, I have another one, and he is like the combined faults of the previous roommates that I had trouble with. Red flags already waved themselves on the first day that I had met him. On a discussion about how countries have handled the virus and how well the NZ prime minister did, he said that men were better than women. That was his contribution. That pin drop of a comment. Throughout the month, he has been nothing but a pain. Moments where I can relax and try to just calm down have been moments where he has decided to take over any living space to play loud music. I enter the apartment while he has closed all the blinds, making it completely difficult to even see my way around the place. He even closed the blind to an open door, which he still does, making an already problematic building that has bug issues have even more bugs inside. He also has made passive aggressive comments about how I choose to stay at the University to do work. I have told the apartment company about his behavior and they have given him warnings. He still continued to behave like he does.
In addition, I had a fight with a friend. My friend apparently had a job at a collector’s store that we both go to, he didn't tell me prior to going to it so when him and the person behind the counter were talking about their website and their banners, I thought that I could help out as well. He didn't tell me that he had a job, nor did the person behind the counter so they included me anyway in the conversation. I left thinking that I had a job with my friend doing banners. He said nothing about his job and how they wanted him because they had been chatting for months and continued to say "Yeah, man, it'll be fun working together". I texted my mother, father and older brother saying that I had a job. He knew that I did that and continued to act as if I had a job. It wasn't until 9pm where he told me that they wanted just him. He didn't apologize for lying to me, he just told me that it was his job. I felt like a leech of a friend, but I still continued to work on a banner. He kept saying that it was his job and still didn't apologize. My banner even made it onto the website before they said "We only wanted your friend". When I showed him the note, he said "Yeah they talked to me and they only wanted one person from the start man. They talked to me about it too. It's unfortunate but I did get the job in the beginning". No apology. I lashed out and swore at him.
He responded with this: "I mean you did just come in and I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be rude. It's hard when you were so excited about it. I didn't want to make you upset. Anyways if you're going to like that about it. That's fine. Just shows what kind of person you are. You never had the job to begin with. It was mine and you just came in and tried to take it yourself. You didn't even ask There are people who care about you and don't want to see you upset."
It's that final line that messes with me. There are people who care about you and don't want to see you upset. He upset me because he just straight up lied to me and kept lying. I called out his behavior and he blocked me. I later apologized to him on Friday, but I also wanted to discuss it with him in person so we can put bad blood behind us. He didn't even show up. He was in the canteen. I tried to end this anger so we could still see eye to eye, but clearly, he didn't want to stop it. He didn’t even show up during that party which was for my friend’s 21st. If he didn’t go because of me, what friend does that make him?
On a more positive note, I went to my friend’s 21st party, and for one night, I felt my anxiety just leave. That one night meant a lot to me, but I still issues. I went to a party where everyone is on their final year and experiencing some of the most challenging yet satisfying subjects and assignments, and I was repeating subjects. From first year. I left that party with my mind focusing on shame. It made me feel ashamed that for one night I had fun. I didn’t worry. I met friends. I made friends. I vented and just relaxed. But as I left, my anxiety felt like it was making up for lost time. I recorded some events from the night with a camera that I got for my birthday. I’ve rewatched some of the clips. It makes me smile. So, I’m glad that I have that.
I still have assignments to go and I’m not feeling the confidence that I had during the start of the month, but I shall push on through and do them. I have to. I already know what it will be like if I don’t.
It’s been a stressful and yet sometimes quiet month for me.
At least I have my family to see on the weekend to look forward to early next month.
Another self-inflicted concussion.
I had hoped, and I had tried to stop myself from causing any more damage. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help myself. On the 24th this month, I continued to hit my head prior to this date, but I felt exactly how I did during the first blow. I went to the emergency room at the hospital during 10:30pm at night and after a seven hour wait, I got the news of “Okay, so we’re going to have to let you go”, meaning that I have no idea how severe it is, but according to just guessing, it could be something mild. Even then, another mild concussion was not something that I wanted again. My anxiety overwhelmed me enough to do it again, but even then, I knew what I was doing. I didn’t expect it to happen so soon, but I knew that it could happen again. I felt like such an idiot and I still do. Thankfully, my technique with dealing with anxiety has been better. I’ve been doing some breathing exercises which have helped stabilize my thought pattern. The fear of doing damage to my brain has not left me. I have asked my doctor for an MRI. My hope is that I will get one soon, because that fear will never leave me.
The added stress might also have to do with the new roommate that I have. Yes, I have another one, and he is like the combined faults of the previous roommates that I had trouble with. Red flags already waved themselves on the first day that I had met him. On a discussion about how countries have handled the virus and how well the NZ prime minister did, he said that men were better than women. That was his contribution. That pin drop of a comment. Throughout the month, he has been nothing but a pain. Moments where I can relax and try to just calm down have been moments where he has decided to take over any living space to play loud music. I enter the apartment while he has closed all the blinds, making it completely difficult to even see my way around the place. He even closed the blind to an open door, which he still does, making an already problematic building that has bug issues have even more bugs inside. He also has made passive aggressive comments about how I choose to stay at the University to do work. I have told the apartment company about his behavior and they have given him warnings. He still continued to behave like he does.
In addition, I had a fight with a friend. My friend apparently had a job at a collector’s store that we both go to, he didn't tell me prior to going to it so when him and the person behind the counter were talking about their website and their banners, I thought that I could help out as well. He didn't tell me that he had a job, nor did the person behind the counter so they included me anyway in the conversation. I left thinking that I had a job with my friend doing banners. He said nothing about his job and how they wanted him because they had been chatting for months and continued to say "Yeah, man, it'll be fun working together". I texted my mother, father and older brother saying that I had a job. He knew that I did that and continued to act as if I had a job. It wasn't until 9pm where he told me that they wanted just him. He didn't apologize for lying to me, he just told me that it was his job. I felt like a leech of a friend, but I still continued to work on a banner. He kept saying that it was his job and still didn't apologize. My banner even made it onto the website before they said "We only wanted your friend". When I showed him the note, he said "Yeah they talked to me and they only wanted one person from the start man. They talked to me about it too. It's unfortunate but I did get the job in the beginning". No apology. I lashed out and swore at him.
He responded with this: "I mean you did just come in and I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be rude. It's hard when you were so excited about it. I didn't want to make you upset. Anyways if you're going to like that about it. That's fine. Just shows what kind of person you are. You never had the job to begin with. It was mine and you just came in and tried to take it yourself. You didn't even ask There are people who care about you and don't want to see you upset."
It's that final line that messes with me. There are people who care about you and don't want to see you upset. He upset me because he just straight up lied to me and kept lying. I called out his behavior and he blocked me. I later apologized to him on Friday, but I also wanted to discuss it with him in person so we can put bad blood behind us. He didn't even show up. He was in the canteen. I tried to end this anger so we could still see eye to eye, but clearly, he didn't want to stop it. He didn’t even show up during that party which was for my friend’s 21st. If he didn’t go because of me, what friend does that make him?
On a more positive note, I went to my friend’s 21st party, and for one night, I felt my anxiety just leave. That one night meant a lot to me, but I still issues. I went to a party where everyone is on their final year and experiencing some of the most challenging yet satisfying subjects and assignments, and I was repeating subjects. From first year. I left that party with my mind focusing on shame. It made me feel ashamed that for one night I had fun. I didn’t worry. I met friends. I made friends. I vented and just relaxed. But as I left, my anxiety felt like it was making up for lost time. I recorded some events from the night with a camera that I got for my birthday. I’ve rewatched some of the clips. It makes me smile. So, I’m glad that I have that.
I still have assignments to go and I’m not feeling the confidence that I had during the start of the month, but I shall push on through and do them. I have to. I already know what it will be like if I don’t.
It’s been a stressful and yet sometimes quiet month for me.
At least I have my family to see on the weekend to look forward to early next month.
your friend was being a total jerk btw, so please don't beat yourself up over it or anything.
How has your head been feeling? and any updates on the roommate or the friend?
you must be so frustrated
you could always type up one last message, of stuff you want to say?
because when it ends suddenly in such an annoying way, I know that you can have a lot of words circling your head. Things you want to say, things you wish you could have said. so whether you send it or not, it can be nice to get the words down somewhere.
show me the banner bro because, I am so ready to roast it >:/
such a shitty time, I really do hope things can improve for you. You don't deserve all that treatment
have the holidays with the fam been ok?
and the headaches, no new issues right?