FA+
Shop
Mental shit 2, the shittining
4 years ago
Smh don't know why I'm posting this
or at all, because I don't particularly feeling like talking about it. I've spoken to it with friends, and made a reddit post just for the habit... I suppose. I feel like talking about this should make me feel better or "normal" but I don't really think it will.
My mental issues aren't good. That's the least said. There are many new and old problems I have been dealing with, most I might list out or some I don't think I'll bother with kinda depends how much I feel like typing.
I've posted about my mother in the past, and how she's shitty and treats me like shit, that's nothing new.
Well she found my reddit account and to some extent my DeviantART account. I say "found" because she already knew about it and technically with the help of my stupid ass lardass bitch sister stumbled across my status updates about them.
Nothing really new there to be honest.
This has really messed me up to say the least.
None of my accounts are private, I make no pretend of that. They're private to no one and have never been. I think I deluded myself into thinking they were some kind of safe heaven private or something when they weren't and never were. I always had the assumption they either knew about them(and to some extent they did) or knew about me shitting on their asshole behavior online.
Obliviousness is bliss as they say. Technically I was (slightly) 'unknown' by them, but if your neighbor farms vegetables out of his front yard and then you discover her also farms vegetables out of his back yard, will you be surprised he farms vegetables?
Same knowledge different location. same thing.
I feel like my privacy has been raped up the ass, but there was never any privacy to rape up the ass.
Everything has always been public.
I'm having a lot of really bad anxiety, I think, but I really can't think of what for.
Because them seeing my accounts, is literally no different than the hundreds of ex friends and general people I've spat with over the years seeing my accounts. they ARE public. Nothing is private.
Every time I post
I post to the public. This is like if I wore a shirt of Barney in public and someone says "hey is that Barney?" and then I have a anxiety attack because I felt anonymous until someone pointed it out.
It's stupid.
Nothing was ever private and nothing online wasn't shit I said to their faces.
They,of course, in their infinite obliviousness and shittyness tried to make me feel shitty for posting online.
My stupid ass mother implied I'm supposed to "keep it to myself"
If I did that I'd have killed myself eons ago mate.
She also per usual tried to justify her shit on how she talked to me. There really is no arguing with people who refuse to ever change their viewpoints. My sister took out of this that I shit on her liking K-pop.
K-pop is shit. If she is gonna shit on me for liking things then I'm gonna shit on her for liking things as well.
They both act like just because they don't talk about me online I shouldn't.
I'm not living my life for them.
It feels incredibly shitty they found my accounts and I'd rather they have not but I just don't think I care all that much. I'm having bad anxiety but I always have bad anxiety anytime I get upset.
I feel like nothing has changed but at the same time my mind has convinced me things have "changed". What has changed? Nothing really. They just heard things I already said about them and they knew about, just posted online.
Boomers and hermits don't understand young people. Their world was whatever the fuck they did back in the day and my world is the internet. It's where I talk to people and interact with people.
I think out of all of this I'm worried this is somehow going to "change" me or something. Like the knowledge they seen or have seen my accounts will ultimately mean anything when in reality it really doesn't or shouldn't mean any more than discovering my ex-friends sometimes stalk my accounts. I don't think they spend all day reading my posts, I think my sister does but my sister can suck a dick so I don't care about her.
I feel like emotions are having some kind of "expected reaction" and I'm tired of having it even though I genuinely don't give a shit. It's not going to stop me from posting. It's not going to make me delete my accounts. It's not going to make me stop venting on there.
Every time I post I post with the knowledge people I might not like will potentially see it. Why do trolls or random assholes mean any different ot me than my mother and sister? It doesn't, but my anxiety and depression will pretend it does.
I'm having all kinds of anxiety problems; fatigue, lack of concentration, spacing out, headaches.
But I also can't be sure if this is just random shit from being tired. The caffeine is fucking me up, was some before this happened and I'm still having similar problems.
I'm tired of thinking about it. I wish I could go back to being "normal" before they found it, but really that was just false peace before they inevitably got mad at me about something else. It would've been the same shit, another day another form.
I've been gaslighted me entire life and I'm tired of the feeling of guilt I get for talking about how they make me feel. As if my feelings are invalid or something or I should feel guilty when I shouldn't.
I'm angry at them for making me feel the way I feel.
But I feel shitty all the time regardless so just another day another shit feeling.
I know this feeling will go away eventually but atm my anxiety isn't good.
I guess there's nothing to do but sleep and wait around until I feel better but I worry I will never feel better. My mind keeps returning to, and pretending things are suddenly different somehow when they're not.
"My mother found my reddit account where I shit on her"
instant anxiety.
But same effect can be applied to anything I have or haven't accomplished. job, whatever.
Sorry for rambling and sorry for the wait on commissions. I don't know if posting this will make me feel any better or not. Maybe for a while.
I suddenly feel like everyone is watching me and I'm antsy. Not even my private messages feel safe but I know this is a unrealistic thought. No one can see my thoughts or my pMS for that matter.
I look at my accounts and feeling nothing is safe anymore. But it never was so what a stupid idea.
I like to imagine I will forget about this sometime and pretend it never happened. I feel disassociated or in denial somehow but I cannot change what has already happened.
or at all, because I don't particularly feeling like talking about it. I've spoken to it with friends, and made a reddit post just for the habit... I suppose. I feel like talking about this should make me feel better or "normal" but I don't really think it will.
My mental issues aren't good. That's the least said. There are many new and old problems I have been dealing with, most I might list out or some I don't think I'll bother with kinda depends how much I feel like typing.
I've posted about my mother in the past, and how she's shitty and treats me like shit, that's nothing new.
Well she found my reddit account and to some extent my DeviantART account. I say "found" because she already knew about it and technically with the help of my stupid ass lardass bitch sister stumbled across my status updates about them.
Nothing really new there to be honest.
This has really messed me up to say the least.
None of my accounts are private, I make no pretend of that. They're private to no one and have never been. I think I deluded myself into thinking they were some kind of safe heaven private or something when they weren't and never were. I always had the assumption they either knew about them(and to some extent they did) or knew about me shitting on their asshole behavior online.
Obliviousness is bliss as they say. Technically I was (slightly) 'unknown' by them, but if your neighbor farms vegetables out of his front yard and then you discover her also farms vegetables out of his back yard, will you be surprised he farms vegetables?
Same knowledge different location. same thing.
I feel like my privacy has been raped up the ass, but there was never any privacy to rape up the ass.
Everything has always been public.
I'm having a lot of really bad anxiety, I think, but I really can't think of what for.
Because them seeing my accounts, is literally no different than the hundreds of ex friends and general people I've spat with over the years seeing my accounts. they ARE public. Nothing is private.
Every time I post
I post to the public. This is like if I wore a shirt of Barney in public and someone says "hey is that Barney?" and then I have a anxiety attack because I felt anonymous until someone pointed it out.
It's stupid.
Nothing was ever private and nothing online wasn't shit I said to their faces.
They,of course, in their infinite obliviousness and shittyness tried to make me feel shitty for posting online.
My stupid ass mother implied I'm supposed to "keep it to myself"
If I did that I'd have killed myself eons ago mate.
She also per usual tried to justify her shit on how she talked to me. There really is no arguing with people who refuse to ever change their viewpoints. My sister took out of this that I shit on her liking K-pop.
K-pop is shit. If she is gonna shit on me for liking things then I'm gonna shit on her for liking things as well.
They both act like just because they don't talk about me online I shouldn't.
I'm not living my life for them.
It feels incredibly shitty they found my accounts and I'd rather they have not but I just don't think I care all that much. I'm having bad anxiety but I always have bad anxiety anytime I get upset.
I feel like nothing has changed but at the same time my mind has convinced me things have "changed". What has changed? Nothing really. They just heard things I already said about them and they knew about, just posted online.
Boomers and hermits don't understand young people. Their world was whatever the fuck they did back in the day and my world is the internet. It's where I talk to people and interact with people.
I think out of all of this I'm worried this is somehow going to "change" me or something. Like the knowledge they seen or have seen my accounts will ultimately mean anything when in reality it really doesn't or shouldn't mean any more than discovering my ex-friends sometimes stalk my accounts. I don't think they spend all day reading my posts, I think my sister does but my sister can suck a dick so I don't care about her.
I feel like emotions are having some kind of "expected reaction" and I'm tired of having it even though I genuinely don't give a shit. It's not going to stop me from posting. It's not going to make me delete my accounts. It's not going to make me stop venting on there.
Every time I post I post with the knowledge people I might not like will potentially see it. Why do trolls or random assholes mean any different ot me than my mother and sister? It doesn't, but my anxiety and depression will pretend it does.
I'm having all kinds of anxiety problems; fatigue, lack of concentration, spacing out, headaches.
But I also can't be sure if this is just random shit from being tired. The caffeine is fucking me up, was some before this happened and I'm still having similar problems.
I'm tired of thinking about it. I wish I could go back to being "normal" before they found it, but really that was just false peace before they inevitably got mad at me about something else. It would've been the same shit, another day another form.
I've been gaslighted me entire life and I'm tired of the feeling of guilt I get for talking about how they make me feel. As if my feelings are invalid or something or I should feel guilty when I shouldn't.
I'm angry at them for making me feel the way I feel.
But I feel shitty all the time regardless so just another day another shit feeling.
I know this feeling will go away eventually but atm my anxiety isn't good.
I guess there's nothing to do but sleep and wait around until I feel better but I worry I will never feel better. My mind keeps returning to, and pretending things are suddenly different somehow when they're not.
"My mother found my reddit account where I shit on her"
instant anxiety.
But same effect can be applied to anything I have or haven't accomplished. job, whatever.
Sorry for rambling and sorry for the wait on commissions. I don't know if posting this will make me feel any better or not. Maybe for a while.
I suddenly feel like everyone is watching me and I'm antsy. Not even my private messages feel safe but I know this is a unrealistic thought. No one can see my thoughts or my pMS for that matter.
I look at my accounts and feeling nothing is safe anymore. But it never was so what a stupid idea.
I like to imagine I will forget about this sometime and pretend it never happened. I feel disassociated or in denial somehow but I cannot change what has already happened.
my brain is gonna anxiety attack regardless.
I could stub my toe and go "at least I didn't break that."
"You probably did."
"I know I didn't it can still move."
"...well how about anxiety any-"
telling myself its stupid really doesn't do much it does what it wants.
I did this for a while when they mentioned my DeviantART but I guess I had other shit to care about because I forgot about it
I even typed a "fuck you guys" on the front of the page which they never mentioned. Either they left after visiting it once
it seems
or they didn't say anything which I doubt they could go without saying anything.
Now my sister is confirmed reading my 160000 status updates but I somehow care less about her opinion and have taken horrific glee that she's reading all the ones where I insult K-pop.
I saw her crying earlier today.
Now I would feel bad but she beats animals and she's crying because I said Kpop is shit.
The migraines I was having before this aren't helping, because I'm sleep deprived, and I think on too much caffeine and can no longer tell if I'm having anxiety or just tired. Or both.
Every time I try to concentrate I get the feeling you get when you're tired, nod off then wake up suddenly.
This happens when I'm tired but also when I have anxiety.
Also weird burning in the back of my head, again either from being tired of anxiety. Either.
Nothing has really changed or I think will but my brain will say otherwise .__. I guess I need better distractions. I'm blazed out of my mind tired so worrying seems easier than trying to not worry.
Beh
And distractions, I need those a lot too. I use video games for that, mostly. Do you play Minecraft?
I do drink tea, but for a week or more now I've been having random caffeine head aches weather it is tea or soda :( I cannot drink coffee, it causes me heart pain. I think the tea is too strong or my fatigue is making it make me antsy.
I have video games but mostly been playing Bayonetta.
I haven't played that game in years lol, I'm not even sure where you'd get the official version of that game. I still have this weird bootleg version I bootlegged when I was 12
Have you played it? If so do you like the sequel? How do you feel about it being Nintendo Exclusive now? apparently the "OG Bayonetta fans" are a major split from the new fans.
Huh didn't know Playsation had exclusives o: what're theirs?