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Why I haven't been active...
4 years ago
It's been about 3 months since I lasted posted here and I felt that it was worth addressing. I haven't abandoned this account, nor have I abandoned any of my projects like "To Dust," I'm currently dealing with a personal health crisis and a lot of other things have added to a list of stressors. I've been somewhat open about what's been happening on my Twitter but I haven't gone into too much detail, and while I've been reassured that I don't need to feel obligated to share what's been going on I think it may help me get things off my chest while informing you guys why it's been radio silent here.
First my own health,
I'm currently struggling to get help for some chronic issues that have taken a toll on my mental and physical health. I struggle with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Depression and currently I've been dealing with severe panic attacks and PTSD related nightmares. Both of these have affected my ability to sleep which has left me extremely exhausted. The panic attacks I suffer from manifest as seizure-like episodes that last between 1-5 hours and can happen multiple times a day. I'm currently taking medications to help deal with these attacks, mostly the sedatives Ativan and Klonopin which leave me dazed and in a listless or zombie-like state. As you can probably imagine,this makes concentration nearly impossible. I'm also on another medication called prazosin which is supposed to help with the nightmares that come with my ptsd but I've been having blood pressure issues with it and I've had to watch that closely. I reached my lowest in February after my former psychiatrist very suddenly took me off one of my medications which created a downward cascade which resulted in me attempting suicide. I made a second attempt in early March but have since been stable. My second attempt resulted is a concussion which affected my ability to see and walk, I couldn't eat due to the nausea and I had horrible headaches. These symptoms lasted about a month and some continued just not as intensely for a week or so after. I had lost about 12lbs which for someone who weighs 103lbs was a lot especially in such a short time. All of this left me in a lot of chronic pain and physical exhaustion which I am still recovering from. I am still experiencing all the issues with my ptsd and anxiety on top much that so my ability to function has been drastically limited.
Access to resources like counseling and therapy is extremely limited and the system which was already stretched thin is currently overloaded due to covid-19 related depression cases. I was denied a few serives due to the severity of my issues which has been very demoralizing and have been on some waiting lists for 5 months now. I also ran into many issues with my psychiatrist who was extremely ill equipped to handle my care and dismissed much of my concerns some of which were signs of suicidality that were brushed off and ignored. I've felt very much like the Healthcare system was failing me or didn't care. Right now I'm in limbo as I wait to be assigned a new psychiatrist by by hospital. I was able to abscess a temporary social worker as well as 7 weeks of counseling however these are no replacement for treatment and my time with them will be ending soon. I've been given some resources to explore but most have long wait lists or are extremely expensive. I was quoted $6000 for therapy at one of the few places that actually returned my calls, assuming most other places are overwhelmed with other patients. So I've been left mostly to deal with all of this on my own.
So that is where I am with my health, but the bad news doesn't stop there.
Problems with my dog's health
One of my dogs needs surgery due to tumors in and around his anal region. My vet had given me a variety of options and informed me that there is a chance they are carcinoma (malignant cancer) which would require additional treatment. I go over all of this in full detail on I Twitter (I will link the thread below). I was overwhelmed to recieve a great deal of support both emotionally and financially raising almost enough to cover his surgery which is scheduled for May 22nd. This has been very gut wrenching for me because there are still a lot of unknown variables but I've been receiving a lot of reassurance from other dog owners who have gone through similar things with their dogs who have come out of it okay and lived for several more years. But even with all the support it has still caused me a great deal of stress and upset.
https://twitter.com/Sioteru_/status.....724502018?s=19
Lastly, my grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer. I found this out shortly after finding out about my dog so this hit me like a bus. My grandfather is basically my dad, my real father has been absent most of my life and my relationship with my mother has been strained since birth. While my relationship with my grandfather suffered due to his previous views on LGBT issues we have long since reconciled and he had been the biggest supporting force for most of my life. This news has left me distraught and afraid, though my grandfather has kept an optimistic outlook on things. He is 80 but in good health otherwise, and his brother had the exact same type of cancer 17 years ago and was able to get over it. His doctors have been really amazing and are staying on top of it. I spoke with him yesterday and ge told me they should know soon how severe the cancer is, he just had one more test to go for. But obviously even with the optimism I'm extremely worried for him and what the outcome of this will be.
These are just the biggest things going on right now. There are a lot of other problems that I have been facing with friends and family over a variety of stressful things that have left me dejected and alone. My partner has been my rock in all of this and has been taking care of most of my needs since I'm at a point where I can't properly care for myself. I'm doing everything I can to try and make a little progress each day but sometimes I don't even have the energy or physical strength to get out of bed. I really don't know how long things are going to be like this as they have persisted for quite a long time with some ups in between. The major focus right now is getting a new psychiatrist and having my medications reassessed in hopes of finding a better combination and to work at finding an accessible therapy that suits my needs.
I appreciate that many people have reached out to me to check on my wellbeing and just to tell me how much they appreciate my art. Honestly these messages have been very uplifting in these hard time and I apologize that I haven't responded to all of them yet. They really do mean the world to me tho.
I hope that everyone has been doing okay and keeping safe with the pandemic as it continues.
All the best,
-Sio
First my own health,
I'm currently struggling to get help for some chronic issues that have taken a toll on my mental and physical health. I struggle with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Depression and currently I've been dealing with severe panic attacks and PTSD related nightmares. Both of these have affected my ability to sleep which has left me extremely exhausted. The panic attacks I suffer from manifest as seizure-like episodes that last between 1-5 hours and can happen multiple times a day. I'm currently taking medications to help deal with these attacks, mostly the sedatives Ativan and Klonopin which leave me dazed and in a listless or zombie-like state. As you can probably imagine,this makes concentration nearly impossible. I'm also on another medication called prazosin which is supposed to help with the nightmares that come with my ptsd but I've been having blood pressure issues with it and I've had to watch that closely. I reached my lowest in February after my former psychiatrist very suddenly took me off one of my medications which created a downward cascade which resulted in me attempting suicide. I made a second attempt in early March but have since been stable. My second attempt resulted is a concussion which affected my ability to see and walk, I couldn't eat due to the nausea and I had horrible headaches. These symptoms lasted about a month and some continued just not as intensely for a week or so after. I had lost about 12lbs which for someone who weighs 103lbs was a lot especially in such a short time. All of this left me in a lot of chronic pain and physical exhaustion which I am still recovering from. I am still experiencing all the issues with my ptsd and anxiety on top much that so my ability to function has been drastically limited.
Access to resources like counseling and therapy is extremely limited and the system which was already stretched thin is currently overloaded due to covid-19 related depression cases. I was denied a few serives due to the severity of my issues which has been very demoralizing and have been on some waiting lists for 5 months now. I also ran into many issues with my psychiatrist who was extremely ill equipped to handle my care and dismissed much of my concerns some of which were signs of suicidality that were brushed off and ignored. I've felt very much like the Healthcare system was failing me or didn't care. Right now I'm in limbo as I wait to be assigned a new psychiatrist by by hospital. I was able to abscess a temporary social worker as well as 7 weeks of counseling however these are no replacement for treatment and my time with them will be ending soon. I've been given some resources to explore but most have long wait lists or are extremely expensive. I was quoted $6000 for therapy at one of the few places that actually returned my calls, assuming most other places are overwhelmed with other patients. So I've been left mostly to deal with all of this on my own.
So that is where I am with my health, but the bad news doesn't stop there.
Problems with my dog's health
One of my dogs needs surgery due to tumors in and around his anal region. My vet had given me a variety of options and informed me that there is a chance they are carcinoma (malignant cancer) which would require additional treatment. I go over all of this in full detail on I Twitter (I will link the thread below). I was overwhelmed to recieve a great deal of support both emotionally and financially raising almost enough to cover his surgery which is scheduled for May 22nd. This has been very gut wrenching for me because there are still a lot of unknown variables but I've been receiving a lot of reassurance from other dog owners who have gone through similar things with their dogs who have come out of it okay and lived for several more years. But even with all the support it has still caused me a great deal of stress and upset.
https://twitter.com/Sioteru_/status.....724502018?s=19
Lastly, my grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer. I found this out shortly after finding out about my dog so this hit me like a bus. My grandfather is basically my dad, my real father has been absent most of my life and my relationship with my mother has been strained since birth. While my relationship with my grandfather suffered due to his previous views on LGBT issues we have long since reconciled and he had been the biggest supporting force for most of my life. This news has left me distraught and afraid, though my grandfather has kept an optimistic outlook on things. He is 80 but in good health otherwise, and his brother had the exact same type of cancer 17 years ago and was able to get over it. His doctors have been really amazing and are staying on top of it. I spoke with him yesterday and ge told me they should know soon how severe the cancer is, he just had one more test to go for. But obviously even with the optimism I'm extremely worried for him and what the outcome of this will be.
These are just the biggest things going on right now. There are a lot of other problems that I have been facing with friends and family over a variety of stressful things that have left me dejected and alone. My partner has been my rock in all of this and has been taking care of most of my needs since I'm at a point where I can't properly care for myself. I'm doing everything I can to try and make a little progress each day but sometimes I don't even have the energy or physical strength to get out of bed. I really don't know how long things are going to be like this as they have persisted for quite a long time with some ups in between. The major focus right now is getting a new psychiatrist and having my medications reassessed in hopes of finding a better combination and to work at finding an accessible therapy that suits my needs.
I appreciate that many people have reached out to me to check on my wellbeing and just to tell me how much they appreciate my art. Honestly these messages have been very uplifting in these hard time and I apologize that I haven't responded to all of them yet. They really do mean the world to me tho.
I hope that everyone has been doing okay and keeping safe with the pandemic as it continues.
All the best,
-Sio
Frog
Frog
Hedgehog
Alpaca
Squirrel
We don't talk but you did a piece of art for me a number of years ago which I still quite enjoy.
You're obviously a very strong guy to be able to put up with all that mess. All the best from me and here is to hoping thing start to turn around.
Especially the suicide attempts thing sounds really sad.. I've always really looked up to you and thought you were amazing, I'm glad you survived that!
Take one day at a time.. I'm sure things will get better 💜