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Don't know what is going on...
4 years ago
General
Well, I have been ranting before, and here I am, ranting again. There is probably gonna be a lot of "I" and "me" in here, so apologies, if this is going to sound egotistic. I'm also being rather bitter here, so... just be careful...
So... uhh... don't really know how to begin, as my thoughts just don't want to be coherent and organized to begin with. I may end up writing, and editing this journal for a long time, only to probably not be able to organize it regardless. Will probably make a new paragraph for each thoughts. Let's see... Its 21:45pm now, that I'm starting it. But who even cares. Nobody.
Been having a rough week, that's for sure. I am partly making this journal due to the fact of how this week have been treating me. It just feels like, I'm getting close to my breaking point, with the cracks already appearing.
So... the last few months, I've been trying to look at things differently. In a more optimistic way, as I did hear from someone, that the Universe is treating you the way you are thinking of yourself. One example they said was something along the lines of: "Even if you are not wealthy, don't say, that "I'm poor, I need money", because the Universe will only hear the "I'm poor" part, and will treat you like a poor person." Well, I tried something similar, but in a way more like, to try to think, I have a purpose in life, and I'm important, and let me tell you... its bullshit.
Universe doesn't care about shit, all it wants is just to make me feel miserable no matter what I do, for whoever I do (I'm actually in such a bad mood right now, that I feel extremely petty, and just want to ruin somebody's day. Like... literally anyone's day. Let me tell you, I'm not proud at how I'm feeling right now.).
As usual, I'm still filled with jealousity, as I see everyone around me being able to progress with their lives, while here I am, struggling with many ordinary things, that most people take easy as their everyday tasks. I'm a hard learner, often find it extremely difficult to try learning any new skills. My attention span just screws me up, and I can't keep up with anyone in this regard. Its one reason (alongside many others) school used to be super difficult for me too.
There are a lot of negative feelings gathering up within me, and I cannot let it out. I seriously considered on going to therapy, but I made the mistake of telling it to my mom, who said "Its not going to be any easier to talk about your things to a total stranger, when you could talk to your mom too." Well... problem is, I absolutely cannot talk about personal things to my mom, because... well, nobody in my family knows, that I'm a furry to begin with. Also, I'm unsure of my sexuality, or rather... having difficulties truly accepting it. Things just don't work like that, I can't just open up to someone, who already has prejudgements over certain things, and would most likely misunderstand the whole thing, with me being unable to properly explain everything (my native language is not English, and my parents barely speak it, so I can't even think of showing them "guide" videos to explain what a furry is.
Tonight, I also left a server over on Discord, which used to have a special place in my heart, but as it grew, I started to feel less and less able to keep up. Also, things in general were not appealing to me anymore, so after over 4 years of being on it without any breaks, I finally ended up leaving it. Now, I'm not sure if its going to be temporary or permanent, but I do know, that I just no longer feel at home there. Maybe a break from it will help, but I can already feel, its going to be disappointing whenever I decide to return. To be clear, I hold no ill wills towards anyone there, and hope, others at least will have a good time in there. I know, I did.
Basically, I feel, it doesn't matter what I try to do to be a good and valuable person. I've been working throughout the entire pandemic, as part of the replenishment team at my workplace, been helping out my parents with lots of things, I don't even know how they work, due to them not speaking English all that well, so every phone calls, and emails for them, I had to make, and help them out with. None of these things matter, as people just simply don't care about me. Whenever I try to strike up a conversation within groups, or try to organize some kind of session, or ask about the such, I find deaf ears.
I had so many plans on a lot of things, but then... nothing seems to matter, as even if I put a lot of work into something, people just will never care.
So, there I am... its 22:21pm as I'm finishing writing down my thoughts, which was faster, than what I've anticipated... I guess, I just cannot be bothered after all, to make a coherent thing, and just leaving everything as I first wrote down. I just don't know, what is going on with me, and my life...
Now, you are free to go from my awkwards thoughts... if you even read any of that.
So... uhh... don't really know how to begin, as my thoughts just don't want to be coherent and organized to begin with. I may end up writing, and editing this journal for a long time, only to probably not be able to organize it regardless. Will probably make a new paragraph for each thoughts. Let's see... Its 21:45pm now, that I'm starting it. But who even cares. Nobody.
Been having a rough week, that's for sure. I am partly making this journal due to the fact of how this week have been treating me. It just feels like, I'm getting close to my breaking point, with the cracks already appearing.
So... the last few months, I've been trying to look at things differently. In a more optimistic way, as I did hear from someone, that the Universe is treating you the way you are thinking of yourself. One example they said was something along the lines of: "Even if you are not wealthy, don't say, that "I'm poor, I need money", because the Universe will only hear the "I'm poor" part, and will treat you like a poor person." Well, I tried something similar, but in a way more like, to try to think, I have a purpose in life, and I'm important, and let me tell you... its bullshit.
Universe doesn't care about shit, all it wants is just to make me feel miserable no matter what I do, for whoever I do (I'm actually in such a bad mood right now, that I feel extremely petty, and just want to ruin somebody's day. Like... literally anyone's day. Let me tell you, I'm not proud at how I'm feeling right now.).
As usual, I'm still filled with jealousity, as I see everyone around me being able to progress with their lives, while here I am, struggling with many ordinary things, that most people take easy as their everyday tasks. I'm a hard learner, often find it extremely difficult to try learning any new skills. My attention span just screws me up, and I can't keep up with anyone in this regard. Its one reason (alongside many others) school used to be super difficult for me too.
There are a lot of negative feelings gathering up within me, and I cannot let it out. I seriously considered on going to therapy, but I made the mistake of telling it to my mom, who said "Its not going to be any easier to talk about your things to a total stranger, when you could talk to your mom too." Well... problem is, I absolutely cannot talk about personal things to my mom, because... well, nobody in my family knows, that I'm a furry to begin with. Also, I'm unsure of my sexuality, or rather... having difficulties truly accepting it. Things just don't work like that, I can't just open up to someone, who already has prejudgements over certain things, and would most likely misunderstand the whole thing, with me being unable to properly explain everything (my native language is not English, and my parents barely speak it, so I can't even think of showing them "guide" videos to explain what a furry is.
Tonight, I also left a server over on Discord, which used to have a special place in my heart, but as it grew, I started to feel less and less able to keep up. Also, things in general were not appealing to me anymore, so after over 4 years of being on it without any breaks, I finally ended up leaving it. Now, I'm not sure if its going to be temporary or permanent, but I do know, that I just no longer feel at home there. Maybe a break from it will help, but I can already feel, its going to be disappointing whenever I decide to return. To be clear, I hold no ill wills towards anyone there, and hope, others at least will have a good time in there. I know, I did.
Basically, I feel, it doesn't matter what I try to do to be a good and valuable person. I've been working throughout the entire pandemic, as part of the replenishment team at my workplace, been helping out my parents with lots of things, I don't even know how they work, due to them not speaking English all that well, so every phone calls, and emails for them, I had to make, and help them out with. None of these things matter, as people just simply don't care about me. Whenever I try to strike up a conversation within groups, or try to organize some kind of session, or ask about the such, I find deaf ears.
I had so many plans on a lot of things, but then... nothing seems to matter, as even if I put a lot of work into something, people just will never care.
So, there I am... its 22:21pm as I'm finishing writing down my thoughts, which was faster, than what I've anticipated... I guess, I just cannot be bothered after all, to make a coherent thing, and just leaving everything as I first wrote down. I just don't know, what is going on with me, and my life...
Now, you are free to go from my awkwards thoughts... if you even read any of that.
As for your thoughts:
1. Yes I agree with you on the fact that the universe exists to make you feel miserable however I personally believe the universe operates on a system of checks and balances in a subtle way. For instance, there has to be a negative in order to maintain a positive and vise versa. A universe cannot exsist without this fundamental concept. In your case think about it this way, you'll have negative mood swings and you'll swear you'll never recover but fast forward a month or two and your mood swing is completely different. Think of emotions like temperatures and sometimes its hot and sometimes its cold.
2. A question I hear most commonly from people in a negative mood swing is "Why are we here?" or "whats the point in living?" I'll tell you the answer. Its because happiness can't come before sadness. Think about this; what would eternal happyness (aka heaven) look like? In my perspective it would be a paradise of fake smiles as there would be nothing to be happy about. It would get stale and boring and honestly you'd probably wish you got sent to hell. Another question is do we remember where we were before we were born? My theory is that before we are born and after we die we are erased from exsistance and are no more. So the question becomes what do we live for. We live because its all we have and we want to fight to be able to see the good moments in life. Everybody is born with goals and hopes and to throw it all away is to make your very exsistance meaningless.
Anyways, hope my feedback lets you know theres people that support you~ ^^"
But I'd simply say, set your sights, set your basics, and build from there as you can. Establish a good place of residence, find some form of income, try to find a balance on your hobbies and free-time, be sure to take time to rest, perhaps reflect if you can, and if needed carefully test dialogue akin to what's done here. Admittedly, I'm actually pleasantly surprised with the support shown. Even an even honest acknowledgement despite limitations can be appreciated.
Unfortunately, to that end, I cannot provide anything specific. If there's anything I've learned, it's that every person is a unique being built up by their interactions with the world around them and the perspective they take going into it. Like you said, thinking "I'm poor" can be bad; however, that's if you think "I'm poor, woe is me". Acknowledging the limits and seeking the best use of your reach is still valid. Additionally, "poor" can easily be sustained if someone doesn't want much more than the essentials. Hobbies don't have to be expensive or work. Hobbies can simply be anything, assuming you even desire them. Just try to settle the basics, and if you can, try to also set a buffer to smooth the bumps if you can. Kind of like paying a load off in reverse. If there's a problem, try to work out a solution as you best can, and try poking around if you have the time. I'm not sure this is perfect for everyone, but I also tend to imagine problems that might happen; and my solution has just been to practice and prepare. If I can't get it out of mind, may as well prep.
As for the desire to ruin someone's day. Don't be too ashamed of it, it's a touch of high stress and wanting to do anything, even the irrational, to blow off steam. Though if you're sympathetic, it'll just come back doubled as guilt. So just try to endure, work it off if you have found ways, and remember not to stress over the desire too much. Idly thinking of it is one thing, acting it out is another. Try to keep that in mind as it's for everything. That's the best part as well, the extra time to think is also extra time to weigh and decide if you can. Just be sure to set time frames if it's time sensitive. A last minute decision can be as much of a gamble as an immediate first response.
Going on to "everyone living their lives", remember that everyone takes a different or varied approach. The man you see drilling down the aisles grabbing what they need and bolting might be stressed with everything down to a tee, having planned enough to grab everything in one trip, or simply so laid back that they grab what they need without a care of if they grab extra or forget something. Those same people will have different capabilities and work that may or may not line up. But they manage, in some fashion, to find a way to make it move. It's not typically "easy" it's just people living as they have grown up living. And if they're too careless, the "smooth motion" might even be born of a disregard for others. There's simply too many variables to be "jealous". If you're really finding something hard, there may be a way of making it easier in some fashion without compromising important things like safety and such.
As for keeping things "within", even little vents like this can help with a bit of care. Though be braced in case you get something undesired. It may have root, or be completely ungrounded. But how you angle and approach it can make a huge difference. Especially if it's online, and people are just a block and report away if they're out of hand. Remember that you can choose to listen to or ignore offered remarks as you wish. Even derive the basis, if any, out of a garbage response sometimes. You are also free to choose who you disclose to. While parents might be the "go-to" for many. The fact is that, not every adult is perfect. Hell, adults are just people who have lived long enough; Not inherently by intelligence either. If anything, it's easier to talk to a "stranger" because they're paid to do it and you can simply cut ties if they don't work out, whereas you might share living space with someone else. Additionally, being a "mother" isn't instant qualification to "Tell me anything". That's a respect and trust established over time, and eroded by every inconsiderate response. So try not to worry too much over it if you really seek it. Feel free to think on this and prepare if it's needed.
As for Leaving a Discord Server. That's entirely up to you and whether you want to. Personally, I like to leave them up just to keep light ties and watch for activity in the "dead" servers. But I also have the time. I know I only "keep up" with maybe two or three smaller groups while the rest are just old branches I haven't bothered trimming. But I could also, just as easily, leave a server as well. Though I'd recommend just leaving it untouched for a bit just to allow some time to see if you really want to stop checking in. HOWEVER, if you find an impulse to check in, try muting the server and checking occasionally. You shouldn't feel obligated to keep up to date, and you also shouldn't worry about "missing out". Stuff happens all the time, and we simply can't be everywhere at once. So try to set resolves where you can, with just enough room to weigh and reconsider in case the feeling arises.
As for the desire for presence. Remember, everyone is different. The benefit and weakness of the internet is the ease of finding like-minds. Something valuable in navigating can be a willingness to try and understand, and build a sense of self if you wish. Never set anything truly in stone, but reinforce what holds true and solid with a little wiggle room for exceptions.
If you've any questions, feel free to ask. Whether that's here, or in DM's, I'll answer as best I can.