FA+
Shop
April 2021: Seeking Approval
4 years ago
Hi,
I honestly don’t know how to start this off. I don’t know even how to describe this month to you, let alone myself. I guess I’ll just start off with what I did at the very start. The first few days of April were fine. Even fun in some cases. My family visited me, staying in a really lovely beachside town cheap motel, right next to an incredible café. We visited my uncle, who is feeling a lot better than he was during 2020, due to the death of his wife, and my auntie who I miss dearly. Despite some negatives, it was a good start to the month. It would have been fantastic if it stayed like that.
Unfortunately, things got stressful and quick about it. The first pile of assignments were ready to be finished and handed up. And despite my confidence in saying that I have it under control, my mind completely locked up at the mere attempt of putting word to screen. Even assignments that I had multiple extensions on, I couldn’t focus on any of them despite even staying overnight to complete the tasks. It also didn’t help that the problematic roommate decided to damage a huge part of a practical assignment that took around a hundred dollars to even try and get ready. That was the final straw for me, he now had a fifth warning from the company who gave us the apartment. But their response was less than helpful. Despite this being the third unit I’ve gone to, and had around 7 roommates prior to this one, they are now asking for more. And since they have contacted him about it, denying all of the issues that I have raised with him, he has decided to hide his acts so I cannot provide them with any proof of his awful behaviour. During that, I stayed most nights at the Uni to try and get work done and I managed to send up something for every task, though two were unfinished. Some I was rather happy with what I had achieved in the small time limit I had left to complete these.
And then the results came back.
One credit. Three fails.
I expected two fails, but I received three. For an assignment that was complete, handed up, and wasn’t a day late. Even the comments I received mentioned that the work was “good”, “great” and “nice”, and yet I received a fail. Due to the fatigue of staying up late once again, I had forgotten some elements, like a checklist, yet other comments made about the assignment had made no sense to me, as I had followed their exact instructions.
And then I had a holiday. And I felt worse. I honestly don’t know how to even describe the emotions that I was feeling during this holiday. It was a cluster of emotions that all combined into this one negative emotion that I was feeling throughout most of that holiday. I was beginning to doubt myself a whole lot more, wondering if I had made the right choices this year. I was incredibly angry towards even the most minor of inconveniences. I felt isolated, I became so tired as I lost so much sleep from repeated anxiety and panic attacks. Despite what good there was during that holiday, I just can’t get myself to enjoy it without constantly going back into this feedback loop of anger and sadness. My phone broke as well, meaning the things that I had on there, from messages from friends, to important info that I needed for the following weeks was now all gone. I had hoped that the phone would save them onto the SIM card, but unfortunately not. So, I have lost contacts with rather important people that I need, like my GP who prescribes my medication (I am also on a new one which is not doing much).
Throughout that holiday, I discovered something about myself which I don’t enjoy: seeking approval. I seem to do it so much with so many people, including all of you. I’m unsure where this issue stems from, whether it would be from early stages of my life, my family, the first school I went to, but I have this need for someone to just go “You did good”. I shouldn’t need someone to say that to me, I should have some self-approval and acceptance, but I just don’t. Throughout that holiday, it felt like I was always seeking for approval. I constantly see myself as less. I see more of the problematic side of things, rather than the positive side of things. I feel as if I am fighting a battle just to get a say in things. I hate feeling like this. But I constantly do.
I’m honestly wondering if I should continue being on this site as well. I am unsure what I can do. And with certain projects coming up, I’m honestly wondering if I should just decline them, and let someone else do it with the creative effort that I am currently lacking right now.
May will be better. I’m going for my MRI, and I’m getting some professional help.
Take care, everyone.
Unfortunately, things got stressful and quick about it. The first pile of assignments were ready to be finished and handed up. And despite my confidence in saying that I have it under control, my mind completely locked up at the mere attempt of putting word to screen. Even assignments that I had multiple extensions on, I couldn’t focus on any of them despite even staying overnight to complete the tasks. It also didn’t help that the problematic roommate decided to damage a huge part of a practical assignment that took around a hundred dollars to even try and get ready. That was the final straw for me, he now had a fifth warning from the company who gave us the apartment. But their response was less than helpful. Despite this being the third unit I’ve gone to, and had around 7 roommates prior to this one, they are now asking for more. And since they have contacted him about it, denying all of the issues that I have raised with him, he has decided to hide his acts so I cannot provide them with any proof of his awful behaviour. During that, I stayed most nights at the Uni to try and get work done and I managed to send up something for every task, though two were unfinished. Some I was rather happy with what I had achieved in the small time limit I had left to complete these.
And then the results came back.
One credit. Three fails.
I expected two fails, but I received three. For an assignment that was complete, handed up, and wasn’t a day late. Even the comments I received mentioned that the work was “good”, “great” and “nice”, and yet I received a fail. Due to the fatigue of staying up late once again, I had forgotten some elements, like a checklist, yet other comments made about the assignment had made no sense to me, as I had followed their exact instructions.
And then I had a holiday. And I felt worse. I honestly don’t know how to even describe the emotions that I was feeling during this holiday. It was a cluster of emotions that all combined into this one negative emotion that I was feeling throughout most of that holiday. I was beginning to doubt myself a whole lot more, wondering if I had made the right choices this year. I was incredibly angry towards even the most minor of inconveniences. I felt isolated, I became so tired as I lost so much sleep from repeated anxiety and panic attacks. Despite what good there was during that holiday, I just can’t get myself to enjoy it without constantly going back into this feedback loop of anger and sadness. My phone broke as well, meaning the things that I had on there, from messages from friends, to important info that I needed for the following weeks was now all gone. I had hoped that the phone would save them onto the SIM card, but unfortunately not. So, I have lost contacts with rather important people that I need, like my GP who prescribes my medication (I am also on a new one which is not doing much).
Throughout that holiday, I discovered something about myself which I don’t enjoy: seeking approval. I seem to do it so much with so many people, including all of you. I’m unsure where this issue stems from, whether it would be from early stages of my life, my family, the first school I went to, but I have this need for someone to just go “You did good”. I shouldn’t need someone to say that to me, I should have some self-approval and acceptance, but I just don’t. Throughout that holiday, it felt like I was always seeking for approval. I constantly see myself as less. I see more of the problematic side of things, rather than the positive side of things. I feel as if I am fighting a battle just to get a say in things. I hate feeling like this. But I constantly do.
I’m honestly wondering if I should continue being on this site as well. I am unsure what I can do. And with certain projects coming up, I’m honestly wondering if I should just decline them, and let someone else do it with the creative effort that I am currently lacking right now.
May will be better. I’m going for my MRI, and I’m getting some professional help.
Take care, everyone.
I hope you manage. You've made it this far.
Please make sure to validate yourself through this, the things you're going through are serious. Your feelings and emotions are important, and your health will always come first. You aren't lazy and you aren't bad. This is a situation I've seen a lot of people end up in, it's surprisingly common. School is not easy, tbh every year it seems to get more difficult, idk how anybody does it. My sis and my cousin have both struggled so much, and if they didn't have the meds and the support they have... man i don't know if they'd be making it
The room mate situation is.. ERUGHHh... I'm just really sorry. I hate this for you, you don't deserve any of that garbage. Anyone in your shoes would probably be having a total mental breakdown. Getting professional help is a great idea, and you could also try being very transparent with your teachers about this stuff? ugh idk, I wish I could help in some way?
and seeking approval is a very normal thing! even if it isn't healthy, you've got a lot of time to work through it. day by day, it will improve. but what's important is having proper support, it'll make it way easier to make changes to yourself and to how you think. I'll always be available to talk!! even if you just want to vent, or just want to give an update. I also understand if you decide to leave the site. feel free though to toss me any contact info <3
and also do let me know if i can help in any way, like with cash or anything