TW: Blasting depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, emotional and physical abuse on main. if you don't want to read it, don't read past this. if you don't care, i don't either so don't tell me about it okay? okay.













story of my life right? i've talked about it plenty of times in the past, people told me i'm stupid or selfish or whatever but... in the end i'm not.

we're going to hit summer weather soon, and my family decided i lost air conditioning privileges. the day i failed the exam i was not prepared for, because the school i went to didn't have the materials i needed.

i'm forever everyone's god damn therapist. no one gives a flying fuck about my problems unless they want to gather blackmail or gossip or laugh at me. but you know, i'm everyone's mom friend. i'm the one constantly bending over backwards to help them out. be it with art, with life, with everything. i fix everyone else's problems while my own end up falling through the cracks as stupid.

i'm autistic and my family treats me like every stereotype under the book, and that's just the ones that believe in it. i'm just 'r*tar*ded to everyone else.
i'm lazy.
i'm ugly and worthless.
i'll never amount to anything.

so i don't deserve anything.

i pay for everything of mine. i mean everything. i never ask for anything but.
i still ask for too much.

i need out and no matter what gofundme or what the fuck ever i try to raise, no one cares. no on really cares. i'll bend over backwards for everyone except giving them a place to stay because whatever hell they're leaving would be better than what hell i live in. but do i tell them all the places THEY can go? yeah. do i donate to people for everything out of money that i've taken hours upon hours to earn? yeah.

do people care if i just disappear all together? no. no not really.

all i can do is pay by the skin of my teeth to exist and be hated for it by the ones who are supposed to care.
i'm in so much physical pain all day every day that you'd think that'd be punishment enough, but no. i gotta be emotionally broken.
and then have family who doesn't care. doesn't give a flying rat's ankle. nope not a one.

can't even get half-assed gaslit apologies when they drive me to go to therapy and my therapist has cried once for me already.
but no one cares enough to say i need to get out or gets me out they make hollow promises though. so many hollow promises.
it's easy to promise everything then shrug when it doesn't happen.

who cares if the doormat gets forgotten. who cares if the free therapist isn't around. there's millions just like her but they're prettier, they're smarter, they're more muchness than she'll ever be. she's a failure and always will be.

that's me. the failure.
that's all i'll ever be.

somedays i wish i hadn't failed ending it all. that now i wasn't afraid of causing myself more pain and my family any further 'bothers' by just letting it all go you know? it'd be a hassle to pay to get my fat ass removed and bills and all that. but hey at least the student loans would be forgiven and no one would pay for anything for me ever again. but still. dying is expensive, too.

i mean, if i were to just up and go the only thing people would lament is that they can't get access to characters i own or whatever. or that i owe art or money or whatever to whoever, probably. that's the usual general loop for me. i don't know anything else. i'm treated like shit but by a few people at best and then i always feel like i'm nothing more than a burden to them, too. because i am.
always was.
always will be.

i don't even know what to do anymore. if i were prettier maybe people would care more. or smarter. a better artist for sure, everyone would be dying to kiss my ass for that but no. no.
no that's not for me. that's not for people like me.

i've lost all energy and will to keep trying, guys.
i have nothing left. no drive. nothing.

this isn't covid depression. this is 34 years of it. i won't belittle anyone's sadness for any amount of time but i just.
i can't handle feeling anymore.
i don't want to feel if all i feel is pain.

i'm sorry.

update: if one more person yells at me and makes me cry again i am going to become a problem. seriously i can not catch any break anywhere. i get yelled at, blamed for everything, talked to like crap, treated like crap, but not my cousin oh no. the fucker with the criminal record doesn't get a damn smack for being an idiot and getting kicked out of three houses and five jobs in two years is an angel but me? nah. me the one who lost all of my jobs taking care of these assholes, the one who fixes all the bills, all the technology, all the fucking problems in this house. nothing. i'm literally just a fucking piece of trash here and i can not take it any fucking more.

update 5/17: therapy session turned out to end up with my dpn bitch karen of a doctor in charge of my mental health basically called me a liar, gaslit me in front of my therapist, and refused to admit that I do have adhd. my family won't admit to it even though they forced me to take the pills and shit and I'm livid. I mean absolutely livid. i was talked to like a child. again. treated like a child. my therapist, this doctor's boss mind you, was appalled and trying her best to deescalate the woman while i was shutting down mentally in that office completely. absolute shut down. i just stopped talking all together and stopped answering questions. i'm done. i'm fucking done. i am so worthless and i really wish to all god that i had help or somewhere to go but no. no i don't. so i'm stuck never being able to function as an adult because no one wants to believe me that i know my own fucking body.