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Week of good emotions.
4 years ago
Most of what im talking about has been said through my twitter. if you havent its good I dont mention it much.
in just a short amount of days in a week so much has happen that its literally shot my emotions that I dont know how to feel. Its good obviously but its make me confused how I should be feeling.. First I went public with my gaming accounts Ive had for years with youtube and twitch That i am Trans, have been for years but only now just went public since I felt it was time. I rebranded, new name and everything and thanks to a close friend had many new graphics made. The response has been totally positive on so many fronts, on top of So MANY Gaming friends who never knew I was trans (or a furry) and amount of full blown support and encouragement from them flustered me so much. and even after that how fast all of them were to say "Taya" and "she/her" that i keep forgetting I told them ,they knew and how fast I hear it.
Then there is the fact I return to streaming with my new name and trying to get back in the motion of things when i did it before. did FF14, Destiny 2, Yakuza 0. just ta lot of things planned. and because of so many friends and people. my numbers exploded more then ever. the chat was so active I was never used to before and was trying to handle it as i can. Just Thank you to all from there.
But thats not even the end of it. A Streamer Ive been watching and following for years and supporting with a sub for 6 years. I opened up with my resub about my name change to the account and all. and when asked replying im trans. He was very nice and understanding. making some soft jokes on stream and enjoying everything. but a few days later, he PM me on discord and was asking how im holding up and support and people and how im doing in general. I was not expecting that all and was trying to stay calm from it. was worried being he is very religious and such but what he said hit me good in the heart "Be safe, youve been around my channel for a long time and I appreciate it, so if u ever need someone to talk to just yell at me loudly" I know this doesnt make me like close buddy friends with said streamer but it was such a moment I was caught off guard and didnt know how to feel there.
And to top it all off here.. Im finally moving. May 27th. Actually Moving away from my parents. from there abuse and bullshit. and feel freedom for once being the girl I am. and I know people will say its never too late since im 29. to get on HRT to find that process clothes things. to deal with my dysphoria. but the biggest thing is I cant fuck this up, and all of my fears to why I havent moved out keep pummeling my head. but im talking carefully with friend and will be room mate. to cover everything as possible to not be a bad room mate or person or anything. because thats fear. I Cant Fuck this up. I cant return back here once I do. in 2 weeks, im partially at my freedom part. Just take it slow and carefully. and get a job to pay my share of the rent as I need. but its a step... Its a step
and with all of this im having a hard time truly trying to feel. Is this happiness? actually honest happiness? will I be? Its a weird pressure and just tryingi to keep myself on a good cool level headed feeling and not get over blown... but it really has been a lot with my mind, especailly after the year of 2020. and the last 4 years. Just. Everything. Im not out of it yet. im not fully free. im not in the safe clear. but its a start in all directions.
And Please I want to say thanks to all my friends close to me, my master, my daddy, friends called brother and siis in many sphere. Thank you for being there for me in all of my depression episodes and dark times with myself. keeping me going even when I just dont want to ever. Maybe this will be the step I needed. risky but I have to.
~Taya Erindra
in just a short amount of days in a week so much has happen that its literally shot my emotions that I dont know how to feel. Its good obviously but its make me confused how I should be feeling.. First I went public with my gaming accounts Ive had for years with youtube and twitch That i am Trans, have been for years but only now just went public since I felt it was time. I rebranded, new name and everything and thanks to a close friend had many new graphics made. The response has been totally positive on so many fronts, on top of So MANY Gaming friends who never knew I was trans (or a furry) and amount of full blown support and encouragement from them flustered me so much. and even after that how fast all of them were to say "Taya" and "she/her" that i keep forgetting I told them ,they knew and how fast I hear it.
Then there is the fact I return to streaming with my new name and trying to get back in the motion of things when i did it before. did FF14, Destiny 2, Yakuza 0. just ta lot of things planned. and because of so many friends and people. my numbers exploded more then ever. the chat was so active I was never used to before and was trying to handle it as i can. Just Thank you to all from there.
But thats not even the end of it. A Streamer Ive been watching and following for years and supporting with a sub for 6 years. I opened up with my resub about my name change to the account and all. and when asked replying im trans. He was very nice and understanding. making some soft jokes on stream and enjoying everything. but a few days later, he PM me on discord and was asking how im holding up and support and people and how im doing in general. I was not expecting that all and was trying to stay calm from it. was worried being he is very religious and such but what he said hit me good in the heart "Be safe, youve been around my channel for a long time and I appreciate it, so if u ever need someone to talk to just yell at me loudly" I know this doesnt make me like close buddy friends with said streamer but it was such a moment I was caught off guard and didnt know how to feel there.
And to top it all off here.. Im finally moving. May 27th. Actually Moving away from my parents. from there abuse and bullshit. and feel freedom for once being the girl I am. and I know people will say its never too late since im 29. to get on HRT to find that process clothes things. to deal with my dysphoria. but the biggest thing is I cant fuck this up, and all of my fears to why I havent moved out keep pummeling my head. but im talking carefully with friend and will be room mate. to cover everything as possible to not be a bad room mate or person or anything. because thats fear. I Cant Fuck this up. I cant return back here once I do. in 2 weeks, im partially at my freedom part. Just take it slow and carefully. and get a job to pay my share of the rent as I need. but its a step... Its a step
and with all of this im having a hard time truly trying to feel. Is this happiness? actually honest happiness? will I be? Its a weird pressure and just tryingi to keep myself on a good cool level headed feeling and not get over blown... but it really has been a lot with my mind, especailly after the year of 2020. and the last 4 years. Just. Everything. Im not out of it yet. im not fully free. im not in the safe clear. but its a start in all directions.
And Please I want to say thanks to all my friends close to me, my master, my daddy, friends called brother and siis in many sphere. Thank you for being there for me in all of my depression episodes and dark times with myself. keeping me going even when I just dont want to ever. Maybe this will be the step I needed. risky but I have to.
~Taya Erindra
I'm not sure I ever knew you were once male or that you are trans at all, I've been so used to your character Taya that it already seemed natural to me. But I guess "fireboy" would be a hint.
I'm glad things are moving forward for you
I'm a trans woman myself of age 29 and your commissioned piece from 2-3 months ago has inspired me to move out of my parents home and start transitioning as early as May 26th depending on how well the first planned parenthood gender affirming therapy session goes. (I was told the price for the first visit is $214 and I don't know how much the medicine costs but a start is a start)
I hope this message encourages you in the same way you encouraged me and I wish you luck achieving your goals. ^^