If you've noticed my recent art uploads, here's as brief of an explanation as to why:

Ever since January of this year, I've been seriously exploring my feminine side. While I have had vague, curious thoughts to have a woman's body in the past, specifically having boobs and/or lady parts, I've never taken them too seriously or wrote them off as just me being a pervert. They just came and went and I never dug too deep into them in the past.

Since then, I've tried a few things to make me look, or at least feel, more feminine: wearing bras (padded and not padded), painting my nails, wearing silicone breasts, tucking, shaving all the body hair (or as much as I can get), even trying on women's shorts, tanktops, shapewear, even buying a pair of women's jeans. While this may not sound like much and I mainly keep this in my home or at my boyfriend's. It all feels...nice ^^

To add in the more fantasy sense, I also decided to change my fursona to a lady tiger and have already gotten a number of art pieces of her. All of them either make me feel euphoric about being a strong, fighty tiger lady, or gender affirming because I see myself as her, even if my secondary sex characteristics don't match up. I've noticed I connect with her much more than when she was male. I also play....way too much Runescape, haha, but in that game, I changed my character to a female and have yet to revert back to male; it's definitely made the game more fun for me to play. Like with my fursona, I feel a lot more connected with her now.

I never knew there was a term for how I felt about my body until I began asking around and looking into being transgender, how that process typically goes (for trans women, specifically), and finding commonalities of dysphoria between myself and other trans women. While I could go into details about this part of my little exploration into femininity and gender identity, I've realized it all comes down to one thing: I'd rather have a woman's body than a man's body. The curvy figure, little to no body hair, no facial hair, B O O B I E S, wider hips, lady parts...it all sounds amazing!

The more and more I explored and researched how transitioning typically goes, there's one other thing I've realized I'm not a huge fan of....and that would be my voice. Sadly, while hormone therapy (or HRT) will naturally lower a trans man's voice, it doesn't work the same way for trans women; once that larynx drops, there's no going back. To change this, I have two options: 1) commit to voice training/therapy to try and feminize my voice so it sounds natural and not like I'm trying to imitate a woman. Or 2) surgery. However, given that I'm not quite sure how feminine I really am and that I don't talk much, this aspect will have to get put on the backburner for the time being.

As for my privates, all I'll really say here is that I feel...indifferent about them. I'm not a huge fan, as that area is next to useless for me, but I've accepted by this point that I'll have to deal with that until/if I get bottom surgery.

Now, if you're a cis male or trans male well into your transitioning and you enjoy having everything that comes with a male body, awesome! You do you my dudes! Just remember, there's more to being a man than just looking like one.

Getting into the specifics of my gender identity, I'm starting to find more and more that I don't fully identify as 100% male anymore, if at all. Yet, as much as I would rather have a more feminine figure and body, I don't 100% identify as female either.

I'll be honest, I'd most likely dress and act more tomboyish as a woman. Yet...it's kinda hard seeing other trans women going full-on with their identity, dressing up to the nines, and rejecting their assigned gender entirely, when, for me...I just don't identify as that. It's hard feeling that I'd be valid or be able to pass as a woman because of that. Honestly, the most feminine I'd dress like would be a dress on occasion, if I owned one; otherwise, I'd probably dress the same as I do now as a man: shorts/jeans, t-shirt/tanktop, and a hoodie. Really, for me, when it comes to clothing in general, I dress more practical or casual and not so much dress to impress.

This is why I think I may also be NB or, more specifically, a demigirl. Not exactly either gender in the binary, but possibly slightly more feminine than masculine.

Now, after all that experimenting and exploring how I truly feel about my gender identity, I've found the next step was to seek therapy. I've already done one session with someone last week and have another appointment with them in a couple days, and I suspect this will continue for, maybe, about a month or so. While I'm still a little unsure if I'm actually trans or not, I still believe therapy will help with this, along with other mental issues I've ignored for too long and just...dealt with.

While I may be jumping the gun here, I have looked into HRT and bottom surgery a bit as well. First off, I will say, it's all fascinating stuff (yay being a Biology nerd!). And reading others' experiences with HRT and bottom surgery and seeing resulting photos (specifically for trans women), it's encouraging and euphoric for me to see what I could look like. Yes, I am aware of the side affects and that it will take quite some time AND that hormones won't change everything.

I know this will be a very long journey that'll be tough along the way. But I'd like to think I'm a strong woman; I'm certain I can handle this.

Currently, as you could probably guess, I'm AMAB and 28 years old as of writing this. For the time being, I'm publicly preferring he/she/they pronouns, but I think I'm starting to like the idea of just she/they instead. I do have a new name in mind, but I haven't mentioned to be called by that just yet. Ricky, however, will still be Ricky; no spelling change or name change entirely, since pretty much everyone knows me by that name anyway and, honestly, I still like it ^^